Escaping the Tyranny of Regrets
A few years ago, I had a powerful recurring dream that has shaped the way I think about regrets. I was 37 at the time. I had the dream around 4 times in the span of six weeks.
In the dream, I awake in my 19 year old self. It was a good time. I was in excellent shape. I had no debt. I was teaching bible studies and dating my now wife, Emily.
But I had all the knowledge of my 37 year old self.
I knew all my mistakes…
Accumulating student debt, delaying children, putting off seminary, aligning myself with the wrong churches, not buying that stock, wasting money on dumb stuff, letting my health slip, etc.
And now I could avoid it all for my family and give us an even brighter future.
Or could I?
In my dream, I realized I could do it for a family but not the family I have now.
If we got married sooner and immediately had kids, it wouldn’t be the kids we have now.
A different sperm would find its way to a different ovum and a different child would be conceived.
No doubt we would love that child but it wouldn’t be our first born son, Hudson. And we wouldn’t have Athanasius, Caedmon, Nicaea, etc either. To have them, I would have to perfectly recreate my life. And that’s where this dream becomes a nightmare.
Every little decision. Every little word spoken. Every little… and big mistake. I would have to recreate them all to have the family I now love. At this point, fear would overwhelm and I’d usually wake up.
This dream freed me from the tyranny of regrets.
Many mistakes were made. Many sins were committed. I do regret things in my past but I’ve also repent of those sins. Christ has forgiven me.
And somehow Christ has worked through all those things, both good and bad, to give me the blessed life I have now.
I can't change the past and if I could I'd still screw things up.
So I simply repent of sin and trust in God's perfect providence.
These days I mostly enjoy the present and dream about the future. God is good.