Before They Date, Court, or Whatever You Call it

Recently, my wife received a message asking about our relationship guidelines for our teen children. Here is the question slightly paraphrased:

I noticed in one of Michael's posts that you and your husband met in high school. I grew up in the "I Kissed Dating Goodbye" generation and always assumed I would steer my girls away from dating entirely until after graduation. But I keep coming across stories of healthy, marriage-bound relationships that started in high school, and it has me reconsidering whether there might be situations where that is not such a bad thing. Given your own story, I am curious what guidelines you have landed on for your kids, and how you would counsel a daughter in high school if a genuinely worthy young man, also in high school, took an interest in her.

Emily had a little bit of a back and forth with her and more or less laid out what I am about to lay out here. For simplicity's sake, I wrote “I,” but it really is “we.” So here are some of our guidelines…

I tell my kids that I want them to aspire to be marriageable by the age of 20. What I mean by that is that they should possess the spiritual, emotional, and relational maturity to enter into a relationship that could reasonably lead to marriage within eighteen months. That does not mean they must be married by 20.

I think teenage marriage is historically exceptional and is rarely wise. It requires a young man and woman who is unusually mature for their age and who is surrounded by a strong social network that can help carry them through the early years of marriage. At the same time, I have noticed what I think of as a kind of dead zone between about 24 and 30. At least in my own circles, which reach well beyond Reformed Christianity, if someone is not married by then, it often becomes noticeably more difficult. My assumption is that these are often the years right after college or the early career-building years, when work demands longer hours, life becomes more fragmented, and opportunities to meet and meaningfully pursue good prospects become less natural. That is why I want my children to be prepared early. I want them to be in a position to recognize and pursue an exceptionally godly young man or woman who is clearly on a good trajectory.

Generally speaking, I believe the wisest path for most men and women is to be prepared for marriage by 20 and, if the Lord provides the right opportunity, to marry sometime between then and their mid-twenties.

Now, you may have noticed that I said I want them to be able to enter into a relationship that could end in marriage within about eighteen months. The eighteen-month window is, to some degree, an arbitrary number, but my thinking is that it is enough time to move through the full rhythm of a year. It gives you time to walk through the holidays, spend meaningful time with both families, and let each family take the measure of the other. It is also more than enough time to determine whether this is someone you ought to marry. Realistically, you should have a strong sense of that within a few months.

There is another reason for this timeline. I think most healthy young people can keep their hands to themselves for eighteen months. After that, the pressure often begins to build in ways that make self-control more difficult. I do not care what family you come from or what elaborate system of rules is in place. Sexual desire is powerful. Just as water eventually finds its level, sexual passion will often find a way to express itself if a relationship is unnecessarily prolonged. That means there are really only two wise options: either end the relationship or move it toward its natural conclusion in marriage. That is why I tell them that if you are not in a position to be married within eighteen months, you are not yet in a position to begin a serious relationship.

For my boys, this means they need to be on a trajectory where they could realistically become a sole provider within eighteen months plus nine. The extra nine months accounts for the possibility that if they marry and the Lord quickly blesses them with a child, I want them to be prepared to care for a wife and baby without depending on her income, or at least without depending on her full-time income. That is part of what it means to be marriageable.

Once my boys entered their early teens, I started talking with them more directly about what makes a good woman. As I saw their romantic interests begin to awaken, I would point out the kinds of girls I thought showed strong potential and the kinds I would advise caution toward. In both cases, I always explained why. I was not handing them a checklist. I was giving them real-life examples to think through and helping them learn how to exercise discernment. For example, my oldest son once expressed interest in a girl who, in my judgment, flirted with nearly every boy around her, or at least far more than I was comfortable with. So I told him that you can like the girl who flirts with you, but only a fool wants the girl who flirts with everyone. That opened the door to a broader conversation about character, discretion, attention-seeking, and the kind of steady faithfulness that actually makes for a good wife. I also walk my boys through the importance of considering the family a young woman comes from. You do not merely marry an individual. You join two families in the formation of a new household. That does not mean a person is reducible to their family background, but it does mean family patterns, habits, strengths, and dysfunctions matter and should be considered soberly.

I have only recently begun having some of these conversations with my oldest daughter, who turns thirteen in July. That part of her is not fully awakened yet, and I do not want to unnecessarily stir things before their time. I want her to enjoy these final years of childhood as fully as she can before those conversations become more direct and frequent. At the same time, I pay close attention. A good father watches carefully and adjusts the conversation as each child matures.

I am becoming more intentional about laying out clear definitions of maturity and practical goals I want my children to have accomplished before I am willing to sign off on any serious relationship. My oldest son was already on a solid trajectory. He had a clear vocational path, was diligent to save, owned his own vehicle, and had zero debt. That covered many of the practical benchmarks I want to see. Generally speaking, I want my children to have no non-collateralized debt, a fully funded emergency reserve, and a vocational path that is thoughtfully considered for at least the next five to ten years.

This is one reason all of our boys begin working around fourteen or fifteen. The goal is to begin preparing them early to leave the nest well. And despite what some corners of Reformed Twitter might assume, I plan to approach my girls with the same seriousness. We are very involved in choosing our children’s workplaces. They need to learn how to interact well with other people, develop useful skills, resolve conflict, manage money, and carry real responsibility. These things matter. As I continue refining my practical checklist, I will save it and share it at some point. But those are some of the major categories.

No one in our household is permitted to date before around seventeen. That does not mean I want them to start dating at seventeen. It simply means that before then, it makes little sense. If they are sixteen, there is no realistic way to satisfy the eighteen-month framework. And I do not care what label gets attached to it. You can call it dating, courtship, mutual crushes, or just being really close friends. If it looks like a duck and quacks like a duck, it is a duck. And in our house, it is not allowed. Rules like this are not arbitrary restrictions. They are guardrails ordered toward a goal. And I always try to remind my children of that. There is a clear path toward what they want. The expectations are not hidden. The standards are not mysterious. We have laid them out plainly. Now the task is simply to walk in them.

I will admit that I do not particularly enjoy writing about dating. Writing on dating is a lot like writing on diet. The moment you say anything, everyone wants to tell you what worked for them, what did not, what book you need to read, what system you need to adopt, or why your approach is apparently destructive and terrible.

So take all of this for whatever it is worth. This is simply how we seek to apply biblical principles in our household. It is not a universal formula. It is not the way. It is what we believe has served our family well. If you have sincere questions, I am happy to answer them if I can. If you disagree, that is perfectly fine too. And no, I probably do not want to read the book you wrote about it.