Overcoming the Perils of the Large Family pt. 2

Why even write about the perils of large families?

At a national level, the clear problem is plummeting birth rates and shrinking family sizes. The average household size in America has shrunk dramatically, especially since the creation of the birth control pill. Thus, it would seem that if I were to write about anything, I should focus on the blessings of large families.

So why take this tack? 

First, life isn’t experienced based on a "national average." Consider my situation: I married a girl I met in high school, and we've been faithfully and happily married for over 20 years. We have nine children. What is average about my life? For the most part, counsel tailored to the national average is useless to me. Furthermore, many of the people who read my work have either made similar decisions or intend to do so. Sometimes I write for a general audience, and sometimes I write for a specific audience. If you represent the national average, these posts aren’t for you.   

Secondly, people should consider the real cost of having a large family. Cautioning individuals to count the cost is Christ-like. In Luke 14, Jesus cautions those considering following him in this manner:

“For which of you, desiring to build a tower, does not first sit down and count the cost, whether he has enough to complete it? Otherwise, when he has laid a foundation and is not able to finish, all who see it begin to mock him, saying, ‘This man began to build and was not able to finish.’ Or what king, going out to encounter another king in war, will not sit down first and deliberate whether he is able with ten thousand to meet him who comes against him with twenty thousand? And if not, while the other is yet a great way off, he sends a delegation and asks for terms of peace.”

No doubt this caution turned some people away from following him. That was a risk he was willing to take because it also had the opposite effect. It resulted in some individuals counting the cost and moving forward with sober resolve. My goal is similar but concerning large families. I want “towers” that get completed and stand strong for generations. 

So, how do you overcome the perils of large families? Let’s consider mindset this time and the means next.

Most of the perils of a large family stem from short-sighted idealism. 

It goes something like this: If it's true that family is good and if it's true that children are a blessing, then it must also be true that a large family is good. If we pursue this objectively good desire in faith, God will provide for all our needs. 

This sounds good at a surface level, but if you dig just a little, it becomes apparent that the Scripture logic is spotty, to say the least. 

For example, children aren’t an unqualified blessing. When people say children are a blessing, the image in their head is usually babies, toddlers, or small children. While parenting begins with the birth of a child, it doesn’t end when they leave home or become legal adults. You will parent adults through all the ups and downs of their 20s, 30s, 40s, and beyond. That seems distant when you're cleaning spit-up off your shirt, but it’s right around the corner. Your chief parenting goal is to raise a baby into a godly grown adult. Therefore, a grown child leaving home to start their household is the biggest parenting milestone. It’s precisely during this time that it becomes evident that children are both a potential blessing and a potential heartache. 

Every apostate once was a cute baby. Every adult dominated by some besetting sin—homosexuality, thievery, drunkenness, etc.—once brought their parents joy as they took their first steps, rode a bike without training wheels, or scored a run on their little league team. There is no greater pain than that of a wayward child. In some cases, it is as if they are dead even though they live. I’ve heard many parents say, “I don’t recognize the person that they have become. It’s all so terrible.” 

Scripture speaks clearly of this pain and shame. Proverbs 17:25 says, 'A foolish son is a grief to his father and bitterness to her who bore him.' The word for bitterness can be translated as 'bitter woe.' Remember what Scripture says about Hophni and Phinehas? It states, 'the sons of Eli were worthless men. They did not know the Lord (1 Samuel 2:11).' It’s a bitter woe to see your child grow into a worthless person. 

Idealists can’t bear this reality. They ignore it because it's a stiff drink of reality. The Scriptural reality results in a gravity that undermines the simple pleasure that comes from engaging in Hallmark sentimentality with a thin veneer of selective Bible verses. Even now, I can hear them say, 'But, but train up a child in the way he should go; even when he is old he will not depart from it!' Well, yes, exactly. God works through the means of parenting. But I’ll tackle that next time. 

Fruitfulness is a blessing if you can bring in the harvest. Thankfully, children usually come one at a time. Returning to an earlier metaphor, this allows you to reassess just how tall you will build your tower. Families are built one phase at a time. Do you have the resources to add another level?

That’s what I’ll consider next time.