Tactics of Manipulative Church Members, Part 1

Grievance Farming (Or, why silence isn’t always innocent)

I’ve written a fair bit about manipulative ministries, especially senior leaders who run them. And I did two podcast episodes on it for Cultish here and here.

Anyhow, it’s common for someone to grow more manipulative as they climb the ranks of leadership. They simply don’t have the character to carry the weight of their influence, and the higher they rise, the more obvious it becomes. But in many cases, the manipulation doesn’t start with the position. It was already there. Leadership just gives it a longer reach.

And just like there are manipulative ministers, there are also manipulative members.

After that article and podcast episodes went out, I got flooded with messages from people sharing stories about manipulative pastors. Some of the names I recognized, and I agreed with the assessment. I had seen it firsthand. But other names I knew as well, and I disagreed just as strongly. So I listened. I asked questions.

And what became clear, though it shouldn’t surprise anyone, is this: yes, there are pastors who abuse their authority. That’s real. But there are also church members who call any use of authority abusive.

Not every confrontation is spiritual abuse.

Not every boundary is controlling.

Not every “no” is toxic.

As I kept listening, I started to see patterns. Certain members consistently used the language of “harm” or “abuse” to avoid accountability, shift blame, or steer the direction of the church through emotional pressure. They didn’t want healthy leadership. They wanted control themselves.

So I decided to write down some of the tendencies I’ve seen to help us stay clear-eyed about our own hearts. Some wolves stand behind pulpits. Some just sit quietly in the pew...well, for a time.

Tactic One:

Grievance Farming (Or, why silence isn’t always innocent)

One of the clearest marks of a manipulative church member is their refusal to be transparent. They don’t confront. They don’t confess. They collect.

They keep a running list of grievances—some petty, some serious—but all unspoken, unresolved, and quietly festering. These issues go back months, even years. And rather than deal with them directly, they bury them. Until it suits them to bring them out.

Now, if someone’s visibly offended—cold shoulder, curt replies, general avoidance—you at least have something to go on. But manipulators are different. They’ll flatter you to your face, praise your sermons, laugh at your jokes, and thank you for your “faithful leadership”—all while resenting you in private. Their bitterness is dressed in pleasantries.

Every so often, they’ll let something slip. A vague reference. A subtle jab. A roundabout comment about something “that’s been hard.” But when pressed for clarity, they wave it off. “It’s nothing.” “Just a little thing.” They want you to just get it—to read between the lines and extract the grievance for them. But even that’s rare. Most of the time, they never say a word to the elders. They say it to other members. Quietly. Selectively. Strategically.

That’s what my associate pastor perfectly labeled grievance farming. It’s exactly that. Planting seeds of discontent in the congregation, hoping for a crop of sympathy and support.

Then, out of nowhere, comes the exit.

“We’ve decided to leave the church.”

“Oh? Why?”

Then comes The Email—three pages of grievances, accusations, and deeply personal disappointments, most of which you’re reading for the first time. Others are twisted versions of reality. All have been mulled over in isolation and seasoned with suspicion.

And when you ask, “Why didn’t you ever bring any of this up?” the answer is almost always the same:

“I knew you wouldn’t listen.”

That’s not honesty. That’s manipulation.

It’s a way to cast themselves as the unheard prophet and you as the hardened tyrant—without ever giving you the chance to listen, explain, or correct. It's a one-sided story, polished in silence and presented after the point of no return.

Now, to be fair, sometimes leaders really don’t listen. Sometimes people do try to speak up and get ignored, brushed off, or mishandled. That’s real. It happens. But manipulators hide behind that reality to excuse their own cowardice. They assume bad faith so they don’t have to act in good faith. They use imagined outcomes to justify silence, then turn that silence into a weapon when it suits them most.

This is why clarity, accountability, and biblical process matter. Without them, the weeds grow. And sooner or later, someone starts harvesting.

The right approach is straightforward. As Jesus said, “If your brother sins against you, go and tell him his fault, between you and him alone.” You have to speak directly. You have to make the issue and its seriousness unmistakably clear. That’s the first step toward resolution. Everything else is just dodging.