This is absolutely filled with wisdom. "This isn’t a script you follow. It’s a life you build". So true. "Homes that are governed. Kids who are being formed. Money that’s being handled. Problems that are addressed instead of avoided. When those things are neglected, anxiety fills the house. And anxiety is poison to desire... Order paves the way for intimacy". Absolutely true. Wives need stability and the assuredness that they are safe. Todays secular world spends $30,000 on the wedding and 50 bucks on keeping the marriage going. Christian marriages flip that around. Your investment needs to be placed in the long term. You'll be glad you did. Soli Deo Gloria.
This is really well done. Men and women are mysterious to each other, so a hint at what is going on in the other's head about this important part of a healthy marriage is so helpful.
Quote from the article…’I believe it is reckless to bring past sexual experiences with other people into a marriage. Those conversations belong before the wedding, not inside it. Once vows are made, that history should be sealed. Covered. Not compared. Not revisited. Not casually referenced’.
This assumes the person was honest before you were married. My wife told me she wasn’t a virgin but I had no idea the level of sexual promiscuity until after we were married.
Not only that, there is the elephant in the room of sexless marriages. Almost no priest, pastor or minister wants to talk about it.
You can’t ask for exclusive rights from your spouse and then do nothing with them. You have no right to inflict a vow of involuntary celibacy on the other person.
Michael, you can correct me if I'm wrong, but I took it that you were saying not to bring it up in a way to throw it in our spouse's face. Such as, "So and so could do better than that." Or, "I remember how..." Which could cause our spouse to feel very much unappreciated and incapable of pleasing us. Having been widowed and remarried, I can say from experience that my husband has needed that assurance that he meets my needs as no one else can.
Nothing wrong with your article Michael. I found it quite thorough. And my comment wasn’t directed towards you or your writing.
There is a common trend now of women being highly sexually promiscuous in their teens and early twenties and then when they are ready to settle down they miraculously find Jesus. Because the only guys willing and gullible enough to settle are those of religious persuasion.
Oh, bro, you ain't wrong. I dropped a 10 min voice memo in a GC that laid out the evolution of that whole thing this very morning. I'm working on that. But it's a hard fix.
I agree with the author. In our early years of marriage I thought it would be good to discuss previous sexual partners and my husband never would, I understand his wisdom now in never pursuing those conversations. Why does it matter if your wife had multiple partners? That's over, she's committed and faithful to you. Her past sins are hers to repent and ask forgiveness. You never should have brought it up after marriage, she didn't lie to you, she told you she wasn't a virgin and you were fine with that. Should've left it alone or demanded knowing the number of partners prior to marriage. Many young women are misled by society thinking that when they have sex with a man it is empowering, makes them more loved or accepted along with many other illogical ideas. We'll be married 20 years this year and what the author writes is spot on. Love, intimacy and desire for each other has only grown. It's been fun experimenting and getting to know each other. Any sexual experience either of us had prior to our marriage fails miserably in comparison to the pleasure we enjoy now.
One problem may be that a spouse enters marriage without full repentance because they don't understand what repentance really is until they're in marriage. Or maybe someone needs to instruct them that repentance is more than a verbal confession of sin. Furthermore, as another commenter pointed out, it's not possible to say everything there is to say about sexual pasts before you've gotten married and had sex. Sealing off the past and forbidding any further discussion may result in a spouse continuing in lack of repentance, thus causing substantial harm to the marriage.
The reason why it matters if your wife has multiple partners is that the more partners someone has prior to marriage the less likely they are - statistically speaking - to be able to sustain a life long marriage. So an individual has a right to know what he/she is signing up for. Sexual promiscuity does affect women more than men (hormonal and psychological fact). No amount of repentance and forgiveness wipes the slate clean. Yes someone can be forgiven of their sins but the psycho-sexual baggae and trauma remains.
Women know their sexual past is a turn off for men which is why they lie about it. And getting married under a veil of lies and deception and strategically withholding vital information is not a solid foundation for a marriage.
We are traveling through the seasons this writing speaks of. 48 years of marriage. We are aging. The body doesn’t work quite like it used to but we know our love remains. We navigate different waters today but we’re still sailing together.
Although another comment also responded to this part of the article, I will repeat the quote for my own comment: "I believe it is reckless to bring past sexual experiences with other people into a marriage. Those conversations belong before the wedding, not inside it. Once vows are made, that history should be sealed. Covered. Not compared. Not revisited. Not casually referenced. After marriage, your task is not to curate the past. It is to build something new."
Although I have very much less pastoral experience than the author, this strikes me as wrong advice, or advice that's good only if the alternative is conflict, anxiety, and resentment. Biblically, is it really the case that our history of sin can ever be sealed off such that it doesn't affect us going forward? Yes, judicially we are fully righteous when we come to Christ in faith, but we nevertheless face a lifetime of sanctification. When we commit sin, or when we are sinned against, we are spiritually damaged, and a prayer of confession with an attitude of repentance doesn't automatically erase that. Instead, as the Spirit reveals aspects of our previous sins that we weren't aware of before, we must continually go before the Lord for more grace, deeper healing, and greater restoration of our horizontal relationships. Declaring that the past is sealed off will prevent this process from occurring.
Since sexual sin is the one sin that a person commits against his or her own body, and since a person joins his or her body with that of the spouse as one flesh, the impacts of past sexual sin unavoidably enter into marriage at the most intimate level. Covering it up doesn't make it go away. Practically speaking, past sexual sin may substantially impair the ability of a spouse to engage in normal married sex, and it may be necessary to discuss within the marriage, and even within the bedroom, certain aspects of past sexual sins so that the old can be put off and the new be put on. Yes, the past shouldn't be "curated" as a museum piece, but it must, by grace and repentance, be *integrated* into the present.
Now, it may be the case that many married couples don't have the ability to do this, in which case sealing off the past may necessary, at least for a time, but I think we should aspire to a greater work of grace than that. Although it definitely can be harmful in some circumstances to talk about past sexual experiences in a marriage, a blanket statement that it is "reckless" to do so implies doubt in the restoring power of the Gospel through the work of the Spirit. I believe that when we get to Heaven, our past sins will not be covered up and forgotten but instead be completely known by everyone. This will not distress us, but instead we will be filled with wonder over God's grace and filled with love for one another. I also believe that it's possible in this life to have a foretaste of Heaven, in which we know each other's sins and can revisit and refer to them, not casually but freely, as we grow ever deeper in repentance, grace, love, and intimacy.
From what I understand, the author doesn't dissuade disclosure of personal history, but rather recommends the couple discuss it before marriage rather than after it.
"Those conversations belong *before the wedding, not inside it*."
This seems sound advice, coming clean instead of dropping the bomb after marriage.
"If someone’s history is something you cannot live with, you should not marry them. *If you did marry them anyway, repentance and resolve are your path forward*, not rummaging and resentment."
The "repentance and resolve" seems to be directed at the spouse who marries someone with a past he/she cannot accept. Not the offender but the sufferer, if I may say so. Again, this also seems decent advice: you can't change it (biblically speaking) so you have to live with it.
You are absolutely correct and this was bad advice. Part of growing in intimacy is growing through the healing and repenting of some elements of our sexual past. Baggage that we thought was fine until we saw the true standard we've been missing. Bad mindsets that recur and habits we have to shake. Talking through those places with *grace* and *honesty* is the source of so much healing and life, a work of the Spirit that is so remarkable. Purity culture is trashed too often, but it did regrettably teach a lot of us that sexual damage is somehow eternally staining and irredeemable. Being open and honest, grace giving, receiving in the face of our sexual pasts has actually been necessary for me and my spouse to experience so much joy and freedom. Also, no you haven't said everything that needed to be said about your sexual pasts before you ever had sex, and encouraging a lack of any kind of discussion about sex, especially one that could be key to current temptations or turnoffs seems monumentally unwise to me.
Yes, and if both are coming from a similar place, that’s one thing. And something constructive could probably come from a conversation there.
The other commentator was coming from a place where his fiancé/spouse was:
1. far more promiscuous than him
2. far more promiscuous than what she was truthful about when discussing the topic prior to marriage
If prior to marriage, my spouse thought I was debt free, or a $5,000 student loan and then all of a sudden after marriage found out I actually had $250,000 in debt at 18% interest… This would be a MAJOR issue, and we know what many women would do to absolve themselves from it (yes even in church vast % divorces initiated by women).
This is not advice. Men are given when dealing with this situation with women.
There’s very little advice on it. It’s typically just “well you should’ve chosen better” etc.
It is definitely worse if there isn't full disclosure, but even with full disclosure, things need to be talked about in marriage. One can enter marriage with the knowledge that the spouse is $250,000 in debt, but once in marriage, one has to actually deal with it, and that means revisiting the topic. Perhaps some people think debt has longer lasting impacts than sexual sin such that the history of the former can't be sealed off whereas the history of the latter can, but I think that's a mistake. Since getting badly into debt is a sin outside the body, it is easily dispensed with once the debt is paid off. Since sexual sin is against the body, it is not so easily dispensed with before the resurrection. That doesn't mean there can't be restoration and healing from sexual sin, but it needs to be faced rather than ignored.
I think the shortcoming of the "once and done" approach to confession and repentance is that people may confess sin and repent in good faith, but their confession and repentance are shallow because they view sin lightly. They feel little shame for their sin, not because they've experienced great grace in Christ, but instead because they're too spiritually dull to feel what they ought. Sometimes I've returned multiple times to confess and apologize to someone I once sinned against as I've gained deeper and deeper understanding of the sin and how it impacted the other person. Sometimes I've offered forgiveness for a sin against me, only to discover afterward that the full ramifications were bigger than I realized. Eschatologically, our justification is immediate and complete when we come to faith in Christ, but in earthly terms, our confession and repentance is an ongoing process as we put off the old and put on the new.
I think the author is correct that feeding the living by righteous sex in marriage will starve the ghosts of the past sexual sin, but I've also seen situations where fully displacing the ghosts and enabling normal marital sex could be accomplished only by unsealing the past and bringing sexual sins back into sight again so that they could be deeply repented of and their damage healed with the active cooperation of a spouse.
Men don’t need a parade, but they do respond to appreciation. Tell your husband you’re thankful for his work. For what he carries. For how he handles the kids. You’ll see it in his shoulders. You’ll hear it in his voice. Gratitude fuels a man.
Really appreciate this post. My wife and I are almost to 12 years of marriage, and so much of this is stuff we’ve had to learn by experience. This is something we would send to young couples—it’s that good!
I would love to see a post like this with more advice for the baby/kids season, beyond the typical attitude of, “yeah that’s a thing, good luck.”
"I’ve written about sexual frequency over the years, but I’ll just say it straight: you should be having as much sex as you reasonably can."
It's interesting seeing this statement and contrasting it with the rising popularity of NFP among Christians. I'm Catholic, so any other type of pregnancy spacing is forbidden for me, full stop, but I am seeing more Evangelical type Christians adopt NFP-- which requires periodic abstinence. If you're post partum and the woman's cycle is just coming back online, then it requires a lot of abstaining.
I know that's not a newly wed reality much of the time, but it came to mind.
I really liked this article overall, and wish I'd read it before I got married. I would add some acknowledgement of sexual trauma and that sometimes that needs to heal-- I carried some into our marriage, and took literal years before I really enjoyed sex, even though my husband was doing all the right things and I was trying hard to be open with him. It was only after I was able to acknowledge and work through some past hurts that I felt safe enough to actually relax instead of disassociate and that changed.
It is a travesty that protestants don’t take a hard stand against the abortifacient birth control and tiny families. But I do think the catholic position is needlessly strict. There is nothing sinful about pulling out on occasion or using a barrier to space kids for recovery or to pay medical bills, it can be wise stewardship of the body and resources.
I’m always at a loss for how to respond to a comment like this, which makes a confident assertion with no evidence that you know what it even is you’re disagreeing with. Have you read Humanae Vitae? Where exactly does it go wrong? There is nothing specifically Catholic, and hardly even specifically Christian, about its reasoning.
"I’m always at a loss for how to respond to a comment like this, which makes a confident assertion with no evidence that you know what it even is you’re disagreeing with. "
This is an excellent way to describe it. Samuel is unwittingly swinging blind, thinking he is making some obvious point. I suppose we were all there at some point, and we can only hope to spread the truth of rightly ordered sexuality more broadly.
Over the past few years, ive seen many Protestants switching to NFP as well. I'd say the big difference is many of us and Catholics use barrier methods instead of abstinence during our fertile windows (understanding that it pulls the effectiveness levels to that of the used barrier method).
My husband and I were very encouraged during our premarital counseling that our church (and the book our pastor uses) discussed abortifacients bluntly. Thankfully, we had already picked a NFP method before that convo. I'd love to see more and more churches take it seriously!
Loved this, especially “Most men experience their sex drive as intense, steady, and active. Testosterone runs high and fairly constant. Desire tends to be “on” most of the time. Men think about sex more. Want it more. And their appetite doesn’t usually swing much.” Curious how you came to that framing.
I’m a therapist writing a post on good sex rituals—subscribed and excited to read more.
Just a technical note about lube, I’ve heard from Ellen Holloway on the Charting Toward Intimacy podcast that one should avoid coconut oil for lube. Sweet almond oil and jojoba oil are best, since they are closer to the same pH as a woman’s vagina (jojoba oil is closer than almond, but almond costs slightly less and is still close enough).
You can find bottles of them organic & cold pressed for $10 or $15.
Coconut oil is a different pH, and while it is a great topical moisturizer, it can cause yeast infections inside a woman’s vagina.
Just info I’ve heard. I haven’t heard any other personal experiences from people who have used coconut oil :)
Becoming an Orthodox Christian has revolutionized my relationship with sex in the absolute best way. A Christian faith that has a beautiful ethic of chastity within marriage, an understanding that consecrated virginity (monasticism) is a high calling, a call to fast from sex with your spouse multiple times per week (Wed, Fri, and before partaking in the Eucharist), a traditional Christian approach toward birth control and children (not the approach sold to the Protestant Christian world by the likes of Sanger and the leaders of the feminist/sexual revolution.) I strongly recommend all newlyweds and all Christians in general take a deep look into Orthodoxy—you’ll be amazed by what you find. I’ve found healing and wholeness coming into my approach toward sex and my relationship with my wife.
A great book to better understand traditional Christian sexual ethics is “Marriage and Virginity” by Fr Josiah Trenham.
I would encourage anyone considering the orthodox faith to fully understand what their typical and official view of the non-orthodox is. Is there salvation and "true sacraments" outside of the orthodox faith? Can a non-orthodox have the fullness of the spirit?
Yes, definitely worth understanding these things you mention. The Orthodox today maintain consistent belief with 100% of the witnesses of the Christians you’ll find discussing the topic in the first 1,000 years of the church including St Ignatius and Polycarp (disciples of the apostle John), to St Athanasius, St Basil, St Maximos, St Basil, etc. You will not find a Christian voice in the first millennium teaching anything different.
We Orthodox still hold the same belief all the early Christians held, which is that the Church is Christ’s body, it is one and undivided and visible, and that salvation is found in being united to Christ in theosis. This salvation is found only in Christ, only by being united to His body in the sacraments.
Outside the one, holy, catholic, and apostolic church the Holy Spirit also works, though we have not been given confidence in groups that are separated from the Church. We do believe that they teach heresies that do not lead to salvation, though God is free and does as He wills, calling all men to Himself for he is a good and merciful God who loves mankind. All will be judged by God, and that will be based on his perfect and just judgement, we make no claims on any individual’s salvation (including our own, we only say, “Lord have mercy!”) We hold to the anathemas of the ecumenical councils, which are the church’s means of preserving the integrity of “the faith once delivered to the saints.” Other Christian groups do not understand nor do they maintain the councils or the anathemas, which is a huge break in continuity with the church of the first millennium, the self-same Orthodox Church.
Thank you for raising this important point, and blessings to all who seek Christ!
This the best piece written about marriage and sexual intimacy that I have ever read during my twelve years of marriage. Thank you for taking the time to write it.
This is absolutely filled with wisdom. "This isn’t a script you follow. It’s a life you build". So true. "Homes that are governed. Kids who are being formed. Money that’s being handled. Problems that are addressed instead of avoided. When those things are neglected, anxiety fills the house. And anxiety is poison to desire... Order paves the way for intimacy". Absolutely true. Wives need stability and the assuredness that they are safe. Todays secular world spends $30,000 on the wedding and 50 bucks on keeping the marriage going. Christian marriages flip that around. Your investment needs to be placed in the long term. You'll be glad you did. Soli Deo Gloria.
This is really well done. Men and women are mysterious to each other, so a hint at what is going on in the other's head about this important part of a healthy marriage is so helpful.
Quote from the article…’I believe it is reckless to bring past sexual experiences with other people into a marriage. Those conversations belong before the wedding, not inside it. Once vows are made, that history should be sealed. Covered. Not compared. Not revisited. Not casually referenced’.
This assumes the person was honest before you were married. My wife told me she wasn’t a virgin but I had no idea the level of sexual promiscuity until after we were married.
Not only that, there is the elephant in the room of sexless marriages. Almost no priest, pastor or minister wants to talk about it.
You can’t ask for exclusive rights from your spouse and then do nothing with them. You have no right to inflict a vow of involuntary celibacy on the other person.
Daniel, I have once again failed to write an article that covers everything for everyone in every situation. I will do better.
Michael, you can correct me if I'm wrong, but I took it that you were saying not to bring it up in a way to throw it in our spouse's face. Such as, "So and so could do better than that." Or, "I remember how..." Which could cause our spouse to feel very much unappreciated and incapable of pleasing us. Having been widowed and remarried, I can say from experience that my husband has needed that assurance that he meets my needs as no one else can.
Thank you for this beautifully written article!
Nothing wrong with your article Michael. I found it quite thorough. And my comment wasn’t directed towards you or your writing.
There is a common trend now of women being highly sexually promiscuous in their teens and early twenties and then when they are ready to settle down they miraculously find Jesus. Because the only guys willing and gullible enough to settle are those of religious persuasion.
Oh, bro, you ain't wrong. I dropped a 10 min voice memo in a GC that laid out the evolution of that whole thing this very morning. I'm working on that. But it's a hard fix.
Great article/insight.
Yes this is a major issue.
Looking forward to your thoughts on it if something in the works.
I agree with the author. In our early years of marriage I thought it would be good to discuss previous sexual partners and my husband never would, I understand his wisdom now in never pursuing those conversations. Why does it matter if your wife had multiple partners? That's over, she's committed and faithful to you. Her past sins are hers to repent and ask forgiveness. You never should have brought it up after marriage, she didn't lie to you, she told you she wasn't a virgin and you were fine with that. Should've left it alone or demanded knowing the number of partners prior to marriage. Many young women are misled by society thinking that when they have sex with a man it is empowering, makes them more loved or accepted along with many other illogical ideas. We'll be married 20 years this year and what the author writes is spot on. Love, intimacy and desire for each other has only grown. It's been fun experimenting and getting to know each other. Any sexual experience either of us had prior to our marriage fails miserably in comparison to the pleasure we enjoy now.
"Her past sins are hers to repent..."
One problem may be that a spouse enters marriage without full repentance because they don't understand what repentance really is until they're in marriage. Or maybe someone needs to instruct them that repentance is more than a verbal confession of sin. Furthermore, as another commenter pointed out, it's not possible to say everything there is to say about sexual pasts before you've gotten married and had sex. Sealing off the past and forbidding any further discussion may result in a spouse continuing in lack of repentance, thus causing substantial harm to the marriage.
The reason why it matters if your wife has multiple partners is that the more partners someone has prior to marriage the less likely they are - statistically speaking - to be able to sustain a life long marriage. So an individual has a right to know what he/she is signing up for. Sexual promiscuity does affect women more than men (hormonal and psychological fact). No amount of repentance and forgiveness wipes the slate clean. Yes someone can be forgiven of their sins but the psycho-sexual baggae and trauma remains.
Women know their sexual past is a turn off for men which is why they lie about it. And getting married under a veil of lies and deception and strategically withholding vital information is not a solid foundation for a marriage.
Important article.
We are traveling through the seasons this writing speaks of. 48 years of marriage. We are aging. The body doesn’t work quite like it used to but we know our love remains. We navigate different waters today but we’re still sailing together.
And for that we are thankful.
Although another comment also responded to this part of the article, I will repeat the quote for my own comment: "I believe it is reckless to bring past sexual experiences with other people into a marriage. Those conversations belong before the wedding, not inside it. Once vows are made, that history should be sealed. Covered. Not compared. Not revisited. Not casually referenced. After marriage, your task is not to curate the past. It is to build something new."
Although I have very much less pastoral experience than the author, this strikes me as wrong advice, or advice that's good only if the alternative is conflict, anxiety, and resentment. Biblically, is it really the case that our history of sin can ever be sealed off such that it doesn't affect us going forward? Yes, judicially we are fully righteous when we come to Christ in faith, but we nevertheless face a lifetime of sanctification. When we commit sin, or when we are sinned against, we are spiritually damaged, and a prayer of confession with an attitude of repentance doesn't automatically erase that. Instead, as the Spirit reveals aspects of our previous sins that we weren't aware of before, we must continually go before the Lord for more grace, deeper healing, and greater restoration of our horizontal relationships. Declaring that the past is sealed off will prevent this process from occurring.
Since sexual sin is the one sin that a person commits against his or her own body, and since a person joins his or her body with that of the spouse as one flesh, the impacts of past sexual sin unavoidably enter into marriage at the most intimate level. Covering it up doesn't make it go away. Practically speaking, past sexual sin may substantially impair the ability of a spouse to engage in normal married sex, and it may be necessary to discuss within the marriage, and even within the bedroom, certain aspects of past sexual sins so that the old can be put off and the new be put on. Yes, the past shouldn't be "curated" as a museum piece, but it must, by grace and repentance, be *integrated* into the present.
Now, it may be the case that many married couples don't have the ability to do this, in which case sealing off the past may necessary, at least for a time, but I think we should aspire to a greater work of grace than that. Although it definitely can be harmful in some circumstances to talk about past sexual experiences in a marriage, a blanket statement that it is "reckless" to do so implies doubt in the restoring power of the Gospel through the work of the Spirit. I believe that when we get to Heaven, our past sins will not be covered up and forgotten but instead be completely known by everyone. This will not distress us, but instead we will be filled with wonder over God's grace and filled with love for one another. I also believe that it's possible in this life to have a foretaste of Heaven, in which we know each other's sins and can revisit and refer to them, not casually but freely, as we grow ever deeper in repentance, grace, love, and intimacy.
From what I understand, the author doesn't dissuade disclosure of personal history, but rather recommends the couple discuss it before marriage rather than after it.
"Those conversations belong *before the wedding, not inside it*."
This seems sound advice, coming clean instead of dropping the bomb after marriage.
"If someone’s history is something you cannot live with, you should not marry them. *If you did marry them anyway, repentance and resolve are your path forward*, not rummaging and resentment."
The "repentance and resolve" seems to be directed at the spouse who marries someone with a past he/she cannot accept. Not the offender but the sufferer, if I may say so. Again, this also seems decent advice: you can't change it (biblically speaking) so you have to live with it.
You are absolutely correct and this was bad advice. Part of growing in intimacy is growing through the healing and repenting of some elements of our sexual past. Baggage that we thought was fine until we saw the true standard we've been missing. Bad mindsets that recur and habits we have to shake. Talking through those places with *grace* and *honesty* is the source of so much healing and life, a work of the Spirit that is so remarkable. Purity culture is trashed too often, but it did regrettably teach a lot of us that sexual damage is somehow eternally staining and irredeemable. Being open and honest, grace giving, receiving in the face of our sexual pasts has actually been necessary for me and my spouse to experience so much joy and freedom. Also, no you haven't said everything that needed to be said about your sexual pasts before you ever had sex, and encouraging a lack of any kind of discussion about sex, especially one that could be key to current temptations or turnoffs seems monumentally unwise to me.
Yes, and if both are coming from a similar place, that’s one thing. And something constructive could probably come from a conversation there.
The other commentator was coming from a place where his fiancé/spouse was:
1. far more promiscuous than him
2. far more promiscuous than what she was truthful about when discussing the topic prior to marriage
If prior to marriage, my spouse thought I was debt free, or a $5,000 student loan and then all of a sudden after marriage found out I actually had $250,000 in debt at 18% interest… This would be a MAJOR issue, and we know what many women would do to absolve themselves from it (yes even in church vast % divorces initiated by women).
This is not advice. Men are given when dealing with this situation with women.
There’s very little advice on it. It’s typically just “well you should’ve chosen better” etc.
Looking forward to authors thoughts.
It is definitely worse if there isn't full disclosure, but even with full disclosure, things need to be talked about in marriage. One can enter marriage with the knowledge that the spouse is $250,000 in debt, but once in marriage, one has to actually deal with it, and that means revisiting the topic. Perhaps some people think debt has longer lasting impacts than sexual sin such that the history of the former can't be sealed off whereas the history of the latter can, but I think that's a mistake. Since getting badly into debt is a sin outside the body, it is easily dispensed with once the debt is paid off. Since sexual sin is against the body, it is not so easily dispensed with before the resurrection. That doesn't mean there can't be restoration and healing from sexual sin, but it needs to be faced rather than ignored.
I think the shortcoming of the "once and done" approach to confession and repentance is that people may confess sin and repent in good faith, but their confession and repentance are shallow because they view sin lightly. They feel little shame for their sin, not because they've experienced great grace in Christ, but instead because they're too spiritually dull to feel what they ought. Sometimes I've returned multiple times to confess and apologize to someone I once sinned against as I've gained deeper and deeper understanding of the sin and how it impacted the other person. Sometimes I've offered forgiveness for a sin against me, only to discover afterward that the full ramifications were bigger than I realized. Eschatologically, our justification is immediate and complete when we come to faith in Christ, but in earthly terms, our confession and repentance is an ongoing process as we put off the old and put on the new.
I think the author is correct that feeding the living by righteous sex in marriage will starve the ghosts of the past sexual sin, but I've also seen situations where fully displacing the ghosts and enabling normal marital sex could be accomplished only by unsealing the past and bringing sexual sins back into sight again so that they could be deeply repented of and their damage healed with the active cooperation of a spouse.
As a newlywed, this is was so timely! Thank you for sharing!
Everyone should read this! So good, so thoughtful.
Married 31 years with 8 kids,some of whom are married or looking at it. This is such a good comprehensive brain dump and good advice :)
Men don’t need a parade, but they do respond to appreciation. Tell your husband you’re thankful for his work. For what he carries. For how he handles the kids. You’ll see it in his shoulders. You’ll hear it in his voice. Gratitude fuels a man.
Truer words were never spoken.
Really appreciate this post. My wife and I are almost to 12 years of marriage, and so much of this is stuff we’ve had to learn by experience. This is something we would send to young couples—it’s that good!
I would love to see a post like this with more advice for the baby/kids season, beyond the typical attitude of, “yeah that’s a thing, good luck.”
"I’ve written about sexual frequency over the years, but I’ll just say it straight: you should be having as much sex as you reasonably can."
It's interesting seeing this statement and contrasting it with the rising popularity of NFP among Christians. I'm Catholic, so any other type of pregnancy spacing is forbidden for me, full stop, but I am seeing more Evangelical type Christians adopt NFP-- which requires periodic abstinence. If you're post partum and the woman's cycle is just coming back online, then it requires a lot of abstaining.
I know that's not a newly wed reality much of the time, but it came to mind.
I really liked this article overall, and wish I'd read it before I got married. I would add some acknowledgement of sexual trauma and that sometimes that needs to heal-- I carried some into our marriage, and took literal years before I really enjoyed sex, even though my husband was doing all the right things and I was trying hard to be open with him. It was only after I was able to acknowledge and work through some past hurts that I felt safe enough to actually relax instead of disassociate and that changed.
It is a travesty that protestants don’t take a hard stand against the abortifacient birth control and tiny families. But I do think the catholic position is needlessly strict. There is nothing sinful about pulling out on occasion or using a barrier to space kids for recovery or to pay medical bills, it can be wise stewardship of the body and resources.
https://emilyhess.substack.com/p/evangelical-sex-vs-catholic-sex
Rather than respond in a comment section, I wrote a whole post on this, so I'm just going to link that.
I’m always at a loss for how to respond to a comment like this, which makes a confident assertion with no evidence that you know what it even is you’re disagreeing with. Have you read Humanae Vitae? Where exactly does it go wrong? There is nothing specifically Catholic, and hardly even specifically Christian, about its reasoning.
"I’m always at a loss for how to respond to a comment like this, which makes a confident assertion with no evidence that you know what it even is you’re disagreeing with. "
This is an excellent way to describe it. Samuel is unwittingly swinging blind, thinking he is making some obvious point. I suppose we were all there at some point, and we can only hope to spread the truth of rightly ordered sexuality more broadly.
Over the past few years, ive seen many Protestants switching to NFP as well. I'd say the big difference is many of us and Catholics use barrier methods instead of abstinence during our fertile windows (understanding that it pulls the effectiveness levels to that of the used barrier method).
My husband and I were very encouraged during our premarital counseling that our church (and the book our pastor uses) discussed abortifacients bluntly. Thankfully, we had already picked a NFP method before that convo. I'd love to see more and more churches take it seriously!
Loved this, especially “Most men experience their sex drive as intense, steady, and active. Testosterone runs high and fairly constant. Desire tends to be “on” most of the time. Men think about sex more. Want it more. And their appetite doesn’t usually swing much.” Curious how you came to that framing.
I’m a therapist writing a post on good sex rituals—subscribed and excited to read more.
Love this article.
Just a technical note about lube, I’ve heard from Ellen Holloway on the Charting Toward Intimacy podcast that one should avoid coconut oil for lube. Sweet almond oil and jojoba oil are best, since they are closer to the same pH as a woman’s vagina (jojoba oil is closer than almond, but almond costs slightly less and is still close enough).
You can find bottles of them organic & cold pressed for $10 or $15.
Coconut oil is a different pH, and while it is a great topical moisturizer, it can cause yeast infections inside a woman’s vagina.
Just info I’ve heard. I haven’t heard any other personal experiences from people who have used coconut oil :)
Thank you again for the article!
Nice article.
Becoming an Orthodox Christian has revolutionized my relationship with sex in the absolute best way. A Christian faith that has a beautiful ethic of chastity within marriage, an understanding that consecrated virginity (monasticism) is a high calling, a call to fast from sex with your spouse multiple times per week (Wed, Fri, and before partaking in the Eucharist), a traditional Christian approach toward birth control and children (not the approach sold to the Protestant Christian world by the likes of Sanger and the leaders of the feminist/sexual revolution.) I strongly recommend all newlyweds and all Christians in general take a deep look into Orthodoxy—you’ll be amazed by what you find. I’ve found healing and wholeness coming into my approach toward sex and my relationship with my wife.
A great book to better understand traditional Christian sexual ethics is “Marriage and Virginity” by Fr Josiah Trenham.
I would encourage anyone considering the orthodox faith to fully understand what their typical and official view of the non-orthodox is. Is there salvation and "true sacraments" outside of the orthodox faith? Can a non-orthodox have the fullness of the spirit?
Yes, definitely worth understanding these things you mention. The Orthodox today maintain consistent belief with 100% of the witnesses of the Christians you’ll find discussing the topic in the first 1,000 years of the church including St Ignatius and Polycarp (disciples of the apostle John), to St Athanasius, St Basil, St Maximos, St Basil, etc. You will not find a Christian voice in the first millennium teaching anything different.
We Orthodox still hold the same belief all the early Christians held, which is that the Church is Christ’s body, it is one and undivided and visible, and that salvation is found in being united to Christ in theosis. This salvation is found only in Christ, only by being united to His body in the sacraments.
Outside the one, holy, catholic, and apostolic church the Holy Spirit also works, though we have not been given confidence in groups that are separated from the Church. We do believe that they teach heresies that do not lead to salvation, though God is free and does as He wills, calling all men to Himself for he is a good and merciful God who loves mankind. All will be judged by God, and that will be based on his perfect and just judgement, we make no claims on any individual’s salvation (including our own, we only say, “Lord have mercy!”) We hold to the anathemas of the ecumenical councils, which are the church’s means of preserving the integrity of “the faith once delivered to the saints.” Other Christian groups do not understand nor do they maintain the councils or the anathemas, which is a huge break in continuity with the church of the first millennium, the self-same Orthodox Church.
Thank you for raising this important point, and blessings to all who seek Christ!
Excellent article, thanks Michael.
This the best piece written about marriage and sexual intimacy that I have ever read during my twelve years of marriage. Thank you for taking the time to write it.