Sex Advice for Newlyweds

Why Your Honeymoon Isn’t the Super Bowl and Other Things Christians Are Afraid to Say

Let’s Talk About Sex

This is written for newly married Christians, mostly in their twenties and thirties. Virgins and non-virgins. Couples coming in with all kinds of backgrounds. Some of this will hit close to home. Some of it won’t. That’s fine.

I’m not trying to lay down a sexual constitution or issue bedroom edicts. This is Scripture-shaped counsel formed by years of sitting across tables and couches from real couples before and after the wedding. Listening to what actually goes wrong. Paying attention to what actually helps. This is what I’ve seen bear good fruit. Take it for what it’s worth.

The first thing to get straight is mindset.

Your honeymoon night is not the Sex Super Bowl. It’s training camp. Day one. Two people starting to learn how to love one specific person well.

One of the fastest ways to make sex heavier than it needs to be is assuming you’re supposed to be good at it right away. You aren’t. You don’t know each other yet. Not really. You don’t know rhythms. You don’t know insecurities. You don’t know what relaxes your spouse or what shuts them down. You don’t yet know what actually brings pleasure. That kind of knowledge only comes with time and attention.

Think of the honeymoon, the first year, even the first few years, as exploration. Getting used to each other’s bodies. Getting used to being seen. Learning how to talk. Learning how to listen. Learning how to give. Learning how to receive.

For most couples, the best sex of their marriage comes much later than they expect, assuming they keep working at knowing each other. Early on, people often don’t even realize how unskilled they are. It feels good. Only later do you look back and see how much you’ve learned, how much more attentive and capable you’ve become.

So lower the pressure. Don’t turn it into a performance. You’re building something. And if you build it patiently, this part of your marriage becomes a deep source of pleasure and refreshment, not just for a season, but for decades.

Early on, that means prioritizing simple, honest communication.

“I like this.”
“I don’t like that.”
“That felt good.”
“That didn’t.”
“Can we try this?”
“Can we stop that?”

You don’t need a sex manual. There is no Christian Kama Sutra. In the privacy of marriage, you are free to learn each other. To experiment. To discover what actually fits the two of you.

You’ll try things you were sure would be sexy that turn out awkward or funny. Sometimes you’ll laugh. Sometimes something will work for one of you and not the other. That’s normal. That back-and-forth is part of the process.

Over time, you find what you both enjoy most. Those things become the core of your sexual relationship. The normal rhythms. With room, now and then, for something different or special.

This isn’t a script you follow. It’s a life you build.

In a very real sense, the two of you are an adventure. One that slowly teaches you how to become a good lover to this one specific person.

One day, you really will be an expert in your spouse. But that doesn’t happen on the honeymoon. It’s built through years of attention, trial and error, patience, and trust.

So don’t rush it. Enjoy becoming good at loving each other.

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A Word About Differences

Men and women are equally human. They are equally sexual. But their sexuality, especially on the erotic side, often expresses itself differently.

From here on out, I’m speaking in generalities. These describe common patterns, not every person. The point isn’t to shove your spouse into a category. The point is to help you start paying attention. Categories can guide. Your actual husband or wife is the real teacher.

The goal is mutual understanding. Learning how the other person works, then loving them wisely within that reality.

Most men experience their sex drive as intense, steady, and active. Testosterone runs high and fairly constant. Desire tends to be “on” most of the time. Men think about sex more. Want it more. And their appetite doesn’t usually swing much.

Most women experience desire as more moderate, more cyclical, and often more latent. Testosterone is lower. Desire is real, but it often rises and falls across the month. Studies have shown libido increasing toward ovulation and dropping afterward. In that sense, a husband is sexually married to more than one version of his wife over the course of a month.

Put plainly: men are usually ready. Women often are not.

That doesn’t mean women aren’t erotic. It means arousal is often more responsive. Where visual stimulation can flip a switch for a man, women are often more affected by context. Anticipation matters. Atmosphere matters. Feeling seen matters.

That’s why women are often drawn to romance and slow build.

One of the most common early-marriage disconnects is that many women don’t yet grasp how strong and constant a man’s drive is, and many men don’t yet grasp how different the path to arousal often is for their wife. For example, the “upcycle wife” and “downcycle wife” are looking for a different sort of sexual lover.

Learning those differences is key to learning how to love the person God actually gave you.

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Knowing the Body You Married

Even in a sexually saturated age, most couples don’t actually understand each other’s bodies. That’s especially true when it comes to women.

For most wives, orgasm will not happen most of the time through penetration alone. That isn’t a failure. It’s anatomy. The clitoris has to be stimulated, and it usually isn’t positioned where intercourse by itself does that. This means a husband has to learn his wife’s body and manually stimulate her. That’s part of loving her well.

On this point, I’m against bringing anything degrading or humiliating into the bedroom. You don’t want to lace sex with embarrassment. That kind of debt gets paid for years. Sexual shame lingers. It’s hard to undo. Avoid it. A short-term turn-on ain’t worth it.

That said, I don’t think a very simple vibrator is degrading. Many women quietly go without the comfort and release that come with orgasm because they’re embarrassed and their husband doesn’t understand how their body works. Tools that serve the marriage and the wife’s good are not the same thing as pornified toys that turn sex into a performance.

Along with that, intercourse usually requires lubrication. Without it, sex often becomes uncomfortable or even painful, especially for the wife. Keeping something on hand can make the difference between sex being something she enjoys and something she endures. Some people react poorly to certain products. Organic coconut oil is often gentle and well tolerated.

When it comes to appetite, husbands and wives often enter sex wanting different things. A husband is usually oriented toward orgasm. That’s the aim. For a wife, orgasm matters, but it often isn’t the only thing she’s after. Many times she wants closeness. Safety. To feel wanted. Chosen. Sometimes that alone is deeply satisfying. Other times desire follows once she feels secure and pursued.

Men often experience desire as linear. Women are often more layered. Mood, trust, rest, affection, and feeling understood all shape her availability in ways most men underestimate. A husband sometimes has to lead his wife into sex by building the kind of closeness where desire can actually wake up.

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What Kills Desire

Husbands, two things shut a woman down faster than almost anything else: desperation and anxiety.

Begging for sex is desperate. Negotiating for sex is desperate. It degrades you, and it doesn’t produce real desire.

There will also be seasons where sexual release isn’t available. Travel. Pregnancy. Postpartum recovery. Illness. Marriage governs desire. It doesn’t replace self-control. You still need discipline.

That’s what hard work is for. That’s what lifting is for. That’s what building, fixing, creating, and carrying weight are for. Men need outlets. Direction. Burden.

A driven man who handles what belongs to him is attractive. A man who moves through his house fixing what’s broken, building what’s needed, and governing what’s under his care is attractive.

Years ago, I wrote about “chore play,” the claim that household chores sexually arouse women. That claim is mostly nonsense. Research actually points the other way. Women tend to be more attracted to men engaged in traditionally masculine work. Building. Fixing. Working with their hands.

That doesn’t mean the house doesn’t matter. It means motive matters.

An anxious woman is rarely sexually available. When responsibilities stack up, when the home feels out of control, when money is unclear, when problems are ignored, her nervous system stays lit up. A lit-up nervous system doesn’t relax into intimacy.

So you help her carry what’s heavy. Not to get sex. But because you love her. Because you want her to breathe. To rest. To feel safe.

Order paves the way for intimacy.

Homes that are governed. Kids who are being formed. Money that’s being handled. Problems that are addressed instead of avoided. When those things are neglected, anxiety fills the house. And anxiety is poison to desire.

If you want a sexually alive marriage, build a life that doesn’t suffocate her.

Wives, two things deflate a man faster than almost anything else: ungratefulness and unresponsiveness.

You cannot disrespect a man into becoming respectable.

Men don’t need a parade, but they do respond to appreciation. Tell your husband you’re thankful for his work. For what he carries. For how he handles the kids. You’ll see it in his shoulders. You’ll hear it in his voice. Gratitude fuels a man.

Along with that, a man wants a responsive wife. He wants to know you’re with him. That you desire him. That he affects you.

If he flirts, respond. If timing isn’t right because the baby needs you or the house is on fire, build that into it. “Not right now, but I’m yours.” That kind of responsiveness still feeds him. It keeps the bond warm.

In intimacy, a man doesn’t want a body. He wants a woman. Arms. Voice. Movement. Signs of life. Signs of pleasure. He wants to know he is not alone in it.

Gratitude and responsiveness don’t make a marriage shallow. They make it alive.

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Protecting the Bed

I believe it is reckless to bring past sexual experiences with other people into a marriage. Those conversations belong before the wedding, not inside it. Once vows are made, that history should be sealed. Covered. Not compared. Not revisited. Not casually referenced.

After marriage, your task is not to curate the past. It is to build something new.

If someone’s history is something you cannot live with, you should not marry them. If you did marry them anyway, repentance and resolve are your path forward, not rummaging and resentment.

One of the surest ways to starve the ghosts is to feed the living.

Build a new sexual history that belongs only to the two of you. Let what is between you grow so embodied and shared that what came before loses its voice.

The past cannot be edited. But it can be displaced.

Whenever this subject comes up, the talk quickly turns to what is “permissible.” I’ll frame it simply.

Married couples should not do anything sexually that damages the human body or degrades either person. Sexual activity belongs inside the marriage itself. No third parties. No pornography. No outsourcing desire. That part of life is meant to be shared, together, and protected.

What you do should be mutual. That doesn’t mean identical interests. It does mean neither of you is pressured, humiliated, or pushed past what troubles the conscience. Sometimes one spouse is more eager and the other participates out of love. That’s normal. But neither should feel degraded.

For most couples, that fence is sufficient.

Protect the bed. Protect each other. Protect the kind of intimacy you’ll have to live with in your own memory.

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Rhythms and Seasons

Variety really is the spice of life. Different positions. Different pacing. Different places. Different ways of presenting yourselves. It’s good to change things up. It keeps a marriage from going stale.

At the same time, every home has its go-to meals. Most couples develop a familiar way of being together. That’s not failure. That’s intimacy.

There are also seasons.

There are seasons when work is heavy, kids are little, and time is thin. Those are quick seasons. You take what you can get. That’s not defeat. That’s life.

There are other seasons with more room. More time. More lingering.

Sex in marriage is not a moment. It’s a long story.

Sometimes it’s a snack. Sometimes it’s a five-course meal. Often it’s somewhere in between.

The main thing is this: stay connected. Stay tender. Keep the fire tended however you can.

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Have Lots of Sex

I’ve written about sexual frequency over the years, but I’ll just say it straight: you should be having as much sex as you reasonably can. When you’re young, that might mean even multiple times a day. For some couples, it may be nearly every day. Every marriage is different, but this matters more than people want to admit. Sex plays a massive role in bonding you as husband and wife. It’s not a side benefit of marriage. It’s one of the main ways God welds two people together. So you don’t treat it like an afterthought. You make room for it. You protect it. You enjoy each other.

Things will slow down over time. That’s normal. Life fills up. Bodies change. Seasons shift. But in a healthy marriage, where there aren’t complications like illness, recovery, or pregnancy, something like a few times a week is a pretty honest baseline. Some couples will be lower. Some will be much higher. The point isn’t hitting a number. The point is this: be as intimate as you can. Don’t starve your marriage. Don’t let exhaustion, distraction, or silent resentment crowd out one of God’s main gifts to your union. Regular sex is good for both of you. It steadies a marriage. It softens conflict. It deepens friendship. It keeps the bond warm.

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Spending the Early Years Well

I wrote this for newlyweds, and by newlyweds I mean the first ten years.

One thing you need to settle early is this: your bodies are going to change.

That is especially true for women who bear children. If she has many, her body will stretch and recover again and again. It will work hard. It will carry life. It will show it.

You should pursue health. You should steward what God has given you. But you should also love the body God has given you. Love the scars. Love the changes. Love the wrinkles you are giving each other.

Youth gives way to age. There is a day coming when sex will still matter, but it will not be what it is in the early years. That isn’t loss. That’s the shape of a real life.

The early years are a gift. They are often full of energy, discovery, laughter, and heat. They are meant to build trust and goodwill and a shared history you can live on later.

Spend them well.
Spend them on each other.
Enjoy the one God has given you.

Sex is a gift.
Don’t rush past it.
Relish it.