Negative World & the Relationship Marketplace

I saw these charts a while back and scratched out some thoughts...

Around ’10 or ’11, I noticed a significant shift in “the relationship marketplace.” I can sum up this shift with two trends I saw in my church circles.

First, I noticed that many (not all) average to above-average Christian men in overall quality (e.g. health, looks, ambition, etc) were struggling to get a girlfriend. At first, I thought these guys were just being too picky or had some other major deficiency. After all, there are a lot of lazy foolish men out there. This wasn’t the case with these men. They weren’t the top 1%. But they were quality and had very reasonable (perhaps too low) standards for a girlfriend.

Second, I noticed that many (not all) very average to below average Christian women (btw, I know me suggesting that such a thing exists is triggering to a lot of you but c’mon) in overall quality (e.g. beauty, personality, temperament, etc) had a fear of a committed relationship and were extremely picky. They would often complain that there weren’t any good men. But there were good men. They just thought those men were below them. They weren’t. The arrogance and pride of these women were shocking to me.

I ran my concerns past a boomer pastor. He dismissed it. He thought all the women were just great and men needed to step up to win them. Man up and all that. That was the moment I realized that there was some form of generational blindness related to what is happening to younger men and women.

And that’s why I started tracking trends in sexuality not just generally but specifically as they related to dating (aka the relationship marketplace).

Now let me point out two particularly concerning trends that overturn older assumptions about the relationship marketplace.

1. More and more women today are delaying marriage into their 30s. They, however, aren't delaying sex. Very few of these unmarried women are virgins when they turn 30. Stats vary but it's below 10% and perhaps closer to 5%. Moreover, these women have multiple sexual partners. It's difficult to calculate the number but a survey of the material points toward between 7-14 sexual partners before getting married right around 30. Others say that is a low number. Regardless, the consequences of this are hard to overstate. This sort of sexual promiscuity has intense negative emotional, spiritual, and even physical consequences in the lives of these women. 

Also, it means that a large number of these women are using hormonal birth control and having abortions. Why are women doing this? I think it is tied directly to social media which normalizes deviant behavior and promotes vanity in women. I'm speaking in generalities of course. But I think this is what is going on.

This is deeper into the church than most realize. Yes, even reformed home-school sort of churches.

Whenever I point out the disturbing trend of widespread female promiscuity, someone chimes in "Well, sex takes two." True but that doesn't mean what you think it means…

2. As you see in the chart below, male virginity between ages 18 to 30 has increased 20% since '89. That's good, right? No. It's very doubtful that this increase in virginity is directly connected to an increase in morality among men. I think that a couple of things are driving it. 

First, I think a lot of guys have "failed to launch" due to absent fathers and digital substitutes of the objects of male desire (e.g. video games instead of vocation, porn instead of actual sex, etc).

Second, I think many men don't live up to the ridiculous standards of younger modern women. So they enter the relationship marketplace, buy a bunch of girls a bunch of meals, get nowhere, and give up. So who are these women having sex with? Well, there appear to be men who are considered "top-tier guys" by women who are having a lot of casual sex with a lot of women. Messed up, I know. Again, I'm speaking in generalities of course. But I think this is what is going on.

This is terrible for society. The key driver to building and protecting a free society is having a familial stake in it.

Let me be clear, I'm not saying that these trends are equally present in Christian circles but they are bleeding over at a disturbing rate.

What is a Christian parent to do?

Here are a few things to consider...
1. Keep your children off social media as long as possible, especially your daughters.

2. Delay getting your children’s cell phones as long as possible. We use Gabb Wireless' app-less smartphone for our eldest.

3. Get your children involved in real-world skill-building activities (e.g. sports, 4H, job, etc) as soon as possible. This goes double for your sons. Keep them busy and it'll naturally decrease the time available and desire for gaming. Video games in moderation are fine. But they are designed these days by “attention engineers” to hold attention. So be careful.

4. Network with other solid Christian families and communities. 58% of people meet their spouse through the network of friends. I don’t think this means formalized family camps, etc. I think more of informal casual “networks.”

5. Build a love for family and legacy in your kids through words and action.

A postscript…

Undue delay of marriage by someone without a gift celibacy was rightly considered a sin by the Westminster Divines. This doesn’t equal getting married young. It means getting married when you possess the maturity, ability, and opportunity to do so.

Pressuring young marriages without those three components will result in young divorces. I tell my children that I want them to be able to marry by 20. Note “be able.” That means mature spiritually and able practically. I want them to be able to act on a good opportunity (i.e. a good match) and not miss out.