Tactics of Manipulative Church Members, Part 3

The Insider (Or Reverse Ambassador) Tactic

The next tactic of a manipulative member I’ll call the Insider. It’s similar to the Ambassador tactic—but in reverse. Instead of claiming to represent some vague, possibly imaginary group within the congregation, the Insider positions themselves as your unofficial representative. They cozy up to you, aligning themselves with your perspective, defending your decisions, offering a listening ear, and becoming a shoulder to lean on. Maybe they’re younger and tell you you’re like a father to them. Or maybe you’re younger, and they cast themselves as a wise Yoda to your Luke Skywalker.

Either way, their goal is to create a sense of closeness. And in the lonely, sometimes thankless work of ministry, you might be foolish enough to let the relationship progress too quickly. You begin to share your hopes, your frustrations, your concerns. And that insider information becomes their leverage.

At its heart, this tactic is about power, influence, and control. The Insider uses the relationship—and the trust that comes with it—to inch their way into an unofficial or, God forbid, official position of leadership. Just as the Ambassador says, “I hear ‘people’ are saying…,” the Insider whispers to others, “I hear the leadership is planning to do XYZ.”

More often than not, if you’re like most pastors, you were probably just thinking out loud with someone who seemed like a kindred spirit. The things you shared were rough sketches—half-formed ideas at best. Or maybe you were foolish enough to say things you really shouldn’t have said. If that’s the case, well—that’s going to cost you. It’s why Proverbs 13:3 says, “Whoever guards his mouth preserves his life; he who opens wide his lips comes to ruin.”

Either way, the Insider gains serious influence when they start dropping hints about things “they heard were being discussed,” and then—sure enough—those things actually happen. Suddenly, they look like someone with access. People start to think, Well, if the elders trust him that much, maybe I should too.

Now, let’s be clear—there are some genuinely awesome people out there who just want to help. They don’t want anything from you. They’re simply there to support you. I thank God for the members of my last several churches. It’s only natural for people to want to know and spend time with their pastors. Embrace it. It’s one of the great gifts of ministry. You can’t live your life always suspicious, constantly looking over your shoulder. But you also can’t walk around with your head buried six inches in the sand.

One way to tell the difference is this: pay attention to how they handle the relationship. Are they using the information you’ve shared—or the closeness they have with you—in an inappropriate way? This is something that emerges over time. It’s a pattern of behavior.

A dead giveaway is when someone starts referencing private conversations you’ve had with them in ways that suggest they know more than they should—or worse, they do it publicly.

Example: You’re in a group setting, maybe a Bible study or a casual post-service conversation, and they say something like, “Well, I know the elders are leaning toward [X], so I imagine that’s where things are headed.” No one else knew that. And you realize: they only know that because you said it while venting, not making a decision.

Another red flag is when they speak on your behalf without your permission. They might say, “I think what Pastor really meant was…” or “Trust me, I’ve talked with him—he’s not going to let that happen.” Suddenly, they’ve positioned themselves as your mouthpiece. But you never asked them to do that.

Also watch how they treat access. If they bring up their closeness to you in conversation—“I was just talking to Pastor about that the other day…”—especially around people they’re trying to influence, they’re likely using you to build their own credibility.

Remember this is about a pattern of behavior, not one occurrence.

Insiders don’t ask, “How can I help you shoulder the burden?” They ask, “What do I need to say or do to stay in the loop?”

That’s the difference.

Once you spot that red flag, you’ll be rightly tempted to pull back—and that’s probably the right move. But if they really are the Insider, they won’t take it well. They’ll start getting clingy, dramatic, maybe even desperate. And if you actually cut them off, well… that’s when they sometimes turn into the metaphorical crazy ex who kills your family pets. There is a reason Proverbs 25:19 warns, “Trusting in a treacherous man in time of trouble is like a bad tooth or a foot that slips."

In other words, they’ll take all that insider information—the stuff you shared in confidence—and try to weaponize it against you.

Breaking off relationships with these kinds of people can be dangerous. They don’t care about you or the church—they care about control. And when they lose it, they’ll sometimes go nuclear. If they can’t have influence, they’ll try to burn the whole thing down. At least then, they get to play the role of the flaming martyr who “stood up to the tyrant.” It’ll be a mess.

But you can’t be a kept man. If you’ve let someone in too far, you need to own it. Start by confessing your indiscretions to your fellow leaders—repent of your foolishness. That might not fix everything, but it’s where you begin. The truth is, this kind of manipulator could’ve been hobbled by a little more discretion on your part. They may have weaponized your words—but they were still your words. That’s on you.

The better path is to be slow and cautious when building close relationships with members. Yes, as a pastor, you need people you can process things with. You carry burdens most can’t see. You need a place to open up the inner chambers of your heart. But remember—not everyone is ready to see how the sausage is made. Some are young or inexperienced. They hold idealistic views that haven’t yet been tempered by the grind of actual leadership.

That’s why you need a few wise pastor friends outside your congregation—men who’ve been through the fire and know what it’s like. Men who get it because they’ve done it.

And if you suspect someone inside your church might be playing the Insider role, here’s a simple test: stop giving them access. Don’t feed them the details they seem to crave. If they’re that type, starving them for six months will usually flush them out. They’ll lose interest and go looking for another place to sink their hooks. If they stay just as cheerful or supportive, thank God for them. They are just godly member of your flock trying to be helpful.