Little Traditions for Big Families

As you all know, we have a large family, and it takes effort to give individual attention to each kid. There are, of course, the weekly rhythms where you try to have a one-on-one conversation about what they’re building with their Legos, how gymnastics went, or whether they’re still thinking about going directly into the workforce. Whatever is going on in that particular kid’s life, you try to talk to them. Or you tell them about your own day and give them some insight into your life.

But we’ve also found it helpful to build family traditions around giving individual kids special attention. One simple thing we try to practice is that the week before or after a child’s birthday, I take them out for a meal, essentially wherever they want to go. A big juicy steak, sushi, or whatever they’re into, and we just sit and chat. It’s very one-on-one, and they make a big deal out of it.

What got me thinking about this was that last night Cedar, my 11-year-old, said, “Hey, we need to go out for my birthday meal.” And I said, “That we do.”

After a while, Emily hated missing out on something so personal and special. So we added another rhythm: Emily takes them out for a meal on their half-birthday, six months before they turn the dial on a new year.

You can build little traditions like this into your family to create real connections, let the kids know they’re special as individuals, and help you stay connected as a parent. These kinds of practices are good regardless of family size, but I think they’re almost a necessity if you have a large family.

It doesn’t have to be birthdays or half-birthdays. Maybe one kid gets to go with Dad to buy the fireworks every year. Another kid is trusted with planning this or that event. Find what works for your family, or steal our idea. I know many of our best ideas were stolen from someone else who was just trying to make it happen.