The Importance of Sexual Dissimilarity
Polarity is a key drive in both attraction and arousal.
Hence, it’s our sexual dissimilarity that draws us to each other.
But it’s not just mere biological dissimilarity that draws us. There is an otherness at play well.
They aren’t you.
They are different in aspects of their personality, desires, gifting, and history. These differences are a big part of what makes them attractive and interesting to you. They are foreign and mysterious to you. They intrigue precisely because of their otherness.
It’s something like opposites attract.
Perhaps, it’s slightly better stated as individuals attract.
Part of the thrill of sex is two opposites merging together, becoming as if one flesh.
After the sex act reaches its climax, it’s common for the two to want to reestablish their individuality. It may be something as simple as rolling over to their side of their bed, even if just for a moment before reengaging through cuddling.
The point is that otherness is key to the connection and therefore it must be preserved for the intensity of attraction to remain.
Here’s the tricky thing about marriage. The longer you are married, the more you come to have in common. The longer you are married, the less there is to discover. You know each other’s jokes and stories. You even tell each other’s jokes and stories. In a nutshell, your spouse’s otherness declines and you two become more and more alike.
While this commonality does breed a sense of safety and closeness, it can begin to undermine the otherness which is at the core of attraction.
This is why spouses who truly love each other can have a very tame or even nearly nonexistent sex life. And that’s why doing something new or different or risky can momentarily spice up such a relationship. Momentarily.
This all has me thinking about the importance of individuality and how it might apply to the overall relationship and not just the erotic aspects.
Marriages, to be healthy, need to maintain a sort of tension caused by the otherness of the two individuals. If it collapses into a sameness, it will lead to deepening levels of dissatisfaction and an eventual and potentially tumultuous reasserting of one’s individuality.
Two spouses become one in the overall mission which is expressed in the sex act and its natural fruit, a child made up of two people's DNA.
But they are to remain individuals. And the growth of their particular interests, desires, overall individuality ought not be entirely absorbed by the marriage relationship.
His maleness and her femaleness need to continue to grow and mature in new ways. And, yes, those new ways need to feed into the overall mission of the household/marriage and not away from it. It’s “the one and many” expressed in the marriage relationship.