How to Avoid the Wrong Woman (and Find the Right One)

Marriage is one of the biggest steps a man can take. Done well, it multiplies his strength and furthers his mission. Done poorly, it becomes a weight he drags for the rest of his life. The book of Proverbs doesn’t romanticize this reality. It prepares men for it. It tells us plainly: a foolish woman will tear her house down with her own hands (Proverbs 14:1). A seductive woman will lead a man straight to death (Proverbs 7:27). And a loud, stubborn woman will make peace impossible (Proverbs 21:9).

We hear a lot of sermons warning women about bad men. And rightly so. Many men are selfish, sexually reckless, or directionless. But where are the warnings to men about bad women?

Scripture is not silent on this. From the lips of both father and mother, Proverbs gives young men clear instruction: avoid the immoral woman. Stay away from the manipulative, disrespectful, brazen kind of woman that weaponizes her femininity for attention, power, or rebellion. Solomon warns his son: don’t even go near her door.

Some men hear this and grow bitter. They become cynical. They swear off women entirely. That’s not the biblical response. Scripture is clear: “He who finds a wife finds a good thing and obtains favor from the Lord” (Proverbs 18:22). God made woman as a helper fit for man. A godly wife is a crown to her husband. She strengthens his house. She rejoices in his leadership. She bears and nurtures his children. She is not a threat to his calling. She is his indispensable ally in it.

But she must be chosen wisely. And for that, a man must know what to look for and what to avoid.

Two Signs of a Bad Woman

Let’s start with two of the clearest red flags given in Proverbs: immodesty and loudness.

1. Immodesty

“Behold, a woman comes to meet him, dressed as a harlot and cunning of heart.” – Proverbs 7:10

Clothing communicates. It always has. Whether through excess or exposure, immodest dress turns a person into a spectacle. In women, it often signals sexual availability, even when that’s not the intent. A wise man should take note.

It’s true that some women are intentionally provocative. They use their bodies to gain attention, leverage, or affirmation. But others are simply naive. They’ve never been taught how a man perceives the female form. They don’t understand that a particular style, fit, or pose speaks a language they aren’t trying to speak. In some cases, they’re shaped by a culture that celebrates self-exposure and calls it confidence. But in truth, modesty is wisdom applied to clothing.

None of this is cause for panic, but it is cause for discernment. If a woman consistently dresses in a way that highlights her sexuality, especially in public or online spaces, then she is either being foolish or predatory. Either way, she’s not ready to build a godly household. A wise man will move on.

2. Loudness

“She is loud and stubborn; her feet do not stay at home.” – Proverbs 7:11

The loud woman is not just talkative. The Hebrew idea here is turbulence, commotion, unruliness. Like a storm, she cannot be calmed or directed. She is driven by her desires and refuses to yield to order or leadership.

Her restlessness is a symptom of rebellion. Home feels like confinement because it represents the call to submission and responsibility. She doesn’t want to be part of the shared mission of building a household under the leadership of a man. She wants her own mission, her own freedom, her own way. She may desire marriage, but only if it doesn’t cost her control.

Such a woman makes a terrible wife. She undermines authority. She resents being led. She uses men for what they can provide but will not bind herself to their headship. In the end, she will tear down the very house she promised to help build.

The Beauty That Lasts

In contrast, Scripture gives us a picture of enduring, imperishable beauty: “a gentle and quiet spirit, which is precious in the sight of God” (1 Peter 3:4). This is the spirit of the godly wife in Proverbs 31. She is strong, industrious, and wise. But she is also modest, discreet, and deeply rooted in her household. She multiplies her husband’s influence. She fears the Lord...

...and her family praises her:

"Her children rise up and call her blessed;

her husband also, and he praises her:

'Many women have done excellently,

but you surpass them all.’” (Proverbs 31:28–29)

Of course, no woman begins marriage as the mature, godly woman described in Proverbs 31. That kind of woman is the fruit of years, sometimes decades, of sanctification, self-discipline, and faithful labor. But even in youth, you can see the seeds of that future glory.

She respects godly men, even if her own father isn’t one of them. She delights in children. She is cheerful, industrious, and content. She isn’t constantly bickering or stirring up strife. She has what I call demonstrated potential. Just as men must grow into capable, godly husbands, so too women must grow into wise and excellent wives. No one comes into marriage fully formed. But there are early signs of wisdom, humility, and femininity that point in the right direction.

So pay attention. Look for the raw material of a Proverbs 31 woman, and steer clear of the seductive and destructive spirit described in Proverbs 5.

Young men, don’t choose based on superficial charm or carefully curated images. Look for a woman who delights in being a woman, walks in godly wisdom, and desires to build a household under a man’s leadership. Look for humility. Look for peace. Look for someone who wants to cultivate a legacy, not a following.

And pastors, don’t be afraid to say these things. Yes, the backlash will come. We live in a culture that’s drunk on feminism and allergic to accountability. But the Word of God is not silent, and neither should we be. Warnings about bad men are good and necessary. But so are warnings about bad women. And if we love our sons, our brothers, and our church, we’ll teach them how to choose a wife with wisdom.

Because in the end, it's not just about avoiding danger. It’s about building something glorious: a household that reflects the goodness and order of God.

P.S. Much more could and will be said. I'm just scratching the surface of a neglected topic. Also, this is a heavy rewrite of two older posts I originally wrote for It’s Good to Be a Man.