How Emotional Reasoning & Referentialism Undermines Communication

Consider:

Pr 27:5-6 “Faithful are the wounds of a friend; profuse are the kisses of an enemy.”

Many people never said the things that you think they said.

Many people don’t hold the positions that you think they hold.

Why?

Because we, as an entire culture, are irrational and emotionally intemperate.

We are bad thinkers who think that our emotions are a reliable indicator of reality.

There are two things that contribute to this: associative thinking and emotional reasoning.

Associative thinking occurs when you allow your mind to “free associate,” or automatically link up ideas, thoughts, observations, memory of existing knowledge, and your subconscious.

It plays an important role in creativity. It, however, can be an impediment to comprehension in the exchange of ideas.

Let’s take the word “dominion.”

People associate it with “domination” and they associate that word with the practice of BDSM. It should be noted that dominion and domination are two different and have two different meanings.

And, of course, even those two meanings would need to be read in context to determine their particular meaning.

That requires a disciplined mind, a mind that doesn’t wander and freely associate. Those minds are rare in hyper-referential age.

What do I mean by referential? Perhaps you’ve seen clips from the show Family Guy. It has jokes called “cutaway jokes.” This type of joke is a non sequitur that has little to nothing to do with the plot. It is only connected by a thin referential thread. The show may be dealing with the main character buying a boat because boats float on water and this then leads to a cutaway joke about getting mugged at SeaWorld. You know, because SeaWorld is tied to water.

We’ve been trained by this sort of undisciplined referentialism. All of us.

Thus, you can use the word “dominion” in a well-crafted sentence or paragraph and the reader is still thinking about leather and whips.

This brings me to emotional reasoning.

This is where you are so strongly influenced by your emotions that you assume that they indicate objective truth. This really messes with communication.

For example, you may assume that a communicator is intending to anger you if a statement they made makes you feel mad. Your feelings serve as the interpretive grid for determining the meaning of statements.

Think how disastrous that can be when paired with associative thinking!

If a sentence has a word in it which provokes a negative association you’ll be driven to talk about that association even though it really has nothing to do with what is being said.

The word makes you think or feel something, so that’s what is being talked about.

Subjects, verbs, and objects matter very little. Indefinite and definite articles are mentally interchangeable. The context isn’t the grammar or syntax of the sentence or paragraph. It's the entire experience of the reader.

The individual's associations and emotions are the arbiter. If it feels a way, then that is the way it is.

Now, let’s consider that through Proverb 25:6.

Sometimes the faithful words of a friend feels like a wound. It feels like a blow, an attack, a stab.

But they aren’t.

They are words of love, care… they are faithful words.

Sometimes words of enemies feel like “profuse kisses.” They feel good. They feel like being lavished with love.

But they are unfaithful words.

You need to learn to discern which is what.

Slow down. Ask how these words can be true? Question your emotions. Ask why do I feel this way? Are these feelings justified by the meaning of the words?

Also, understand that other people have the same communication struggles and grant them a measure of grace to overcome them.