Practical Wisdom on Pursuing Marriage

Those First Few Dates

Before you start dating, you need to have your head on straight. This isn’t a full field manual on marriage—it’s more like a road sign at the edge of town, pointing you in the right direction before you take the first few steps. You need to know where you’re going, trust that the world isn’t short on good women, and be ready to take real steps toward something lasting. This is about those early dates—where things go sideways fast if you’re not careful—and how to carry yourself with clarity, confidence, and just enough humility to keep from making a fool of yourself.

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Three Needed Mindsets Men Have Before They Start Dating

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“I have an idea of where I’m going in life.”

You don’t need a ten-year blueprint, but you do need a general direction. What are your career ambitions? How are you going to pursue them? What steps will you take over the next five years? Where do you plan to live during that time?

I sum this up as: mission first.

Women are drawn to men who are actively moving toward a larger goal. They don’t want to be the engine of the relationship. They’re wired to be helpers—extraordinarily gifted helpers—but still helpers. The burden of leadership rests squarely on the man’s shoulders.

A good woman doesn’t want to be your mission, and she doesn’t want to be the one who gives you one. She wants to support a man who already has one. Again, you don’t need a detailed plan, but you do need a clear sense of direction—and you need to be taking real steps forward.

Mission first. Then chase excellence, not girls.

And once you’ve got movement in those areas, then you can start thinking about pursuing a woman.

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Call to Action:
In one sentence or less, write where you’d like to be 3–5 years from now in each of these areas: career/education, finances, fitness, and assets. Then ask, “What steps can I take this quarter to move toward these goals?” Take those steps. If you get stuck, ask for help from a man who’s doing well in the area where you’re stalled.

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“I have an abundance of opportunities and options.”

There’s something called an abundance mentality, which stands in stark contrast to a scarcity mentality. In dating, an abundance mindset says, “God’s not short on good women—and I only need one.” It keeps you grounded, focused, and confident, even when things don’t pan out right away.

A scarcity mindset, on the other hand, panics, clings, settles, or compromises—because it treats every missed connection like it’s the last train out. Yes, excellent women are rare—but so are excellent men. So if you’re a man on mission, pursuing excellence, and walking with the Lord, you can trust He won’t forget to provide the right woman at the right time.

Women, generally speaking, find neediness and desperation repulsive. They’re drawn to confident men who have options—not just romantically, but in life. That’s because deep down, a woman wants a man who can lead, protect, and provide—not just for her, but for the children she hopes to have. Confidence, direction, and competence signal that kind of strength. Desperation signals weakness.

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Call to Action:
Commit to memory key biblical promises about God’s abundant provision—verses like John 10:10, Psalm 23, and Proverbs 10:6. But don’t stop there. Also memorize verses that remind you God works through adversity, like James 1:2–4. Rejection isn’t the end of the world. If a girl turns you down, it’s not because you’re doomed—it’s because God is sharpening you for something better. There are other women. And one of them will be a better fit.

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“I’m prepared to take the next step—and the one after that.”

There’s a common-sense principle in Luke 14:28–30, where Jesus says:

“For which of you, desiring to build a tower, does not first sit down and count the cost, whether he has enough to complete it?”

The point is clear: wise builders think ahead. And the same applies to relationships.

For Christians, the purpose of dating is ultimately to find a spouse. Not every relationship will end in marriage—some will rightly end in friendship. But if a relationship begins to show real potential, you should be in a position to take the next step and move toward the goal. That means a few things.

First, it means having the self-control necessary to guard the relationship from sexual sin. Second, it means your capacity to marry—to shoulder the spiritual, financial, and relational responsibilities—should be at least in view, even if still a ways off on the horizon.

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Call to Action:
This mindset flows naturally from the first two, but it still demands reflection. Ask yourself—and ask two other men you trust, one your peer and one older—“Do you think I could be ready to be married in 18 months?” Why 18 months? It’s not a magic number, but it’s a useful placeholder. Most virile men who find a woman they want to marry are going to struggle to maintain sexual purity for much longer than that. If marriage is the goal, you shouldn’t be dragging your feet. You should be preparing to move with clarity, confidence, and conviction.

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Learning to Communicate with Women

This may seem nearly paradoxical, but one essential component of finding a wife is learning to enjoy women platonically. In other words, you need to be capable of having an opposite-sex relationship that, while enjoyable, is not romantic.

“Treat younger women as sisters, in all purity.” – 1 Timothy 5:1

You can certainly talk to your sister about all kinds of things—discuss topics, share jokes, and enjoy each other’s company. Of course, there are boundaries in those conversations. Similarly, you can relate to younger women in a comparable way. Paul emphasizes ‘purity’ because there’s an obvious sexual dynamic between men and women, especially in their youth. That’s why you must be intentional about keeping things appropriate.

Unfortunately, many men don’t even know how to have a conversation with a woman without trying to steer it toward a romantic relationship.

One way to become more comfortable around the opposite sex is to simply learn to enjoy their company without trying to turn it into something more. Short conversations are a great way to start. The guys that women often find creepy are the ones who corner them and trap them in conversations with no easy exit. A simple way to engage is to ask something like, “What have you been up to this week?”

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Let me apply some of the mindsets to this:

One of the reasons it’s important to have a sense of where you’re going and taking steps is because you have stuff to talk about. You will be more interesting. You’ll be able to compare and relate. You don’t wanna just have video games as a conversation piece.

Also, that abundance mindset helps because you don’t need to force a conversation with a girl. If it’s not going anywhere. That’s OK. There’ll be more opportunities. Enjoy it for where it went and if it’s stalling out, gracefully bow out.

One rule to live by is that interested is interesting. When you take interest in others, it tends to eventually become reciprocal at some level. Don’t make the conversation about you or just your favorite topics. You can certainly reference yourself and answer questions in return but make sure you don’t get stuck talking about yourself.

In the beginning, it’s fine to just chat briefly and then move on. The main goal is to grow in your ability to talk to the opposite sex purely for enjoyment and fellowship. Don’t feel the need to turn every conversation into something more right away. Just enjoy getting to know people without any pressure.

One of the subtle yet destructive effects of pornography is that it trains the mind to sexualize women by default. Over time, this distorts the ability to engage in normal, non-sexual interactions. When you’ve conditioned your brain to view women primarily as objects for gratification, it becomes incredibly difficult to see them as whole persons—friends, colleagues, sisters, image-bearers of God.

Add this to the long list of reasons to break free from porn: it’s not just about what it does to you in private—it’s about how it rewires your relationships in public.

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Call to Action:
Straight up, start a couple conversations with a few different girls this week.

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Now, let’s say you’ve started going on dates and texting with a girl more consistently. There are two common areas where guys tend to mess up in those early weeks.

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First, they turn dates into job interviews.

On the first or second date, they lay out all their non-negotiables or start asking deep theological questions. It ends up feeling more like an evaluation than a conversation. But think about it—most people find job interviews intimidating and stressful. That’s not the vibe you want to bring into a budding relationship. Those early dates should be more show than tell. Show her who you are by how you carry yourself, what you enjoy, how you treat people—and take note of the same in her. The deeper topics will come up naturally, and when they do, engage them sincerely. But don’t force it.

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Call to Action:
In just a bit, I’ll throw out a few early date ideas to keep things light, fun, and pressure-free.

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Second, guys can come off as needy by over-communicating.

Texting her every morning like clockwork, or replying to her short messages with long, detailed responses—it can be too much, too soon. You may think you’re being thoughtful or invested, but early on, it can come across as needy or anxious. And most women don’t find that attractive, especially from someone they’re still getting to know.

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Call to Action:
Don’t always respond first and fast. Also, cut your intended message in half.

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Alright, let’s think through first dates…

First dates shouldn’t feel like job interviews.

Too many young men show up on date one ready to break out a clipboard. They rattle off their theological convictions, outline their five-year plan, and start testing the girl like she’s applying to be their wife. It’s awkward. It’s forced. And it usually backfires.

Early dates should be more show than tell. Show her who you are by how you carry yourself, how you treat people, what you enjoy. Pay attention to how she carries herself too. The deeper stuff will come up in time—and when it does, engage sincerely. But don’t force it.

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Here are ten solid date ideas to keep things light, natural, and pressure-free:

1. Feed the ducks. Cheap, easy, and oddly effective. Grab a loaf of bread or some seed, head to the park, and let the conversation happen while you’re doing something. It’s relaxed and gets people smiling.

2. Visit a pet store. You’re not getting a dog together. You’re walking around, laughing at ferrets and fish tanks. It’s simple and disarming.

3. Play arcade games. A little competition helps break the ice. Whether it’s skee-ball or old-school Mario Kart, it gives you something to do with your hands while you talk.

4. Bookstore challenge. Walk around, pick out a book you think the other person might like, and explain why. It’s low-stakes but gives you a read on each other’s humor and interests.

5. Walk and ice cream. Not a hike. Not a workout. Just a walk. End it with ice cream. It keeps things moving, gives natural pauses, and ends on a sweet note.

6. Farmers market and picnic. Pick out food together, then find a quiet spot to sit and eat. You’ll learn more about her from how she interacts with vendors and decisions than from an hour of small talk.

7. Mini-golf. Especially at night or glow-in-the-dark. It’s silly, low-pressure, and makes room for a little teasing and banter.

8. Thrift store outfit challenge. Go pick out ridiculous clothes for each other and try them on. You’ll both look dumb. That’s kind of the point. Humor builds connection faster than interrogation.

9. Bowling. You can do it seriously or with bumpers. Try to get the lowest score if she’s not athletic. The goal is fun, not domination.

10. Coffee or a drink. It’s basic, but it works. Keeps it simple and gives you space to actually talk. Don’t underestimate the value of a quiet table and a clear signal that “this is a date.”

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Bottom line:
Don’t try to lock down a life partner in 90 minutes. Let her see what kind of man you are by how you carry yourself. Don’t make her feel like she’s under review. Lead the moment, enjoy the time, and keep it human.

Note: I was under the gun, so some of this was reformatted from my Apple Notes by AI. It’s a little wonky. I’ll edit it later.