Nine Lessons from Motherhood

We are posting Emily’s lightly edited notes from her women’s breakout session at Blue Collar Confessionalism…

Good morning! One of the blessings of being married to a man like Michael is that sometimes he signs you up to speak in front of large groups!

In all seriousness, I’m thankful for the opportunity to talk to you ladies this morning. Some of you may not know me, so I wanted to take a brief moment to introduce myself.

My name is Emily Foster, also known as Mrs. Michael Foster. The Lord called me to Himself, and I began to live for Him during my freshman year of high school. It was around that same time I met my husband at a Bible study. Michael and I are high school sweethearts, and we’ve been together for 25 years, since April 24, 1999. We dated for 4 ½ years (I wouldn’t recommend that; it was hard). By God’s grace, I was able to wear white on our wedding day in 2003, and this past July marked our 21st year of marriage. Our marriage is now old enough to legally buy alcohol and tobacco products! We’ve had 9 children together (5 boys and 4 girls), 1 in heaven and 8 earthside. Most days you can find me sitting on the couch reading living books for school with my kids, getting a dirt manicure while watering and weeding the garden, or filling a black trash bag with stuff from the house to donate. I love autumn colors, my favorite animal at the zoo is the elephant, and I’d eat sushi, Thai, or Indian food for nearly every meal if my family would go along with it.

Well, enough about me. This morning, I’d like to share with you nine lessons I’ve learned over the past 18 years since becoming a mother. These lessons are in no particular order, and I’ve tried to make them as practical as possible. I hope they’re a blessing to you.

Before we begin, let’s pray:

Dear Heavenly Father, may the words of my mouth and the meditations of all our hearts be acceptable in Your sight, O Lord, our Rock and our Redeemer. Amen.

1. The first lesson motherhood brings is about dying to self.

New parents often ask which number child is the hardest transition. My answer is always the first. Baby number one is the beginning of the end. With kid number two, you’re no longer a couple with a baby; there’s no pretending anymore—you’re a family. With kid number three, you go from man-to-man to zone defense. You’re outnumbered.

But with the first child, the process of dying to self truly begins. Yes, you’ve had to make sacrifices for school or work, but you graduated at the end of the class or clocked out at the end of your shift. Growing up, you made compromises with your parents and later with your husband. But the Refiner’s fire burns hot and deep, touching every part of your life when that new little baby begins to grow inside you.

The Bible, in 1 Timothy 2:15, says that women will be saved through childbearing. That’s talking about the transformation that happens in our hearts and minds through bearing and raising children. Motherhood brings about a death to self unlike anything else. It’s a 24-hour affair. Your very body is no longer your own. You’re laying down your life to become the first nursery for your child, practicing the ultimate form of hospitality as your little one nestles safely inside you. Morning sickness, stretch marks, varicose veins, back pain, and heartburn are all badges of honor you earn over the course of nine months. Your baby affects your choices—what you eat, when you sleep, what you wear (and whether those maternity jeans will stay up).

Then you surrender yourself to the pain of labor so this fruit of your womb can enter the world. With each contraction, you get a glimpse of the suffering Christ endured on the cross, identifying and hiding yourself in Him. In your weakness, you cry out to the Lord for the strength to do what He’s crafted and created your body to do. Sometimes this even requires major abdominal surgery to bring forth your baby. But it’s worth it. Oh, is it worth it! That moment when your little one is placed in your arms and you kiss the top of their head—tears of joy!

And as if that wasn’t enough, you continue to pour yourself out for your little one. Round-the-clock feedings, whether by bottle or breast, nourish that tiny newborn into a roly-poly toddler. The demands on your time and attention are immense. Naptime and bedtime dictate your schedule and what you can do. Sometimes you can’t even do the things you dislike (like handwashing dishes or folding laundry) when you want to do them!

I could go on and on about the ways you die to self throughout your child’s life. Before you know it, your son or daughter has grown into an adult, and you face a new form of self-sacrifice—letting them leave your home. I’m on the cusp of this as my oldest is a senior in high school. Friends a few years ahead of me say this stage brings its own challenges. I’d appreciate your prayers as I embark on this part of the refinement process.

But all of this is glorious. There’s something both thrilling and daunting about starting something new, and motherhood is no different. The way a pregnant mother glows is because bringing forth life is a gift only women can experience. To take a little seed from her husband and, through love and passion, multiply it into a new life being knitted inside her—it’s awe-inspiring!

2. The second lesson motherhood brings is that children are a gift, not a promise.

After our third son was born, Michael felt the pressure of providing financially, emotionally, and spiritually for our three boys. He started looking into whether or not it was biblical to practice birth control. Shortly after, we became pregnant with our fourth child, and to our shock, our baby’s heartbeat stopped at 38 weeks. Nicaea was born still.

Our culture often assumes that every pregnancy will result in a child raised to adulthood. And depending on who you talk to, that child can be seen as either a burden or a blessing. After our loss, we realized how wrong we were to assume that every time we saw two pink lines, it would mean a baby nine months later. We also learned how much more common infertility, miscarriages, stillbirths, and infant losses are. So, while we don’t live in fear, we want to remain sober-minded about children. They are a gift, not something—or rather, someone—to take for granted.

We encourage married couples not to put a number on how many children to have, but simply to start. Take it one at a time. Generally, they come that way. Sometimes in pairs. But the Lord gives, and He takes away. He opens and closes the womb. While we may not always understand what He is doing, we can be confident that what He does is for His glory and our good.

A few weeks after our stillbirth, I remember driving to pick up the boys from a friend’s house. She had graciously watched them for a few hours while I ran errands. I was driving on the road that led to the cemetery, and I stopped at a stop sign and suddenly burst into tears. I thought I would be teaching Nicaea about Jesus Christ, but here she was teaching me.

In Mark 4:35-41, we see the account where Jesus stills the storm. Here, we encounter Jesus, the Ruler of All Nature. Jesus and His disciples were crossing the Sea of Galilee when a squall arose, and the boat was in danger of sinking. The disciples panicked, woke Jesus, and doubted if He cared (which is ironic, given that He came to earth to die on a cross for our sins because He cares). Jesus rebuked the wind and commanded the sea, “Hush, be still.” When the sea became calm, He asked them, "Why are you afraid? Do you still have no faith?" The disciples’ mistake was focusing on their circumstances rather than on Jesus. They forgot His word that they would go to the other side. The storm’s voice silenced the voice of the Lord.

When our oldest daughter, Nicaea, died, we didn’t expect it. In the storm of our grief, it was hard to understand why it was happening. Scripture tells us the rain falls on the just and the unjust alike. Death is part of this fallen world, and we will all be touched by it. Eventually, we all die. For me, Nicaea’s death was the first time I lost someone truly close to me. Sometimes Jesus leads us into storms, and I believe that was the case for me. He was in control, calling Nicaea to Himself when He did. I struggled to keep my eyes on Jesus in the midst of the circumstances. I remember praying over and over, “Lord, I believe. Help my unbelief.” Now, 12 years after her death, I can see God’s light on that dark cloud in my life. How He used Nicaea’s death to minister to many, especially to my husband, my children, and myself. I am thankful for His ways, even though I don’t always fully understand them.

A dear friend told me, in the weeks following the funeral, that Nicaea was my "Ebenezer." An Ebenezer is a "stone of help." In 1 Samuel, Samuel set up a stone between Mizpah and Shen to remind the Israelites for generations how God had rescued them when they humbled themselves before Him. Nicaea became my “stone of help,” reminding me of the hope of the resurrection and tying my heart to heaven.

So, if you are in this room and have experienced a loss or are struggling with infertility, take heart: The Lord is at work. There are ways you can live out motherhood toward others. And know that I am praying for you.

3. The third lesson motherhood brings is about joy.

We want to cultivate a heart and attitude of joy throughout our lives. We want to look for things to rejoice over. We want our praise reports to be as long or longer than our prayer requests. We want to keep track of and remember how God has been faithful, provided, and answered prayers, even in the little things—especially the little things—like when you’ve been praying for a 9+ passenger van for over two years, and God not only provides a 15-passenger van but even answers your side prayer that it would be any color but white!

Psalm 90:14 says, “Satisfy us in the morning with Your graciousness, that we may sing for joy and rejoice all our days.”

Psalm 92:4 says, “For You, Lord, have made me joyful by what You have done. I will sing for joy over the works of Your hands.”

We are to have joy in the children we prayed for, like Sarah, Rebecca, Rachel, and Hannah. Joy in playing trains, reading books, and playing pretend. Board games, family movie nights, and tending a garden.

Care about the atmosphere of your home. Make it a joy to be there. Create a place where your children want to bring their friends, and where they want to return when they’re older.

We are to have joy even in the trials of life. James tells us, “Consider it all joy, my brothers and sisters, when you encounter various trials, knowing that the testing of your faith produces endurance. And let endurance have its perfect result, so that you may be perfect and complete, lacking in nothing.”

The Proverbs 31 woman smiles at the future. She looks forward to what the Lord has in store.

4. The fourth lesson motherhood brings is to pursue Mother Culture.

My oldest was about three years old when I first heard about the concept of Mother Culture. Karen Andreola, author of *Mother Culture*, defines it as “the skillful art with which a mother looks after the ways of her household and herself. In her home, she creates a culture all her own, mingling love and responsibility. A mother does a lot of taking care, so she also takes care of herself. So much depends on how she manages her life.”

In a world where everyone talks about "Me Time," finding the right balance in self-care can feel like a delicate dance. We needn’t be neglectful, nor indulgent. Mother Culture offers a refreshing perspective by encouraging the pursuit of one’s own spiritual and intellectual life, while still nurturing and caring for the household.

Mrs. Andreola writes:

Just as a mother takes joy in seeing and hearing her children play, she would benefit from a little play herself. Rather than wait until you are tottering on the brink of burnout, consider fitting in at least two 10-minute moments of Mother Culture a day… What makes play possible for a busy mother? She chooses little pleasantries within reach. These can be enjoyed in 10-to-15 minute intervals that are not difficult to fit into her cubby-holed hours… A mother learns alongside her child. But she also learns off to the side. My suggestions invite her to dig, dabble, dream, ponder, treasure, meditate, and then to express herself.

She suggests ideas like taking a walk, puttering in the garden, reading a book, drawing, photographing a sunrise, knitting a pair of mittens, or simply enjoying a glass of iced tea by a favorite window.

As a young mom, I remember how appealing this sounded to me. I began to implement it slowly. I was pregnant at the time with my third and had always wanted to learn to sew on a sewing machine. My aunt had just gifted me one for Christmas. My mother-in-law walked me through the user manual, and I began making little projects—mending and hemming, making curtains for a bookshelf, and covering the area under the bathroom sink. I would sew a few afternoons a week during nap time. It was a way to grow personally, but not in a self-centered way. The things I made still glorified God and blessed my family and friends.

Over the years, I’ve continued to be intentional in learning this way. Some pursuits I’ve taken up include piano lessons, gardening, raising chickens, cast iron cooking, grilling, crocheting, refinishing and reupholstering furniture, photography, sewing, quilting, embroidery, doll making, cooking, baking, preserving, espresso-making, using power tools, and painting with watercolors.

I’ve always loved art. I took an art class every year of my education, from grade school through high school. By senior year, I was taking two art classes and seriously considering art school. But I ended up going a different route. When my oldest was eight, it occurred to me that I should start keeping my own nature journal and drawing again. Those weekly entries have been some of the most life-giving activities of the last 10 years.

5. The fifth lesson motherhood brings is about memory work.

Cultivate the habit of storing up Scripture—“psalms and hymns and spiritual songs”—as well as catechism questions and answers, convicting and encouraging quotes, speeches, poetry, and the like. First and foremost, actively memorize Scripture. It is invaluable. Hebrews 4:12 says, “For the word of God is living and active, sharper than any two-edged sword, piercing even to the division of soul and spirit, of joints and marrow, and able to judge the thoughts and intentions of the heart.”

In Matthew 4:1-11, when Jesus is tempted by Satan, how does He fight and overcome temptation? With Scripture:

Then Jesus was led up by the Spirit into the wilderness to be tempted by the devil. After He had fasted forty days and forty nights, He became hungry. And the tempter came and said to Him, ‘If You are the Son of God, command that these stones become bread.’ But He answered and said, ‘It is written… It is written… it is written…’” Each time He is tempted, Jesus responds with the Word. Then the devil left Him; and behold, angels came and began to serve Him.

I love biographies and autobiographies, especially about how the saints of old lived out their faith and endured to the end. My youngest son is even named Foxe, after John Foxe, who wrote Foxe’s Book of Martyrs, chronicling the lives of the apostles and other martyrs of Jesus Christ. Reading about faithful men and women encourages me to go and do likewise. It reminds me that the God of Abraham, Isaac, and Jacob is my God too. Just as God was faithful to them, He will also be faithful to complete the work He began in me. I want to imitate them as they imitated Christ.

Over time, I’ve realized I have a soft spot for WWII biographies, likely because it's a relatively recent part of history. I’ve known people who lived through that time—I’ve heard their voices, touched them, embraced them. Two autobiographies that had a profound impact on me were The Hiding Place by Corrie ten Boom and Evidence Not Seen by Darlene Deibler Rose. Both women endured horrific situations with nothing to comfort them except prayer and the biblical truths the Holy Spirit brought to mind through Scripture and hymns they had memorized. They had no books, no Bible, no hymnals, no apps or playlists—only what they had stored up in their hearts. Reading about their experiences lit a fire in me to store things up.

So how do we do this? How do we go about storing up these things? It takes intentionality. Charles Spurgeon said, “The way to do a great deal is to keep on doing a little. The way to do nothing at all is to be continually resolving that you will do everything.” You store up rainwater one drop at a time. Start with one passage. There are many methods for memorizing Scripture—posting it around the house where you’ll see it throughout the day, writing and rewriting it. The kids and I have a memory box of index cards that we review daily, and we’ve incorporated poems, speeches, and quotes into this system. There are also apps to assist with memory work. To memorize hymns, the best method is to sing them. We typically focus on one hymn a month, usually ones we sing on Sunday mornings, to aid in corporate worship.

6. The sixth lesson motherhood brings is to take care of your body physically.

Eighteen years ago, when we first met our childbirth instructor, I was shocked when she told us she had NINE children! She looked amazing—I would have never guessed she had that many kids. She emphasized the importance of caring for my body during pregnancy and postpartum, including pelvic floor exercises. Now, I can testify: take care of yourself! Do everything you can to pursue health. Try to get about 8 hours of sleep (though all bets are off during those first few weeks postpartum!). Meal plan so you can eat well. Nourish your body with what you can reasonably afford. Drink water, take vitamins and supplements, and any prescribed medications. Find a form of physical fitness that you enjoy, or at least one you can do regularly.

Lately, I’ve been thinking big picture about what I want to be able to do as I age: I want to play with my grandkids without being winded. I want to sit on the floor, cross-legged, and get up without using my hands. I want to carry a full 5-gallon bucket of water from my back porch to the chicken yard. These are specific, achievable goals that I can work toward.

7. The seventh lesson motherhood brings is to stay connected with your husband.

Remember, you are his helpmate first, and your children come second. Children need a stable home where they can see the affection and romance between you and your husband. It comforts them and models the kind of marriage they should want when they grow up. Be sweet with your husband. Speak well of him to your children and others. Be intentional about flirting with him throughout the day—through calls, texts, and especially in person. During difficult seasons, lean on each other. Confide in each other. Pray together and bear each other’s burdens. Even during illness, find ways to connect and be intimate.

One of the greatest ministries to your husband is making love often. For a man to feel loved and desired by his wife can fire him up like nothing else. He will go out, move mountains, lasso the moon, and conquer the world. When he knows his bride is waiting at home to help him take off his armor, he can endure incredible amounts of stress and resist so much temptation.

So make time to be together. Make it a goal. Find ways to keep the fire alive. We’ve never had a regular date night, but we try to talk a few times throughout the day, even if it’s just a short 5-10 minute call. We also spend most evenings together after the kids are in bed. We usually have a shared hobby, whether it’s exercising together, working on the farm, or tackling a household project. In counseling other married couples, we’ve often found that they report the only thing they do together anymore is watching TV. So find something meaningful to do with your husband, where you can spend time together and cultivate friendship within your marriage.

8. The eighth lesson motherhood brings is to enjoy your children.

After all, aren’t these the little ones you prayed for? Make time to play. Go outside. In theory, the house can’t get any worse if nobody is in it. After dinner, when the family wants to go out in the yard or for a walk, go with them. Either get everyone involved in the after-meal cleanup (make a game of it—set a timer and try to beat the clock!) or let the dishes wait. You can handwash or load the dishwasher when you get back. The season with children at home goes fast. My oldest three are in high school now, and my oldest turns 18 in October. I look back at pictures, and I miss them being little. I miss playing trains and pretending to be dinosaurs. You think it will never end, but one day, you realize it has.

My girls often ask me to draw with them, and we’ll collaborate on a picture together. These little moments are precious, so don’t miss them.

9. The ninth lesson motherhood brings is to establish rhythm and routines in your home.

In our current study of Genesis on Sunday mornings, we see how God established a pattern for life—six days of labor followed by one day of rest, along with the seasons of the year. From this, we learn the importance of a rhythm to our weeks, months, and years.

First and foremost, prioritize corporate worship on the Lord’s Day. It is, after all, a command. In Exodus 20, the fourth commandment says, “Remember the Sabbath Day, to keep it holy.” Our independent, self-sustaining American flesh might resist such a requirement, but that’s because we’re foolish. His ways are not our ways. His yoke is easy, and His burden is light. The Lord calls us to set aside a day of rest from the regular work of the week to focus on the work of worship. It is a rest, but not the lazy, don’t-expend-any-effort kind of rest we think of. It requires effort, but it’s good effort.

Now, I know I’m a pastor’s wife, but this is something I’ve lived out since I became a believer at 14, long before I married a minister. I’ve seen so much good fruit from this practice! Attending Sunday Morning Worship has been a safety net for me during the lowest moments in my walk. As a mother, it has shown my children what we should orient our lives around: personal and family worship throughout the week, and corporate worship on Sunday.

Setting aside the Lord’s Day requires preparation—of the heart and schedule. Prepare by reading and meditating on the passage that will be preached, and by examining your heart, repenting, and resolving any sin before coming to the Lord’s Table. Schedule-wise, tidy up the house on Saturday so housework is minimal on Sunday. Lay out church clothes (including shoes—ask me how I know!) and have a simple breakfast planned. Babies’ and toddlers’ nap schedules may be disrupted, but that’s okay. With some preparation, the benefits of regular Sunday worship far outweigh the challenges. Sports, extracurricular activities, and even family gatherings must bow to the Lord’s Day. If we frequently miss worship while raising our kids, we shouldn’t be surprised if they don’t prioritize it as adults.

Throughout the rest of the week, plan your days intentionally. In our home, Mondays are a reset day to recover from the weekend. I try to stay home—no appointments, no errands, just a focus on tidying up, catching up on laundry, and getting ready for the week ahead.

Also, consider hospitality. Scripture encourages fellowship with other believers and ministry to the lost. Hosting people in your home allows you to shine brightly for Christ. Plan ahead and make it part of your routine. Hospitality also has the practical benefit of motivating you to clean! Your home doesn’t need to be immaculate, but it should be comfortable for guests. 

Besides planning your week, establish morning and evening routines to make your days run smoothly. Mornings in our home typically involve getting up, brushing teeth, feeding the dogs, making coffee, exercising, showering, reading my Bible, praying, and starting the school day. Evenings are for winding down with baths or showers, laying out clothes, quiet reading, prayer, and lights out at 9 p.m. When routines are set, there’s minimal decision fatigue, and the kids know what to expect.

10. Here’s a bonus one: Make time in your day to pray, pray, pray!

There are so many ways to incorporate prayer into your daily life. Find what works best for you. There are apps, or you can keep a prayer journal. I often tie prayer to repetitive tasks, like when my boys were little and napping in the car, or when I’m handwashing dishes. There’s a famous story about Susanna Wesley, mother of John and Charles Wesley, who had 19 children. She used to flip her apron over her head to pray, and her children knew not to disturb her when they saw her like that.

Pray through scripture, like the Lord’s Prayer, Titus 2:3-5, or Psalm 1. Pray for your children’s friendships, future spouses, and even for your grandchildren. Pray for yourself and your family. 

On that note, let’s pray:

Lord,

Thank you for making man in your image, both male and female, and that it was very good. Please enable us to glorify You through our femininity, not by might, not by power, but by Your Spirit, O Lord. Strengthen us in this sanctifying work of motherhood—the work You designed and created us for.

Thank you for how motherhood, like a pressure cooker, uses both heat and pressure to bring about wonderful things—for the dirt and the diamonds. May we sparkle and shine for You as You remove the sin in our hearts.

Lord, help us not to be hearers only, but doers of Your Word. May we honor You in all that we say, think, and do. Please bless the fruit of our hands and bring the increase. May it be abundant and overflowing, so that we can share with those around us, starting with our families.

Blessing and glory and wisdom and thanksgiving and honor and power and might be to our God forever and ever! Amen.

Thank you, ladies.