Father Hunger and a False Call

This is a short follow-up to yesterday’s post, since it led to some conversations about motives and seeking the ministry.

Let's talk about father-hunger and a "false call" to the ministry...

First, when I say the ministry, I’m using that as shorthand to primarily refer to the work of a pastor or teaching elder. It definitely extends to ruling elders as well, but there is a very real distinction that arises from function. And just to be clear, this isn’t about whether you hold to a two- or three-office view. No matter what, there is a functional distinction.

Part of that distinction is the time commitment, both in preparation for the role and in carrying out its duties. That’s what I mean by the ministry.

One reason I want to point that out is because all Christians are called to minister. Every member of the body ministers to others in different ways, and all of it should be done for the glory of God. But here, I’m using the word as shorthand for the specific call of the pastor.

The point I made yesterday was basically this: if you are called to the ministry, God in His providence will give you opportunities both to develop and to demonstrate how well suited you are for that role. If those opportunities are sparse, even after you’ve made every effort to find them, then it’s not just the church withholding them. It is our sovereign God. I believe God often protects men from pursuing the ministry by closing those doors, because it would not be good for them or for their families. Some men lack the necessary gifts or temperament, and to force the role would end up undermining or even destroying their own household.

Nonetheless, some men will stop at nothing to become a pastor. It can be refreshing to see driven men, and so they often receive praise from people, which only adds fuel to the fire. Many of these men do find their way into a ministry position. But I’ve sat across from some of them several years into their pastorate, and as I listen to all the different problems they’re having, I can’t help but think: this pursuit was a real mistake.

So why do uncalled men pursue something like the ministry?

There are a lot of answers. I’ve seen men pushed into it by their parents or by a mentor. Sometimes it’s more indirect... they grew up in a church where the height of manhood was seen as becoming a missionary or pastor.

Others pursue the pastorate for status. It’s a way to become an authority figure in a somewhat respected institution that has a relatively low bar to entry. Some simply enjoy talking. They want to be professional speakers or teachers. And while preaching and teaching are part of a pastor’s work, if that’s all you want, you’re not called. That’s how we end up with men like Steve Lawson.

But the motivation I see in a lot of good men—men who love the church, who have real virtue, but who are not suited for the ministry—is a deep desire for affirmation. They pursue the pastorate because they want their success as men and as leaders to be validated.

All men desire this kind of affirmation, and rightly so. It should first and foremost come from those above you, especially your father. But if you don’t receive it, or if you are especially needy for it, you may set off on a lifelong quest to secure it.

I’ve seen men believe that getting a wife will finally make them a man. But of course, you don’t need a wife to be a man. I’ve seen men believe that having children will make them a man. And while fatherhood is a wonderful and central aspect of manhood, you can still be a man without children.

Sometimes it shows up in vocational terms: If I’m a lawyer, a politician, a professor, then I’ll be successful. Then I’ll finally be validated. But here’s the reality: if you are driven by a thirst for validation, none of those things—not a wife, not children, not a career—will ever fully satisfy you. The hunger will linger.

In short, I do think there is a father-hunger behind the glut of unqualified, but otherwise good, men in the ministry. They are seeking approval. And bringing that into the pastorate is dangerous. It’s easy to become a people-pleaser who flatters and compromises, or a blowhard tyrant who bulldozes anyone that threatens his fragile sense of security.

And at the risk of sounding reductive, or like a Jesus-juker... this is why understanding the gospel as adoption into God’s family, with a Father who already approves you, is so key. His approval is free. You live and work for His smile, not for the applause of others. You don’t minister out of desperation or scarcity, you minister out of abundance that has been secured for you by Christ.

God loves you. He delights in you. He is your Father. Maybe others despise you. Maybe you’ll never win a popularity contest. But it doesn’t matter, the Father loves you. And only that love can quench the thirst for validation. Only that love brings peace without killing your drive to serve.

We are in a real pastoral crisis. On one hand, we don’t have enough pastors. On the other, we have pastors who should probably have never entered the ministry in the first place. Both realities weigh heavily on the church.

That means we not only have to raise up pastors, but also help men find the right place on the wall, so to speak. Not every man is called to shepherd, but every man is called to serve. This is why I think men’s ministry matters so much. It doesn’t have to be flashy. It can be formal or informal. It just needs to happen.

We need to work with men to rightly understand the gospel in such a way that they gain the inner stability and peace that frees them from chasing approval. Only then can they make decisions with proper motives, decisions that fit both their abilities and the opportunities God sets before them.