How Women Destroy their Households

Immodesty, Envy, Quarrelsomeness.

Up to this point, our sermons in Proverbs have been focused on what it means to be a wise builder: how to build a godly life, a household, and a name.

Life itself is a gift from God, given to be used in worship and service. Every person is made to be a worshiper. The question is never whether you will worship, but who you will worship. Proverbs tells us plainly: the fear of the Lord is the beginning of wisdom and knowledge. That fear is a moral awakening; it’s the conviction that comes when you recognize that Jesus is King. It’s new birth. It’s bowing the knee and serving the Lord in everything you do. No matter how clever or accomplished you may be in other areas, if you don’t grasp that God made you to worship Him, you understand nothing.

But worship is not the whole picture. We are not only worshipers—we are servants. God has given mankind a mission: to subdue the earth and fill it with other worshipers. That mission includes making beautiful things: beautiful songs, beautiful homes, beautiful gardens, beautiful families, and a beautiful life lived in community with others who also build. Everyone builds, because that’s how God made us. We are formed from the dirt to work the dirt. We were created to labor, to serve, to construct. The question is whether we will build wisely. When we do, what we build is beautiful. And we must recover the importance of beauty.

When I was at Northern Kentucky University, one of the general ed requirements was to take either music appreciation or art appreciation. I chose art because I had grown up loving comic books and paintings. That love went back to elementary school. I went to University Elementary in Bloomington, Indiana, where we had an art teacher with a PhD. She was cranky, but she was good. In fifth grade, we spent an entire year studying an artist for each letter of the alphabet. That’s where I first learned about Degas painting ballerinas, Matisse, Van Gogh, and others. That kind of early exposure gave me a lasting love for art.

Unfortunately, my art professor at NKU wasn’t half the teacher. Her refrain, week after week, was that art was “entirely subjective.” Beauty, she insisted, was “in the eye of the beholder.” It wasn’t the finished product that mattered, but the journey of making it. We argued constantly, because I didn’t (and still don’t) buy it. Beauty is not purely subjective. I think she knew it too; it was just a game.

So when our class was assigned a project, to create a staff and explain what it meant, I decided to prove the point. Most of the class spent eight weeks gluing sticks together, sanding branches, and shaping wood. I just sat with my sketchbook. Each week, she’d ask how my project was coming, and I’d tell her I was sketching ideas. Then, on the day of the presentations, I walked across campus, ripped an eighteen-inch branch off a tree, and carried it into class. When she asked who wanted to go first, I raised my hand, stood in front of everyone, and presented the branch. I went on and on about how it represented man’s plundering of natural resources, and how I had been “meditating on it” for weeks as I sketched.

She pushed back, saying I hadn’t invested time in shaping the branch. I shot back: “That’s the point. Destroying the environment doesn’t take years of effort; it takes seconds. It took me two seconds to rip this off the tree in front of the library.” I don’t remember all I said, but I mocked the whole exercise. She was furious, told me to sit down, and gave me a D+. I appealed to the chair of the department, who bumped it to a C+. Why? Because she knew. She knew it wasn’t beautiful. I hadn’t done anything. Beauty isn’t found in a cheap shortcut. That project didn’t require wisdom, and wisdom and beauty are inseparably tied together.

And this is where Proverbs helps us: beauty is never detached from wisdom. In Proverbs, wisdom is not just a set of clever sayings or practical tips—it is the very order of God woven into creation. “The LORD by wisdom founded the earth; by understanding he established the heavens” (Prov. 3:19). The reason a song, a home, or a life can be beautiful is because it is wisely ordered in harmony with God’s design. Beauty is what wisdom looks like when it takes shape in the world.

Wisdom also teaches us how to see beauty. Fools chase glamour and call it beautiful, but wisdom teaches us to see beyond appearances to what is fitting and right. That’s why Isaiah says of Christ, “He had no form or majesty that we should look at him” (Is. 53:2). Outwardly, He looked plain. But by wisdom we see His true splendor, His holiness, obedience, and love shining with the highest beauty. As Paul says, He is both “the power of God and the wisdom of God” (1 Cor. 1:24).

Wisdom doesn’t just help us perceive beauty—it produces beauty. Proverbs 4:9 promises that wisdom “will place on your head a graceful garland; she will bestow on you a beautiful crown.” A wise life is a beautiful life. Jonathan Edwards went so far as to say that holiness is “the highest beauty.” When your life is ordered by God’s wisdom, when you fear the Lord, walk in obedience, and love what is good, your life takes on a beauty that no outward polish can match.

This is why the Reformed tradition has always insisted that beauty is not a luxury or an optional add-on to the Christian life. Calvin called creation “the theater of God’s glory.” Edwards said holiness is the most beautiful thing in the universe. Bavinck described beauty as “the harmony of God’s attributes.” All of them understood that beauty, rightly seen, is bound up with God Himself. It flows from His wisdom, truth, and goodness, and it calls us to worship.

In Christ, wisdom and beauty meet perfectly. He is the wisdom of God and the radiance of God’s glory (Heb. 1:3). At the cross, the world saw ugliness: a beaten man, bloodied and despised. But through the eyes of wisdom, the cross is the most beautiful act of love and justice the world has ever known. What looks foolish to man is the wisdom of God, and what looks ugly to the world is in fact radiant with divine beauty.

So we must recover beauty, not as sentimentality or subjective taste, but as the visible splendor of God’s wisdom. To pursue wisdom is to pursue beauty. To live wisely is to live beautifully. And when we see beauty, whether in a faithful marriage, a well-ordered church, a child’s hymn sung with sincerity, or the holiness of Christ Himself, we are glimpsing the glory of the Lord, the beauty that will one day fill all things.

There is a reason I’m talking about beauty…

Proverbs envisions wisdom as a beautiful woman and folly as an ugly one—Lady Wisdom and Lady Folly. Wisdom is lovely because she gives life, order, and blessing. Folly is grotesque because she leads to chaos, destruction, and death. These aren’t just abstract ideas; they’re flesh-and-blood realities in the home.

Charles Bridges puts it sharply: the wise woman is “the very soul of the house.” She doesn’t simply decorate it, she animates it. By her foresight and industry, she builds. By her integrity and faith, she gives the household stability. By her teaching and example, she raises children for God and for eternity. This is beauty at work, not skin-deep but soul-deep, showing itself in the harmony and fruitfulness of a godly home.

Lady Folly, by contrast, is hideous. Bridges describes her with bluntness: idleness, waste, love of pleasure, neglect of her children’s souls, lack of forethought. This is how she tears down her own house with her own hands. And it doesn’t take long. What took years to establish can be undone in months, weeks, sometimes even in a single day. Folly leaves ruins where there should have been a legacy.

Scripture presses this contrast home in Proverbs 14:1: “The wise woman builds her house, but the foolish pulls it down with her hands.” It’s the same lesson we see elsewhere in the book: wisdom is “a tree of life to those who lay hold of her” (Prov. 3:18), but folly is death (Prov. 9:18). The wise woman adorns her household with beauty; the foolish woman robs it of glory and leaves it in shambles.

So wisdom and beauty always go together, just as folly and ugliness do. A wise woman builds a beautiful life, a beautiful home, and a beautiful legacy because she builds according to God’s wisdom. But a foolish woman, ruled by folly, tears it down with her own hands.

Wisdom is the artful skill of living according to the moral and social order God has established. It is not just knowledge but obedience put into practice. That’s why Proverbs sets wisdom against folly. The fool (kesil, nabal, ewil) is not simply unintelligent but rebellious; she despises instruction (Prov. 1:7), mocks sin (Prov. 14:9), and hates correction (Prov. 12:1). Folly flows from a corrupted heart. It is unbelief in action, and it tears down everything in its path: “The wise woman builds her house, but folly with her own hands tears it down” (Prov. 14:1).

Folly destroys; wisdom builds. Folly makes life ugly; wisdom makes life beautiful.

Now, folly can be dressed up to imitate beauty. Beauty, by design, is something that captivates us. We’re supposed to be drawn to it.

While we were out in Washington state the last two weeks, we stayed at a friend’s house on a hill overlooking a small bubbling creek. It was all beautiful. Each morning I’d sit on the back porch with a cup of coffee, just staring at it. One morning I walked down the hill, rolled up my sweatpants, slipped off my shoes, and stood in the creek. I wanted to be surrounded by the beauty. That’s what beauty does: it captivates. The best art, the best music, the best meals don’t just flash past you; they hold you. They invite you to slow down, savor, and take them in.

But folly knows how to counterfeit beauty. She knows how to dress herself up to be alluring, to be captivating. Proverbs 7 gives us a vivid picture in the description of the adulteress. Now, that passage is written first and foremost to men as a warning about what to avoid, and I’ll speak to the men next week. But today we’re going to turn it and use it as a warning to you ladies.

Verses 10–12 describe her: she is dressed like a prostitute, and she lurks in the streets and marketplaces. Her purpose is to capture the eyes of men, not just her husband, but of other men as well. Remember, this is a married woman. Her clothing is designed to seduce, to attract, to stir up attention.

And here’s a question we don’t even want to ask anymore: can someone actually dress like a prostitute? A hundred years ago, what prostitutes wore would be considered modest by today’s standards. Yet now the lines are blurred. Everyone wants to argue about what’s “allowed,” how far they can push the boundaries. But why not ask a better question: Am I dressing in a way that honors my husband? Am I dressing in a truly beautiful way?

Women don’t need to hide their femininity. You don’t have to dress frumpy or ugly. But the idea that you have to bare more skin or make a spectacle of yourself to be beautiful is a lie. You can be beautiful and modest. You can be beautiful and even seductive, but that belongs in the privacy of your home, not in the streets, not in the marketplace, not on Instagram, and not even at the gym.

I’ll be frank: I don’t like going to public gyms because I don’t like being around immodesty. I stick to my garage gym. The immodesty is repulsive. It’s not attractive; it’s ugly. It’s folly. And folly tears down the household. Immodesty sets a poor example for daughters in how they should carry themselves. It sets a poor example for sons in what sort of women they should pursue. It undermines a husband’s trust. Some women even stir this up on purpose, provoking jealousy because they like the drama that comes with it. Add the fuel of the internet and social media, and it becomes all the more destructive.

Sisters, don’t dress in an ugly way. You don’t have to look like a prairie muffin, but don’t dress like a prostitute either. Notice in Proverbs 7 what sort of men are drawn to the adulteress: “a young man lacking sense.” Weak men, men controlled by lust. That’s what immodesty attracts.

Single women, do you want a good man? Then know this: you won’t attract him by dressing like the woman of Proverbs 7. You may draw the attention of fools, but wise men steer clear. A wise man knows a woman who puts herself on public display will never give herself wholly to him.

But sisters, it is a glorious thing to give all that you are to one man—your husband. To be joined together for a single purpose. A faithful wife is refreshing. Husbands look at their wives, their hair, their smile, their voice, their very presence, and think, “How did I ever deserve you?” Your beauty is like standing in the waters of a mountain creek: cool, life-giving, refreshing.

So give yourself to your husband. Don’t give yourself away to others. Save your beauty for him, and let him savor it.

Another feature of the woman who destroys her own household, and the households of others, is found in verse 11: “She is loud and wayward; her feet do not stay at home.” Then in verse 19 she says, “My husband is not at home.” She sees his absence as an opportunity to untether herself from her household.

Now, notice the contrast with Proverbs 31. The embodiment of Lady Wisdom, the godly wife and mother, is not chained inside four walls. She goes to the marketplace, she buys and sells, she plants vineyards, she provides food for her family. The Proverbs 31 woman is industrious. She’s not idle, and she’s not a recluse. So the issue is not whether a woman ever leaves her house. The issue is whether she is tethered to it.

Think of it like a bungee cord. A man may go far from home on business, to work, even to war, but the cord always pulls him back. His household is the anchor. So it is with a woman, though her tether is often shorter because the nature of her calling is to cultivate and guard her household. The godly woman feels the pull back home. But the woman of folly sees the tether as chains. She wants to cut it. She wants freedom without responsibility, the ability to go wherever she wants, do whatever she wants, with whomever she wants. She doesn’t want to be bound to a single household. And in that pursuit, she tears it down.

The easiest way to ruin a home is to stop being devoted to it. To neglect the people and place God has called you to. Your first place is your home. Your first people are your family, beginning with your husband. But it’s easy to get caught up in other people’s lives. And we live in a time when this temptation is magnified. Social media throws endless “highlight reels” of other households before your eyes: better men, better children, better jobs, better houses. It stirs discontent, fear of missing out, envy. And envy is poison.

Real life is not curated. Real life is messy. It’s full of happy moments and hard ones, joys and sorrows mixed together. The beautiful life doesn’t happen instantly; it’s built slowly, with faithfulness over time. If you are constantly staring at someone else’s curated “perfect” life, you will despise your own. And when your heart wanders, your home begins to crumble.

So beware of envy. Beware of coveting another woman’s life. The most beautiful life you can live is the one God has already given you, right in front of you, in the household He has called you to build.

The last thing I want to point out in Proverbs 7 is the destructiveness of this woman’s speech. She is a sweet-talker, a smooth operator. Notice how she cloaks her sin in religious language—“I’ve paid my vows” (v.14). She uses spirituality as a cover for waywardness, as if her religious acts give her permission to pursue immorality. Then she paints an alluring picture for the young, foolish man: a night of passion with no consequences, a feast of pleasure that will last until morning. Her words drip with charm, but they are poison.

This is emotional manipulation. Persuasion and manipulation are not the same thing. Persuasion is upfront; it lays out the case, it tries to convince you openly. Manipulation is veiled. It hides its true aim. It seeks to get someone to do what is against their better interest, and therefore it must be smooth, strategic, and deceptive.

No one likes to be manipulated. You think someone is being open and honest, you trust them, and only later do you realize it was all a game to get what they wanted from you. Manipulation destroys trust. And once trust is gone, it is very difficult to restore. Manipulative mothers drive their children away. Manipulative mothers-in-law drive away their sons-in-law and daughters-in-law. They meddle in things that are none of their business because they don’t respect boundaries.

This woman in Proverbs 7 has no boundaries. She doesn’t respect her marriage vows, she doesn’t stay at home, she doesn’t honor her husband. Her words don’t build up trust; they make life into a frustrating guessing game: What did she really mean by that?

Women, if you want to destroy your legacy, manipulate your husband, manipulate your children, manipulate your in-laws. Manipulation will tear it all down. Your speech can be persuasive without being manipulative. You don’t need to be as blunt as men; men insult each other and don’t mean it, women compliment each other and don’t mean it, but you do need to be honest about your intentions. Fake compliments, veiled barbs, vague posts on social media, all of these erode trust. A post like, “Sometimes the best way to enjoy your birthday is to enjoy it alone,” may seem harmless, but everyone knows it’s a disguised cry for attention. That kind of speech breeds suspicion and resentment.

The adulterous woman of Proverbs 7 thinks only of the short-term. She says, “My husband is not at home” (v.19), and takes that moment as her opportunity. But what about when he comes home? What about the long-term consequences? The manipulator doesn’t care. She lives for immediate gratification, not lasting fruit. And in the process, she tears down her own household with her own hands.

You can have a home full of beautiful things. Everything can be perfectly curated, worthy of Instagram. The pictures are hung just right, the furniture is arranged in order, every detail appears lovely. And yet that home can still be a miserable place. Why? Because the woman who fills it does so with an unpleasant attitude. Her very presence makes the place ugly. Instead of drawing her family in, she repels them.

Proverbs 21:9 says, “It is better to live in a corner of the housetop than in a house shared with a quarrelsome wife.” Charles Bridges observed that even the cold, cheerless corner of a roof, lonely and exposed to the elements—is better than living inside a fine home that has been turned from a refuge into a theater of contention. Matthew Henry said the same: a man may have the largest, most comfortable house, but if it is filled with strife, it becomes unbearable. Peace is more valuable than prosperity, and contention makes even the best house feel like a prison.

Here is the tragedy: under Lady Wisdom, a home becomes a refuge of beauty and peace. It is a place of rest for a husband, nurture for children, harmony for all who live there. But under Lady Folly, the home becomes a battleground. Home is not where the heart is; home is where the fight is. A quarrelsome woman nitpicks, nags, criticizes, and argues. No one is quite good enough. And when her husband or children react in frustration, she refuses to take responsibility for her attitude. She shifts the blame and says that they are the problem.

Scripture captures the irony in Proverbs 11:22: “Like a gold ring in a pig’s snout is a beautiful woman without discretion.” Is there a greater tragedy than beauty ruined by ugliness? A woman may love order, she may love to have everything “just right,” but if her demeanor is bitter, if her spirit is critical, then she undoes everything she has arranged with her hands.

Ladies, hear this: a joyful demeanor builds up your household. A nagging, critical spirit tears it down.

So let’s bring it back to where we began. Proverbs says, “The wise woman builds her house, but the foolish tears it down with her own hands” (14:1). Sisters, you are builders by design. The question is not whether you will build, but whether you will build wisely. Will your worship and service flow into a household that reflects God’s beauty, ordered, fruitful, life-giving? Or will folly creep in through envy, immodesty, manipulation, or neglect, leaving behind ruins where there should have been glory? The wise woman fears the Lord, and that fear adorns her life with true beauty. Build with that wisdom, and your life, your home, and your legacy will shine with the splendor of God Himself.