23 Reflections on Marriage

Emily and I have been together for a little over 27 years, and today marks 23 years of marriage. As has become my habit, here are 23 reflections on marriage, one for every year God has graciously given us together...

1. Marry for demonstrated potential. Anyone can imagine who a person might become. Marry someone whose character and trajectory you can already see. Catch them on the way up.

2. Marry as young as is reasonable. There is something good about growing up together. You develop your tastes, habits, traditions, and way of life as a team rather than trying to merge two established lives later. You do not need to have everything figured out before you get married. Much of life is better figured out together.

3. Children are infinitely better than pets, so do not put them off. A pet is not a substitute for a child, no matter how much modern people pretend otherwise. Your childbearing years are shorter than they seem, and the years with your children at home go even faster. Start having them sooner rather than later.

4. Talk frankly about sex. Do not expect your spouse to read your mind or leave important desires unspoken for years. Talk honestly about expectations, frustrations, frequency, and enjoyment. Then have as much sex as the two of you reasonably can.

5. Argue from the same side. In the middle of a disagreement, stop and remind each other, “I love you. We are on the same side. We are going to work this out.” Your spouse is not the enemy, and beating them in an argument gains you nothing. The goal is to solve the problem without damaging the marriage.

6. Pray together every day. Shared prayer should be a normal part of married life rather than something you save for a crisis. Talk about what you are reading in Scripture and what the Lord is teaching you. Your spiritual lives should not develop on two separate tracks.

7. Own your sins and failures. When you are wrong, say, “I was wrong. There is no excuse. Please forgive me.” Do not qualify it, explain it away, or immediately bring up what the other person did. Clean repentance does a great deal of good in a marriage.

8. Have a budget and regular conversations about money. Most financial fights are made worse by secrecy and surprises. Decide together what you are doing with your money, write it down, and revisit it regularly. You should both know where the money is going.

9. Make plans and follow through. Make three- or five-year plans and break them down into one-year goals. Decide where you want to live, what you want to accomplish, what you want to save, and what kind of family culture you are trying to build. Then quit talking about it and do the work.

10. Go to church every Sunday. Make Lord’s Day worship a settled part of your household. Do not attend only when the weather is good, the children are behaving, and nothing else sounds more enjoyable. Go when you are tired. Go when you are traveling. Go every Sunday unless you are providentially hindered.

11. Do not have close, private friendships with the opposite sex. Your closest friendships should be with people of your own sex or friendships you share as a couple. Friends of the marriage are a blessing. Private emotional intimacy with another man or woman is foolish and unnecessary. You are not above temptation, and neither is your spouse.

12. Do not let the children divide you. Children quickly learn how to play one parent against the other. Do not permit it. Even when you privately think your spouse handled something poorly, support one another in front of the children and work out the disagreement behind closed doors.

13. Wives, do not nag. Husbands, follow through. These two problems often feed each other. A wife keeps reminding her husband because he does not do what he said, and the husband grows resentful because she keeps reminding him. Wives should back off the constant correction, and husbands should become men whose word can be trusted.

14. Once something is forgiven, leave it buried. Forgiveness means you no longer keep the offense loaded and ready to fire during the next argument. You may need to work through consequences or rebuild trust, but you do not get to drag an old sin back into court after you have said it was forgiven.

15. Balance each other in raising the children. Mothers often need to be warned against coddling their children into weakness. Fathers often need to be warned against provoking them into bitterness. A good husband and wife correct one another and pull each other back from their natural excesses.

16. Keep some margin in your life. Do not schedule every hour, spend every dollar, and use every ounce of energy. A family with no margin is always one flat tire, sick child, or unexpected bill away from a crisis. Leave enough room to serve others and absorb problems without living on the edge of exhaustion.

17. Willingness matters more than blame. Many problems are solved faster when both people stop building a case and start showing a willingness to help. You may eventually need to determine who was responsible, but proving that the whole mess was your spouse’s fault does not repair anything. A willing spirit will carry a marriage a long way.

18. Divorce is almost always worse. A hard marriage is painful, but divorce usually creates several new forms of pain while solving fewer problems than people imagine. It affects your children, your finances, your friendships, your future, and often your faith. Fight for your marriage every day rather than fantasizing about how easy life would be without it.

19. Live well within your means. Some of your friends will have nicer houses, newer vehicles, and better vacations. Some received help from their families. Some are unusually disciplined and successful. Some are financing a life they cannot afford. Do not compete with any of them. Spend what is yours and enjoy the freedom of living honestly.

20. Build shared habits and interests. Run together, garden, lift weights, work puzzles, travel, read books, or build something. Find pursuits beyond television and children that belong to the two of you. The children will eventually leave, and you do not want to discover that you have become two strangers sitting in the same house.

21. Encourage one another’s same-sex friendships. One of the kindest things you can do is push your spouse toward close and godly friends of the same sex. Your wife needs good women around her, and you need good men around you. Those friendships strengthen each of you, and two stronger people generally make a stronger marriage.

22. Play the long game. Marriages have seasons, and some of those seasons are harder than others. Things may get worse before they get better. Do not treat a low point as though it tells the entire story of your marriage. Stay faithful long enough to see what years of repentance, patience, and love can build.

23. Enjoy the life you have together. The years move far faster than you think they will. The loud house will grow quiet, the children will become adults, and your strength will fade. Many of the things that seem urgent now will prove unimportant. Pay attention, laugh often, and enjoy one another while the Lord gives you the time.