The Work of Fatherhood is Its Own Reward

The following are my unedited notes from a conference session I gave this past Saturday. I received several requests for them, so I decided to publish them for everyone. I pray they are a blessing.

Our text is a single verse, Ephesians 6:4. 

“Fathers, do not provoke your children to anger, but bring them up in the discipline and instruction of the Lord.”

This morning, we will look at the work of fatherhood. 

Being a dad is a lot of work. It’s hard work but good work. 

Proverbs 12:14 says, “From the fruit of his mouth a man is satisfied with good, and the work of a man's hand comes back to him.”

Commenting on this verse, Matthew Henry says that it teaches us “that good works…will be abundantly rewarded: The reward of a man's hands for all his work and labour of love, all he has done for the glory of God and the good of his generation, shall be returned unto him, and he shall reap as he has sown.”

From this proverb, we get our saying that work is its own reward. As we give ourselves to the work of fatherhood, by God’s design, fatherhood gives back to us. It rewards us with sanctification and spiritual growth. It matures us. It makes wise. It makes holy. 

It toughens our skin and softens our heart. It makes us into men of God. So, the work of fatherhood is its own reward. 

Fatherhood is the center of God’s design for the world. 

Ephesians 3:14-15 says, “For this reason I bow my knees before the Father, from whom every family in heaven and on earth is named…” 

The ESV translations notes says the verse can also be render as:

“For this reason I bow my knees before the Father, from whom all fatherhood in heaven and on earth is named…” 

That brings an important truth into focus:

Earthly fathers represent the Heavenly Father to the world, especially the members of their own household. That’s our good work, brothers. 

J.W. Alexander once said:

There is no member of a household whose individual piety is of such importance to all the rest as the father or head. And there is no one whose soul is so directly influenced by the exercise of domestic worship. Where the head of a family is lukewarm or worldly, he will send the chill through the whole house.

We are the thermostats in the home. We have a unique ability to set the spiritual temperature in our families. 

Five years ago, we moved back home from South Carolina to Ohio. We used the move as a hard reboot for our lives. Our first goal was to fix our finances. I was working long hours, probably 60 hours a week, and I accepted lots of speaking gigs. During this period, I was up in the Catskill Mountains, teaching how to be good husbands and fathers at a men’s retreat. My wife texted me, “We need to talk.” I called her back, and she said, “You need to talk to your son.” When she’s mad, it's always your son, not our son. So, I knew I was walking into some sort of mess.

My son told me, “Dad, I don’t believe there is a God.” I was shocked. I asked why, and we talked for a bit. I slipped into apologist mode, rehearsing the various arguments for God. Then it hit me: this kid isn’t even 10. This isn’t intellectual; it’s social. There was a reason this was happening when I was away. I had been away a lot. This was about me failing to reflect the attentiveness and love of God the Father. The argument for God he needed was me being a dad. I said, “Son, I love you. Let’s hang out more when I get home and talk this out.” I started bringing him with me to my co-working office on Fridays. As we spent more time together, the doubt melted away. These days, he is my most outspoken son when it comes to apologetics.

He didn’t need abstract proofs. He needed me.

This is the power of fatherhood. 

The presence of a benevolent, godly father is one of the greatest gifts a child can receive. 

A godly father is a sermon that preaches the truth about God the Father day in and day out.

In this way, a close and loving relationship with a godly father prepares his children for the glorious truth of the gospel: that children of the devil can become children of God the Father through the blood of God the Son.

Conversely, the absence of godly fatherhood is a pain that echoes throughout a person’s life.

There is a unique hunger in the soul of the fatherless, which often shows itself in one of two ways.

First, there is the absent father—one who is not physically present in the home or the life of his children. This absence might be due to death, abandonment, or circumstances beyond the father’s control, such as unjust divorce or family court rulings that rip the child from the father's influence. 

In any case, he is not there, represented only by an empty chair at the dinner table. Instead of a sweet sermon, his absence becomes a chilling silence that can lead one to question the reality of loving fatherhood, including the fatherhood of God.

Second, a father can be physically present yet mentally checked out—what we might call an "abdicating father." Consider the synonyms for abdicate: resign, surrender, vacate, stand down, step down, or bow out. An abdicating father is technically there, but he's not truly present. He is distracted and disengaged. His chair at the dinner table may not be empty, but it carries a different kind of silence, one that is just as chilling.

Which brings us back to our text…

“Fathers, do not provoke your children to anger, but bring them up in the discipline and instruction of the Lord.”

This is the work of fatherhood. This is your calling, brothers. This is what your family needs more than anything. It is a high calling and a position of great power. You are men of influence.

I believe, “As the father goes, so goes the household. As the household goes, so goes society.”

I believe the greatest need of our day is for godly, present fathers. If there is a revival of fatherhood, there will be a reformation in our society.

If our fathers are strong, our homes will be strong. Churches with strong homes don’t need to create all sorts of programs. Dad is already disciplining and discipling his children. Generally speaking, God blesses this effort with the result of godly, obedient children and cheerful, happy wives.

A lot of the time (though not always), church programs are attempts to address the needs of weak homes. While they can be helpful supplements, they are poor substitutes. You aren’t easily replaced.

A.W. Pink says of this verse:

It is to be noted that the ‘fathers’ are here specifically addressed, and this for two reasons: (1) because they are the heads of their families, and their government is especially committed to them; and (2) because they are prone to transfer this duty to their wives.

This duty falls to us, men.

It’s not the responsibility of the church or the state to bring up your children in the discipline and instruction of the Lord. That responsibility falls chiefly on us.

Yes, your wife plays an essential role in raising your children. Mothers have their own special power and influence. But you cannot transfer this duty to her through absence or abdication. You are the one who must lead the way.

Now, how do we lead the way? Our text gives us both a "don’t" and a "do."

First, "Fathers, do not provoke your children to anger," or as several other translations put it, "Fathers, do not exasperate your children."

The Greek word for "exasperate" means to rouse someone to anger or to provoke in a way that "really pushes someone's buttons." The old Webster’s Dictionary defines it as “to anger; to irritate to a high degree; to provoke to rage.”

In Colossians 3:21, we find the same command, but with an added rationale: “Fathers, do not provoke your children, lest they become discouraged.” 

The NIV translates this verse as, “Fathers, do not embitter your children, or they will become discouraged.”

There is a type of exasperating fatherhood that fills children with rage and bitterness. Sometimes this anger is right on the surface: you see it in a wild child given to angry fits or a defiant child who disobeys authority and is unkind to others. 

Other times, it resides beneath the surface: you see it in depressive, repressed children or in children weighed down by fears and compulsions.

It takes many forms, but all are manifestations of discouragement.

John Calvin writes:

Kind and liberal treatment has rather a tendency to cherish reverence for their parents, and to increase the cheerfulness and activity of their obedience, while a harsh and unkind manner rouses them to be obstinate and destroys the natural affections.

It is natural for your child to love you and desire your approval. But if you deny them this approval over and over again, you will embitter them and lose their hearts.

So, don’t be that kind of father.

You want to do your job well. There are wrong ways to go about the work of fatherhood.

First, don’t be an exacting father. This is the type of man who demands from his child more than they can give, expecting perfection beyond their capabilities. 

Yes, we should encourage our children toward excellence, but we must also remember they are children, and like all of us, they are fallen and have their limitations. Remember the frailty of their frame. 

Demanding perfection is not only discouraging but also embittering. Reflect on the great mercy and grace of God. Consider how patient He is with us. As Psalm 86:15 says, "But You, O Lord, are a God merciful and gracious, slow to anger and abundant in lovingkindness and truth.”

God’s patience is vast; His anger is slow. As 2 Timothy 2:23-25 advises:

"And the Lord's servant must not be quarrelsome but kind to everyone, able to teach, patiently enduring evil, correcting his opponents with gentleness. God may perhaps grant them repentance leading to a knowledge of the truth..."

What is true of pastors is also true of fathers. A quarrelsome, exacting father will nitpick a child until they become a shell of themselves, draining them of all courage.

Men, reflect on God’s patient love toward you. Let 1 Peter 4:8 guide your fathering: “Above all, love each other deeply, because love covers over a multitude of sins.”

Second, don’t be a fault-finding father. Fault-finding involves constant, often trivial criticism. It’s similar to being exacting, but I mention it separately because some fathers seem to compete with their children. They try to elevate themselves as perfect examples of righteousness by continually pointing out every shortcoming in their children.

This is the way of the deluded legalist and Pharisee. It will drain the life out of your children.

Instead, train yourself to celebrate your children’s victories, even the small ones. Be quick to confess your sins. If your children see you acknowledging your own faults, they will learn to do the same in their own lives. Teach them that all of life is repentance, and you will never regret humility.

Third, don’t be a fickle father. God is constant and consistent; He is unchanging in His ways, attributes, and requirements. While we aren’t God, He is our example.

Some men are always changing. They jump from church to church, shift their theological positions, and alter their expectations and house rules. Kids can’t keep up with who these fathers are or what is expected of them, which can be deeply discouraging. 

In terms of household rules, keep them as simple as possible. 

Something like, “Do your assigned work, respect your mom, and fear God.” What’s not covered in that? We want to teach our children how to apply principles to life. 

Also, it’s easier to be consistent when you keep it simple. The work of fatherhood is hard enough. No need to make it hard

Have a few principles, make sure that the kids understand them, and then consistently call them to apply them and enforce them.

…which brings me to the fourth point: don’t be a permissive father. Children need guidance and accountability. What you allow is what will continue. It will also worsen and spread to other areas of their lives. A lazy home will turn into laziness at work or school. Disrespectful at home will turn into disrespectful everywhere else. Your children need your authoritative leadership. You can exercise authority without being exacting, fault-finding, or fickle. Don’t permit disobedience in your home. Keep principles simple, but keep them.

Lastly, don’t be an angry father. 

Everyone gets angry. Yes, not all anger is sin but that’s not what I’m talking about. Men, women, old, and young all have been guilty of sinful anger. It’s a shared experience the cuts across every culture, time, and life stage. That being said, sinful anger is an especially male problem. This is, in part, due to the fact males have more testosterone than women. Higher levels of “T” is associated with higher levels of aggression. Also, testosterone levels spike in men when they are faced with some sort of challenge. This is why men tend to react to difficult situations with aggression and that aggression can often take the form of sinful anger. 

We don’t need neuroscience to know this. It should be common sense. But we live in stupid times. 

Nonetheless, we see Scripture knows that sinful anger and wrath is a male problem. 

In the sex-specific commands of 1 Timothy 2, Paul says, “…I want the men in every place to pray, lifting up holy hands, without wrath and dissension.” Men are more aggressive on whole. 

So, it’s not surprising that Paul commands men to put aside wrath and dissension. We also see something like this in the Ephesian household codes. Paul says, “Fathers, do not provoke your children to anger, but bring them up in the discipline and instruction of the Lord” (6:4). Sin gives way to sin and sinful anger gives way to sinful anger (Rom 6:19). Again, angry fathers will result in angry children, although sometimes that angry child simmers under an outwardly repressed shell. 

Note that in Eph 6:4 “provoking your children to anger” is contrasted with “bring them up in the discipline and instruction of the Lord.” That is purposeful. James 1:20 teaches us “for the anger of man does not achieve the righteousness of God.” An angry man cannot bring up children in the discipline and instruction of the Lord. It is as Christ said, “A pupil is not above his teacher; but everyone, after he has been fully trained, will be like his teacher.” Fathers reproduce themselves in their children.

The angry father’s children may become godly adult Christians but it will be despite his angry way. That is why it’s so important that a father embodies Proverbs 16:32: 

He who is slow to anger is better than the mighty,

And he who rules his spirit, than he who captures a city.

A father who rules his own spirit well will give his children the gift of emotional stability.

He will not be easily pulled into participating in their emotional outbursts. Quite the opposite, he will pull them into his calm and controlled emotional state. When his son raises his voice or strikes a disrespectful tone, he will not match and exceed it will a louder voice and even more intense tone. Doing so would make his angry son the emotional leader in that interaction. Fathers must be the emotional leader. It is by his cool head in hot disputes he teaches his children to discipline and control their emotions.

Now, let’s look at the do in this verse. 

“…but bring them up in the discipline and instruction of the Lord.”

We are called to discipline and instruct our children in the Lord. That’s the central work of a father.

Calvin points out that the Greek phrase translated “bring them up in” means to “let them be fondly cherished.” He says, “[it] unquestionably conveys the idea of gentleness and forbearance.”

First and foremost, a father’s discipline must be benevolent. He must be a gentle man who cherishes his children. This is a long quote from JC Ryle, but it’s so powerful I want to read it:

Nothing will compensate for the absence of this tenderness and love!

A minister may speak the truth as it is in Jesus, clearly, forcibly, and unanswerably; but if he does not speak it in love, few souls will be won.

Just so you must set before your children their duty—command, threaten, punish, reason—but if affection be lacking in your treatment, your labor will be all in vain

Love is one grand secret of successful training!

Anger and harshness may frighten, but they will not persuade the child that you are right; and if he sees you often out of temper, you will soon cease to have his respect.

Try hard to keep a hold on your child's affections.

It is a dangerous thing to make your children afraid of you. Anything is almost better than reserve and constraint between your child and yourself; and this will come in with fear.

Fear puts an end to openness of manner—fear leads to concealment—fear sows the seed of much hypocrisy and leads to many a lie.

There is a mine of truth in the Apostle's words to the Colossians—"Fathers, provoke not your children to anger, lest they be discouraged" (Col. 3:21). Let not the advice it contains be overlooked.

Men, cultivate this love for your children. Hug them. Praise them. 

Tell your daughters they are beautiful. Praise your sons for a job well done, especially those requiring toughness or strength. If you see them doing something good and productive, throw gas on fire. A little of positive reinforcement goes a long way. 

If you want courageous children, you’ll need to be an encourager…which means to give them courage. 

To paraphrase John Calvin…

To protect them from the common problem of overindulgence, Paul tightens his earlier advice and emphasizes the importance of instruction and discipline from the Lord. God doesn’t want parents to show so much kindness that they end up spoiling and corrupting their children. Instead, parents should be both gentle and thoughtful in their approach, guiding their children to respect and fear the Lord while also correcting them when they go off course.

Discipline is not just about punishment in the modern sense, which focuses solely on retribution. Biblical discipline, on the other hand, is both corrective and formative. Its purpose is to realign children with the teachings of the Word of God.

That’s why it’s crucial to discipline and instruct them in the Lord. We must actively guide our children and disciple them in the Word.

One best picture of what biblical discipleship looks like is found in Deuteronmy 6:4-8.

Hear, O Israel: The Lord our God, the Lord is one. Love the Lord your God with all your heart and with all your soul and with all your strength. These commandments that I give you today are to be on your hearts. Impress them on your children. Talk about them when you sit at home and when you walk along the road, when you lie down and when you get up. Tie them as symbols on your hands and bind them on your foreheads. Write them on the doorframes of your houses and on your gates.

It’s a total life discipleship.

It involves your example. You are to live out your faith in front of your children. 

Teaching, according to biblical principles, involves both instruction and example. Instruction provides meaning to our example, while our example, if not hypocritical, lends credibility to our instruction. If we solely lead by example, we leave those under our care to draw their conclusions about our motives. Conversely, if we only provide instruction, we undermine the power of our teaching with the reality of our actions.

This is why Paul says, "The things you have learned and received and heard and seen in me, practice these things, and the God of peace will be with you."

Paul, like Christ, proclaims and demonstrates the truth of God. Christians are meant to both hear and put into practice. It is easier to follow what we hear when we are guided by godly examples. We want them to see these realities in us.

In 1 Corinthians 4, Paul says:

For if you were to have countless tutors in Christ, yet you would not have many fathers, for in Christ Jesus I became your father through the gospel. Therefore I urge you, be imitators of me.

Children naturally imitate their fathers. This is the framework through which Paul views Christian discipleship. It is not solely confined to classroom instruction; rather, it encompasses life-on-life interaction and living together, with a central focus on the public teaching of the Word.

If you find yourself dissatisfied with the behavior and attitude of those under your care, it is important to first consider whether these issues stem from you setting a poor example.

This principle applies to pastors, parents, and leaders of all kinds. While it may not always be the case, it is often true that those under your leadership simply reflect your own example. If this is indeed the case, you can guide them towards repentance by first repenting of any ungodly behavior and attitudes within yourself.

Be what you are calling your children to be. A bad example will undo good teaching. 

With that being said, the word “instruction” means verbal instruction. It literally means “to place before the mind.” You must actually teach kids with words. You must educate them. This should happen both formally and informally.

My advice on formal discipleship is to put all your effort into establishing a steady rhythm of family devotions. They don’t need to be long or complicated. It’s not hard. Pick a book of the Bible, read a short passage from it, and ask, “What stood out to you?” Discuss it for a few moments, then share an observation or two. Pray and dismiss. Can you add a Psalm or hymn? Sure. Add whatever you want. Just don’t make it a drag, and stay consistent. It’s the consistency that matters most.

Informal discipleship is just as necessary as formal discipleship. Think of Jesus’s approach to discipleship: He discipled along the road. Everyday life is full of discipleship opportunities.

After you see a movie, talk about it. How did the movie tell the truth? How did it lie? If you see an ambulance with its sirens flashing, stop and pray for the people. Little moments like this add up over time. They teach your children how to interact wisely with the world around them.

I have a lot of kids. The only way I can have one-on-one time with them is to include them in my various errands. For example, I used to run an online store that sold comics, toys, and books. I would bring my oldest son along whenever I went to flea markets or conventions to network and potentially purchase inventory. Afterward, I’d always ask him why I said what I said or why I made or didn’t make an offer. This gave me an opportunity to teach him about relationship building, negotiations, and profit margins. Use your life to disciple your kids along the way. It doesn’t need to be flashy, but it does need to be consistent.

Fatherhood is the work of a lifetime. It’s a great privilege and reward. Remember, God works through fallen men to do great things. Your children don’t need a perfect dad; they need an honest Christian dad who loves God. As you give yourself to godly fatherhood, God will add back to you more than you can ever imagine.