Tactics of Manipulative Members, Part 6
The Quarantiner
There’s a particular kind of manipulative church member I call the Quarantiner.
This type shares traits with other manipulative behaviors I’ve mentioned, but today I want to zoom in on their deep aversion to group settings when discussing “concerns.” The Quarantiner prefers one-on-one conversations, always. Not because the issue demands it, but because isolation gives them control.
When it’s just one-on-one, it’s one person’s word against the other. No witnesses. That’s when it gets easy to gaslight, twist the story, or shift the blame. It’s also when it gets hard to see the bigger pattern. Half-truths start to surface—not all at once, but scattered. A concern here, a comment there. And when those same lines get shared quietly from person to person, never out in the open, they start to feel true. Not because they’ve been tested, but because they’ve been repeated. Whispered long enough, and the rumor starts to feel like reality.
Yes, Matthew 18 starts with one person going to another. But that applies to a personal offense between two individuals. That’s very different than what the Quarantiner does—going to others about a third party with whom they have an issue. It’s even worse when they go one-by-one to multiple people, building support for their version of events without allowing those people to compare notes or ask follow-ups together.
Eventually, this version of the story leaks back to the pastors or elders—but only in fragments. And when the leadership confronts the issue, the Quarantiner can easily claim:
• “You misunderstood me.”
• “I don’t know how that got twisted.”
• Or worse: “Maybe they’re scared of you, Pastor. Ever thought of that? Maybe you’re the problem.”
It’s a clever trap, especially if the leader is already exhausted or insecure.
So how do you cut through the fog?
Get the people who’ve been spoken to in a room together with the Quarantiner. Ask clarifying questions. Watch what happens.
If the person is simply immature or bad at communicating, that will become obvious.
If the person harbors ill will, that too will become clear.
If they are as manipulative as suspected, they’ll probably refuse to meet at all. They’ll say it’s “not safe,” or accuse you of being controlling. But what they’re really avoiding is accountability.
Ironically, some pastors fall into a reverse version of this. They’ll refuse to meet with a church member if that member wants to bring a witness. That too is a red flag. Accountability and transparency are intertwined. Someone trying to avoid accountability will almost always fight hard against transparency.
In the end, manipulation is a real tactic, but it’s also a favored accusation of manipulators. It’s all too easy to speak past one another. So yes, we must look at outcomes, but also examine motives.
Such is the world we live in.