You didn't really say anything. There's zero strategies here. I don't know why so many people liked this post. Feminism has destroyed dating and marriage and the Christian church. This post is another empty nothingburger.
It's really not. I grew up Baptist, been paying close attention to how the dating market's fallen apart over the past decade+, and been seeing how Christians are responding to it.
The hurdles Foster mentions here are just absolutely huge among American Christians, especially points (2) and (3), which both feed into point (1). Probably Western Christians in general, but I'd guess European Christians are nowhere near as bad. I hear dating is easier than it is stateside, but I digress.
And this is on top of the loads of actual garbage they bring into dating from what they see on social media, to the aftereffects of Purity Culture, and everything in between.
As far as his suggestions, they're also great. This stuff isn't news to you and me, that's truly awesome! But you should be amazed at the extent this stuff *is* news to a lot of 20-30 something Christians. "Be interesting." "Have fun." "Grow into the person you want to date." "Don't treat asking someone out like a marriage proposal." Those simple things are novel to way too many Christians. I've seen it for a decade+. I see it in online Christian communities (especially those focused on dating). I see it in my personal life.
I guarantee more than one person saw a heaping plate of substance where you see an "empty nothingburger." It even comes with a side of happening sauce.
Would you rather be spoonfed exactly what to do? He gave the principles of what we need to get started. I think his point is that it’s simpler than we think, but requires more effort.
(liked your comment before I even saw who left it 😆) I thought all of his principles were practical and fantastic! Good things come to those who wait faithfully, and if you make marriage your end-all goal and place it above God, you WILL be discontent (likely in single-ness AND marriage once it doesn't meet your expectations). The best that you can do is set your crosshairs are on God and walk in the good works He has prepared for you. Grow, grow, grow. Don't get comfortable in the rigidity that can easily come with living independently.
That's what I got from the article (and there was a lot more too!), it was darn solid 👌 These are all principles you can take anywhere regardless of circumstance. I appreciated the timelessness of his advice, and that he did not immediately assume/tolerate the idea of messing around on dating apps.
I’m wondering if you could point me to any of your other articles on a slightly different topic: I’ve been exploring ideas along the line of how do you define Biblical Masculinity and Biblical Femininity apart from our current culture. In other words, can we separate out the cultural norms of genders from the basics God put in us. Genetics and physiology can help us determine if someone is a man or a woman… But what is God’s design for that man or woman? Do you already have any articles along this line?
“1. Become the kind of person someone wants to find”
Spend time, please, dear Daniel, noticing and admiring the beauty of Jesus
Learn from his gentle and lowly ways
You will become like him in the unique person he made you to be within the arenas he places you— certainly that is a person anyone who loves the Lord would want to find and to befriend
"Finished products don’t exist. The people you envy as “complete packages” got married early enough that they could grow into those roles with their spouse"
I think this is the most insightful thing you wrote here, especially for GenZ- it's so obvious but far too often forgotten that the people we look up didn't start off that way. I often hear younger men and women talking about the relationships they look up to and expect that now. I'm all for standards, but I just don't think you can expect the maturity of something 30 at 21.
"You don’t need to be perfect. But you do need to be growing." Best advice of this whole piece.
Thanks, Michael, I've been waiting for this article! In your research and observations, do you have suggestions for best places to meet fellow single believers besides just church?
This hits hard because it’s so practical and real. I like how you frame marriage as both a blessing and something that needs effort, like you actually have to be ready instead of hoping it falls into your lap. The tsunami metaphor is perfect; culture has really changed the terrain and pretending it hasn’t just makes people get tossed around.
I also appreciate the balance you give: don’t delay blindly, don’t rush blindly, and don’t get lost in a fantasy checklist. The part about finding someone “on the way up” really matters. So much pressure today is put on finding perfection instead of growing together.
And yes, the reminder that attraction, character, and fun all matter together is simple but easy to forget. If you get too serious and ignore joy, you’re already starting in the wrong place. I like the emphasis on motion: start somewhere, start now. You don’t need the perfect plan, you need to engage the process.
I’d be curious what you think. I’ve held a view that any two actual Christians who actually obeying the Word can have a happy and holy marriage.
The aim here is undergirded life and marriage with the Word. Actual obedience whether single or not always leads to flourishing (even in the face of suffering and hardship).
I live in a sparsely populated region and there are legitimately no single Christian women around my age (26) that I could ask out if I wanted to. I tried a long-distance relationship online before, and it was one of the worst things that’ve ever happened to me; I’d rather not do that again.
It feels like a silly question, but does anyone have any recommendations for what I can do? I already visit the other local churches, it's rare even to meet men around my age.
Thank you for your article. Concerning Calvin, I think you are right that there is a place for physical appearance in his thought. However, I still believe that the interior moral disposition of a potential spouse is considered most important for him. As he says in his commentary on Genesis 29:18:
“So, a man who is induced to choose a wife because of the elegance of her form will not necessarily sin, provided reason always maintains the ascendancy, and holds the wantonness of passion under control.... For it is a very culpable lack of self-control when any man chooses a wife only for her beauty. Her excellence of disposition ought to be deemed the most important.”
Not to blame my boomer parents, but they did basically say “never date” but then failed to provide an alternative to dating. Love the advice to modern daters, but parents could use help too. There’s gotta be a middle ground between arranging marriages and sending Christian kids off youth group and crossing the old fingers.
You didn't really say anything. There's zero strategies here. I don't know why so many people liked this post. Feminism has destroyed dating and marriage and the Christian church. This post is another empty nothingburger.
It's really not. I grew up Baptist, been paying close attention to how the dating market's fallen apart over the past decade+, and been seeing how Christians are responding to it.
The hurdles Foster mentions here are just absolutely huge among American Christians, especially points (2) and (3), which both feed into point (1). Probably Western Christians in general, but I'd guess European Christians are nowhere near as bad. I hear dating is easier than it is stateside, but I digress.
And this is on top of the loads of actual garbage they bring into dating from what they see on social media, to the aftereffects of Purity Culture, and everything in between.
As far as his suggestions, they're also great. This stuff isn't news to you and me, that's truly awesome! But you should be amazed at the extent this stuff *is* news to a lot of 20-30 something Christians. "Be interesting." "Have fun." "Grow into the person you want to date." "Don't treat asking someone out like a marriage proposal." Those simple things are novel to way too many Christians. I've seen it for a decade+. I see it in online Christian communities (especially those focused on dating). I see it in my personal life.
I guarantee more than one person saw a heaping plate of substance where you see an "empty nothingburger." It even comes with a side of happening sauce.
Would you rather be spoonfed exactly what to do? He gave the principles of what we need to get started. I think his point is that it’s simpler than we think, but requires more effort.
(liked your comment before I even saw who left it 😆) I thought all of his principles were practical and fantastic! Good things come to those who wait faithfully, and if you make marriage your end-all goal and place it above God, you WILL be discontent (likely in single-ness AND marriage once it doesn't meet your expectations). The best that you can do is set your crosshairs are on God and walk in the good works He has prepared for you. Grow, grow, grow. Don't get comfortable in the rigidity that can easily come with living independently.
That's what I got from the article (and there was a lot more too!), it was darn solid 👌 These are all principles you can take anywhere regardless of circumstance. I appreciated the timelessness of his advice, and that he did not immediately assume/tolerate the idea of messing around on dating apps.
This article was another episode in the long saga of “how to draw an owl in two steps” posts.
Step 1: Draw a circle.
Step 2: Draw the rest of the owl.
Not a horrible article, but this post had nothing valuable to say that you won’t read in every single other post on the matter.
This is true.
Great article. Thanks you.
I’m wondering if you could point me to any of your other articles on a slightly different topic: I’ve been exploring ideas along the line of how do you define Biblical Masculinity and Biblical Femininity apart from our current culture. In other words, can we separate out the cultural norms of genders from the basics God put in us. Genetics and physiology can help us determine if someone is a man or a woman… But what is God’s design for that man or woman? Do you already have any articles along this line?
You're angry that women aren't oppressed any more, that we don't have to settle and be a subservient housewife and endure abuse.
How can you stand tall unless a woman is pushed down?
“1. Become the kind of person someone wants to find”
Spend time, please, dear Daniel, noticing and admiring the beauty of Jesus
Learn from his gentle and lowly ways
You will become like him in the unique person he made you to be within the arenas he places you— certainly that is a person anyone who loves the Lord would want to find and to befriend
this reply gives major incel vibes
Read it again, Daniel. And then again and again. Break the cycle. Take a step forward. Pray to God for His hand to guide you.
Terrific article! Its written for singles who live in this twisted culture. The reasoning behind your points is spot on.
This article is for people of all ages that wish to find a special person. Kudos!
Shared with my two teenage boys. Good stuff. My wife and I have talked through some of these same points.
"Finished products don’t exist. The people you envy as “complete packages” got married early enough that they could grow into those roles with their spouse"
I think this is the most insightful thing you wrote here, especially for GenZ- it's so obvious but far too often forgotten that the people we look up didn't start off that way. I often hear younger men and women talking about the relationships they look up to and expect that now. I'm all for standards, but I just don't think you can expect the maturity of something 30 at 21.
"You don’t need to be perfect. But you do need to be growing." Best advice of this whole piece.
Thanks, Michael, I've been waiting for this article! In your research and observations, do you have suggestions for best places to meet fellow single believers besides just church?
This hits hard because it’s so practical and real. I like how you frame marriage as both a blessing and something that needs effort, like you actually have to be ready instead of hoping it falls into your lap. The tsunami metaphor is perfect; culture has really changed the terrain and pretending it hasn’t just makes people get tossed around.
I also appreciate the balance you give: don’t delay blindly, don’t rush blindly, and don’t get lost in a fantasy checklist. The part about finding someone “on the way up” really matters. So much pressure today is put on finding perfection instead of growing together.
And yes, the reminder that attraction, character, and fun all matter together is simple but easy to forget. If you get too serious and ignore joy, you’re already starting in the wrong place. I like the emphasis on motion: start somewhere, start now. You don’t need the perfect plan, you need to engage the process.
So well said!
Very helpful.
I’d be curious what you think. I’ve held a view that any two actual Christians who actually obeying the Word can have a happy and holy marriage.
The aim here is undergirded life and marriage with the Word. Actual obedience whether single or not always leads to flourishing (even in the face of suffering and hardship).
Quality advice. Thank you.
I live in a sparsely populated region and there are legitimately no single Christian women around my age (26) that I could ask out if I wanted to. I tried a long-distance relationship online before, and it was one of the worst things that’ve ever happened to me; I’d rather not do that again.
It feels like a silly question, but does anyone have any recommendations for what I can do? I already visit the other local churches, it's rare even to meet men around my age.
Thank you for your article. Concerning Calvin, I think you are right that there is a place for physical appearance in his thought. However, I still believe that the interior moral disposition of a potential spouse is considered most important for him. As he says in his commentary on Genesis 29:18:
“So, a man who is induced to choose a wife because of the elegance of her form will not necessarily sin, provided reason always maintains the ascendancy, and holds the wantonness of passion under control.... For it is a very culpable lack of self-control when any man chooses a wife only for her beauty. Her excellence of disposition ought to be deemed the most important.”
Great post with good insights! Do you recommend ruling out entirely someone who is NOT Christian as a good candidate?
Not to blame my boomer parents, but they did basically say “never date” but then failed to provide an alternative to dating. Love the advice to modern daters, but parents could use help too. There’s gotta be a middle ground between arranging marriages and sending Christian kids off youth group and crossing the old fingers.
I’ve opted out, modern women now repulse me. Celibacy.
What are practical steps you can take to put Christ in the center as part of the Heavenly mindset?