Sexual Intimacy and Frequency in Marriage

Marriage has three major purposes: helpful companionship, protection against sexual immorality, and, if the Lord allows, raising godly children. Let’s focus on the second—protection against sexual immorality—and some holy habits related to it.

Here’s the challenge: we must talk about sexuality earlier and more often because of the insanity of our age. The grooming nature of our culture is real. Government, media, entertainment, and schools are all working to normalize what God calls perverse—not just on the left, either. Even the usually trustworthy Daily Wire ran an interview titled, “Gay Parenting: Promise & Pitfalls.”

This stuff is everywhere. But as we address it, we must avoid becoming crude or crass. We can rob our children of innocence both by silence and by oversharing. We must not talk about sexuality like it’s just another topic. Some conversations belong in mixed company, others in single-sex groups, and others still between parent and child. Restoring sexual sanity requires restoring conversational modesty.

Give me some grace as I try to walk this tightrope.

Marriage isn’t a silver bullet for loneliness or sexual temptation. Ryle warns, “Thoughtlessly entering into marriage is one of the most fertile causes of unhappiness, and too often, of sin.” We need to understand what marriage can and can’t do. It is a help—a powerful, glorious help.

A young marriage is like grape juice. Properly cultivated, it matures into fine wine. Left to itself, it turns to bitter vinegar. Hence, Paul’s caution in 1 Corinthians 7:2: “Because of the temptation to sexual immorality, each man should have his own wife and each woman her own husband.”

Desire for intimacy is part of God’s good design. It’s not merely about procreation, but also about mutual joy and comfort. Proverbs 5:18–19 says:

“Rejoice in the wife of your youth… Let her breasts fill you at all times with delight; Be intoxicated always in her love.”

That intoxicating desire was meant for marriage alone.

Think of it like combustion: in the wrong place, it destroys—but in the right place, it powers movement and mission. Properly harnessed, sexual desire strengthens marriage, produces children who praise God, deepens commitment, and fuels the godly productivity of a Christian home.

While sexual desire is a powerful force for good within marriage, it becomes a force for destruction when twisted or acted on outside of God’s design. That’s what Scripture means by sexual immorality—any sexual intimacy, in word, thought, or deed, that God forbids. And because this desire is so strong, the temptation is very real.

Some people, however, are not strongly tempted in this area. They’ve been given a unique gift. In Matthew 19, Jesus says:

“Not everyone can receive this saying, but only those to whom it is given… there are eunuchs who have made themselves eunuchs for the sake of the kingdom of heaven.”

If you have this gift, you may not need the help that marriage provides in this area.

But it’s a rare gift. Paul says in 1 Corinthians 7:6–7:

“I wish that all were as I myself am. But each has his own gift from God, one of one kind and one of another.”

That’s why Paul says plainly: “Each man should have his own wife and each woman her own husband.” If you have this desire—and most do—marriage is a God-given safeguard and help.

In v. 3, Paul says, “The husband should give to his wife her conjugal rights, and likewise the wife to her husband.”

The phrase conjugal rights is translated in other translations as due affection, due benevolence, or just duty.

The idea here is simple: we owe each other sexual intimacy because it is a purpose of marriage, and husbands and wives took marriage vows to fulfill that purpose.

Look at v. 4: “The wife does not have authority over her own body, but the husband does; and likewise also the husband does not have authority over his own body, but the wife does.”

In taking marriage vows—in making the covenant of love—we have given our bodies to each other. They are no longer entirely our own.

The wife’s body is under the husband’s authority; the husband’s body is under the wife’s authority. They may not give their bodies to anyone else. They are reserved to be enjoyed by each other, and each alone.

Paul says, “Do not deprive one another…”

The word deprive here is translated as defraud in the KJV. Either works, but I prefer defraud as it emphasizes the withholding or depriving of something promised.

And frequent sexual intimacy is promised in the taking of marital vows.

Now, conventional thinking says that this is a male issue—that it is men who complain about being deprived of sexual intimacy.

That’s simply not true. Women feel deprived as well. This is something the sexes share in common.

The issue is that we have a truncated and reduced understanding of sexual intimacy.

Men and women both have these desires, but this desire is met in similar but distinct ways.

Listen to v. 3 again: “The husband should give to his wife her conjugal rights (or due affection), and likewise the wife to her husband.”

In other words, we should meet each other’s particular needs.

What is the affection due to your wife? What is it that she desires as a woman? Are you giving that to her? Is there the romance she desires? Is there the adventure she desires? Is there the sensitivity she desires? Are you fulfilling your marriage duty?

What is the affection due to your husband? What is it that he desires as a man? Are you giving that to him? Is there flirting? Is there responsiveness? Do you show off your beauty to him? Are you fulfilling your marriage duty?

You both should be.

More could be said—and probably will be—but this isn’t a mixed crowd conversation.

Look at the rest of verse 5: “Do not deprive one another, except perhaps by agreement for a limited time, that you may devote yourselves to prayer…” This kind of other-focused intimacy should be a regular habit. It should happen with frequency, only paused by mutual agreement, and for a spiritual purpose.

How frequent? That depends on the couple. I did some research on normal, healthy sexual frequency in marriages. A lot of the studies disagreed. If you average them together, it comes out to about three times a week during a healthy couple’s sexual prime. Obviously, that’s a rough average, based on merging different studies and leaving out a lot of complicating variables. Treat it as a rule of thumb.

Some of y’all might be close to daily. Others, weekly. But I’ll tell you this—monthly is outside the range of normal. There could be reasons for monthly such as chronic illness or just having a child, but these are exceptional.

Emily and I both get the sense, from talking to a lot of couples, that many marriages would benefit from more sex. Sometimes, that sex will have to be quick—squeezed into the short moments between an infant’s micro-naps. Other times, it’ll be a longer, more prolonged time of intimacy.

Work with each other. Be flexible with your season of life.
Ask each other: What would be a blessing to you? Be willing to compromise, willing to stretch. Meet each other’s needs with love, knowing this habit fosters godliness.

Verse 5 continues: “…but then come together again, so that Satan may not tempt you because of your lack of self-control.”

When you meet each other’s needs this way, you weaken Satan’s power to tempt. You build dependence on each other—and from that, gratitude grows. Your marriage becomes an oasis from temptation, a place where God’s good gift is honored. It lifts some of life’s burdens.

And your children will see it. They’ll see mom and dad crazy in love—with each other and with God. They’ll see that Christian marriage isn’t bleak—it’s a blessing.

So make marital intimacy a practice. A habit. A glorious discipline for the glory of God. Let it be how you regularly renew your vows.