Prize, Pursue, or Dance

Rethinking Some Mindsets to Finding a Spouse

I want to tackle two ideas and propose a different framework.

Idea 1: Men are the prize, often stated as “You are the prize.”

Idea 2: Women are to be pursued in the dating or courtship process.

There are ways in which I could agree with the intent behind both of these statements. My goal here is to explain how I’ve seen them go awry and to offer a different approach that combines the best of both.

You are the Prize

It became common in masculinity writing, especially in what was once called the red-pill movement, to tell men they should think of themselves as “the prize” in dating. The idea was to snap men out of the habit of acting like applicants for female approval. In that world, the opposite of this mindset is sometimes called “simping”: begging for attention, overinvesting too early, and treating the relationship like a one-sided selection process where the woman sits above him on a pedestal. If he performs well enough, she might reach down and choose him. The slogan tries to flip that script. No, you are not auditioning. You are choosing too.

At its best, the message pushes men toward discipline and usefulness. Get in shape. Get competent. Put your work and your life in order. Build something that gives you direction. A man with purpose and standards does not need to chase validation because his life already demands something of him. He evaluates the woman as much as she evaluates him. The phrase also tries to restore a sense of leverage. Do not pedestalize women. Do not tolerate disrespect. Do not cling to situations that are clearly going nowhere. Have standards. Be willing to walk away. Do not act like your whole world hinges on whether someone picks you. That is the healthier interpretation. Mutual desire and mutual respect are stronger foundations than one-sided pursuit.

Still, the idea often goes off the rails. Some men take “you are the prize” as license for empty swagger and ego. Relationships become status contests or power games. That produces men who want the rewards of respect without the discipline that earns it. It can turn into manipulation, withholding, and a posture of constant testing rather than straightforward commitment.

The truth underneath all of it is simpler. A serious man is not trying to crown himself the prize. He is trying to become someone worth building a life with and looking for a woman who is doing the same. Mutual respect, shared purpose, and clear standards matter more than slogans. A quality man is a prize. He just is not the prize. There is a massive difference.

You Must Pursue

Among Christians, especially in more conservative courtship circles, there has long been an emphasis on the man’s pursuit of the woman. At its best, this is about the man taking initiative and showing leadership in the relationship. He is willing to act, to take responsibility, and to navigate the obstacles that come with serious intentions, including earning the trust of her family. A man’s willingness to pursue demonstrates steadiness and resolve. It gives a woman reason to believe he is someone she can follow, and it reassures her family that he is a man they can entrust with someone they love. That kind of evaluation is wise. Outside of coming to Christ, marriage is one of the most consequential decisions a person will make, and its effects ripple through generations for good or for harm.

But this emphasis can go off track, and in many ways it has over the past half-century. Pursuit can slide into chasing, and chasing easily becomes desperation. What begins as initiative can turn into pedestalizing, overpursuing, and trying to win someone over at any cost. Just as “you are the prize” can feed ego and manipulation, so can the unspoken demand, “you must chase me.” When that happens, the relationship stops being about mutual discernment and becomes a game of pursuit and withholding, with one side always trying to prove themselves and the other always holding the power.

As a slight aside, there has been a tendency in some circles to recast women as near-angelic beings. They are not. They are human, made in the image of God and fallen as daughters of Adam. Men and women each carry a design that is meant to bless the other. We need both. As a man, I want and need the feminine in my life, and I have been willing to pursue it in the proper sense of the word. But appreciation for the opposite sex must not slide into pedestalizing either men or women. That move does not elevate anyone. It lowers one sex from where God has placed them and distorts the relationship before it even begins.

Once one sex is placed above the other, the dynamic is off from the start. Why would a woman follow a man who has put himself beneath her? Why would a man entrust himself to a woman he treats as something other than a fellow image-bearer with her own strengths and faults? Marriage does not contain a hidden switch that turns a man who has spent years chasing from behind into one who leads from the front. If the relationship begins with imbalance, that imbalance carries forward. Getting this wrong early shapes expectations and authority long after the courtship phase has ended.

Let’s Dance

If you follow my stuff, you know I like dance as a metaphor for marriage. The man leads, but the woman is never passive. She responds to his lead, and her movement shapes his next step. That is how a healthy marriage works. The man carries real responsibility to lead, the woman truly follows, yet the relationship is dynamic. Both have agency. For the dance to be beautiful there has to be mutual awareness and a willingness to yield to one another in the right ways.

In a good marriage there is a functional hierarchy, but it does not feel stiff or mechanical. It feels like a dance. The structure is there, yet what you notice is the rhythm, the timing, the way each anticipates the other. When the relationship is ordered well, the clumsy things drop away. Manipulation, pedestalizing, and power games ruin the choreography, so they have to go. What comes forward instead is a man leading with steadiness and a woman moving with responsiveness, each adjusting in real time. They move across the floor together, not in competition but in step. When they dance well, you do not sit there analyzing who is in charge. You see the harmony. You feel the beauty of the whole. That is maturity. That is the shape of a biblical marriage.

Dating or courtship, whatever you want to call it, is both learning to dance and picking a well-suited dance partner. It can be messy. You are going to step on toes, get out alignment, and at the beginning it can be anything but elegant. But it’s prep for a lifelong dance. So it’s just part of the process.

Men must learn how to lead. A woman and her family should be looking for a man who actually does that. For guys, this shows up in ordinary, practical ways: coming with good ideas for outings, taking initiative in communication, and painting a decent picture of the kind of life they intend to pursue in terms of vocation and family. It does not require theatrics. It requires direction and follow-through.

Women must learn how to follow. A man and his family should be looking for a woman who does that. For gals, this often looks like responding with enthusiasm to his ideas, being warm and responsive in communication, and letting him know whether the future he is describing is one she is interested in. She is not passive, but she is responsive and clear. More could be said, but the point is that this is not one-sided, and neither side needs to act desperate or entitled.

I get the appeal of “prize” and “pursue.” There’s something there. But the dance picture is closer to real life because it shows both order and movement. There’s direction, but there’s also response. The man leads, the woman follows, but neither is passive. When it’s working, it isn’t rigid or awkward. It’s coordinated. You can feel the rhythm.

That also means when it’s not working, you can feel that pretty quickly too, if you’re paying attention. If he won’t lead, or she won’t follow, or the timing is always off, the whole thing feels clunky. You can try to make up for it for a while. Most people do. One starts overcompensating, the other drags their feet, and before long it feels like you’re forcing steps instead of moving together. It becomes effortful in the wrong way.

At some point you have to be honest about that. Two people can respect each other and still not make a good pair. Once it’s clear the rhythm isn’t there, forcing it doesn’t make you virtuous. It just sets you up for a long stretch of frustration and imbalance. Better to say, “We could be a lot of things to each other, but not this,” and step off the floor before it turns into a miserable routine you both feel stuck in.

The goal isn’t to make something work at all costs. The goal is a partnership where leadership and response actually fit together, where the dance has some life to it and both people can move with confidence instead of constantly correcting each other.