Thoughts on Courting and Dating Part 1

I’m not an advocate for the courtship model, but I’m also not against it. I believe that most communities lack the social circumstances necessary for the courtship model to be effectively applied. Let me explain.

The courtship model is exceedingly difficult when:

1. Many families are broken.

2. Fathers are absent (either in reality or functionally).

3. Parents have ungodly goals for their children.

4. Delayed maturation has greatly reduced the availability of good spousal candidates.

This fourth issue makes early marriage challenging. You either have to choose from the available candidates or delay marriage until you find a more suitable one.

The rarity of candidates is further complicated if you are looking for a spouse who holds to a specific theological view. For example, I know many people who wouldn’t marry a person who differs on the timing and mode of baptism. Such a decision is left to the free of the individual, but it will shrink an already small pool of qualified candidates. As a result, even those pursuing marriage at a young age may end up marrying much later than expected.

Consequently, both men and women—even those who advocate for marrying as soon as possible—rarely enter into relationships for marriage as teenagers. They are typically in their 20s, with cars, careers, and even their own apartments or houses, enjoying a significant amount of freedom. Many singles, whether men or women, do not live in the same community as their parents. As a result, the intentional oversight and heavy parental involvement that are typical of courtship are difficult to pull off in these sort of situations.

There is a strange disconnect from reality regarding this topic among Christians. Many envision teenagers getting to know each other on the front porch swing of their parents’ house, where they still live. While this still occurs, it’s no longer the norm. Some may argue, “Well, it should be the norm.” Fair enough, but the fact remains that it isn’t.

I’m not opposed to individuals and communities striving to create an environment where courtship can more easily take place. And if your community is conducive to courtship, that’s great! As a pastor, my main concern is helping singles navigate their current situations. For most, the courtship model is simply not workable.

What do I advocate for? I’ll post on that tomorrow.

Painting: Leon Moran, The Courtship