Singleness, Celibacy, and the Crisis of Delay
Singleness isn’t a curse. Everyone’s single at some point, and some people stay that way their whole life. That’s fine. But we’re in the middle of a growing problem—one the church needs to address head-on.
More people are staying single longer. And fewer are getting married at all. That’s not just a gut feeling; the numbers back it up.
For example:
Back in 1960, only 9% of adults over 25 had never been married.
By 2012, that number had more than doubled—20% had never married.
It’s not just that people are delaying marriage—it’s that marriage itself is starting to seem optional. And when marriage is delayed, a bunch of other things follow. You get cohabitation, porn addiction, fatherless homes, rising abortion rates, and a general mess of sexual confusion. That’s what we’re seeing.
Historically, people married young by today’s standards. Colonial New England? Women often married in their late teens, men around 25. Even in 1900, the average woman married at 21.9, the man at 25.9. In 2013? Women were marrying at 26.6, men at 29. And the average is still rising.
Now, I’m not saying the exact age is some holy benchmark. But the shift reveals something: our cultural priorities have changed.
Sex isn’t Going Away
Now, just because people aren’t marrying doesn’t mean they’re suddenly living chaste lives. That’s the lie. The truth? Sex hasn’t slowed down—it’s just been uncoupled from covenant.
Let’s talk cohabitation.
Back in 1995, about a third of first relationships involved living together before marriage. By 2002, that was 43%. Fast forward to the early 2010s? Almost half of women were moving in with a man without ever saying vows.
And most people think it’s fine. Barna found that 65% of Americans think cohabitation is a good idea. Among millennials, it’s 72%. That tells you something.
Then there’s porn. And look, I’ll keep this brief—but the numbers are ugly.
1 in 4 search engine queries are sex-related.
The average age of first exposure is 11.
70% of men aged 18–24 are hitting porn sites monthly.
Even 1 in 3 users are women now.
We are discipling a generation into sexual confusion and then wondering why marriage is down and family formation is falling apart.
And the consequences? They’re everywhere. In 1970, only 11% of births were to unmarried women. By 1990, it was 28%. In 2012, it hit 41%. Among millennial mothers, it’s 57%.
We’ve tried to separate marriage, sex, and children. But they were built to go together. Pull them apart, and you don’t just get chaos—you get pain.
The Biblical Bundle: Marriage, Sex, and Children
These three things—marriage, sex, and children—are like a three-stranded cord. Cut one out, and the rest fray fast.
A marriage without sex? That’s a hard marriage. God designed sex as a blessing—not just for procreation, but for comfort and intimacy in a fallen world.
Sex without marriage? It’s cheap and damaging. You get broken hearts, fatherless kids, abortions, and all sorts of relational baggage.
Marriage without children—when it’s chosen, not providential—often reflects selfish priorities. Kids sanctify you. They force you to grow up. People who opt out for "quality of life" reasons are usually chasing ease, not holiness.
What we’re watching is a slow-motion rejection of God’s design. And that brings us to the church’s dilemma.
The Tension for Singles
Faithful churches are preaching the truth: marriage is good. Sex belongs inside of it. Children are a blessing. That’s biblical. But here’s the tension—more people in the pews are single, and not always by choice.
Some are trying. They’ve gone on blind dates. They’ve tried online platforms. They’ve prayed. And still—nothing. Maybe it’s unrealistic standards. Maybe it’s just the difficulty of finding a solid, scripturally sound match. Either way, it’s discouraging.
Some churches, feeling that tension, try to patch it with teachings on celibacy. But that’s not always the right fix.
Celibacy Is a Calling, Not a Delay
Jesus made this clear in Matthew 19. There are a few people who are called to lifelong celibacy. Some are born that way. Some are made that way. And some choose it for the kingdom. But He ends with this: “He who is able to accept this, let him accept it.” Not everyone can. Most people can’t.
Paul echoes this in 1 Corinthians 7. He says it’s good to remain single if—and that’s a big if—you can do it without burning with sexual desire. That’s not just about not having sex. It’s about not even needing it. That’s what celibacy really means: not just abstinence, but the absence of strong sexual drive.
And that’s rare. So no, Paul isn’t endorsing “modern singleness” as a lifestyle. He’s describing a very specific gift—one most people don’t have.
John Calvin put it plainly: “If any man thinks it advantageous for him to want a wife, and, without making any inquiry, lays upon himself an obligation to celibacy, he is widely mistaken.” In other words, don’t pretend you're called to celibacy when you’re really just stuck or delaying.
What Should Singles Do?
If you don’t have the gift of celibacy, you should pursue marriage. That’s the norm. But in the meantime, here’s what Scripture calls you to:
1. Self-Control.
Sexual temptation isn’t abnormal. But giving in to it outside of marriage still isn’t an option. 1 Thessalonians 4:3: “This is the will of God, your sanctification: that you abstain from sexual immorality.”
2. Contentment.
It’s okay to feel the ache. Marriage is a good gift. But don’t let longing become resentment. God is at work, even in waiting. James 1 tells us trials—even unwanted ones—grow endurance.
3. Service.
Singleness does give you more bandwidth. No kids to chase. No spouse to care for. That time and energy can go toward real kingdom work. Don’t waste it. Serving others is one of the best ways to get your eyes off yourself and keep your heart soft.
Churches, Pay Attention
Churches need to see their singles. Not pity them. Not patronize them. Just be aware. Create space. Give opportunities. Encourage them. And at the same time, don’t back down from honoring marriage, sex, and children as the blessings God says they are.
And singles—don’t resent a church for preaching what the Bible preaches.
Look at Paul. He was single. Yet he gave us most of our theology on sex, marriage, and parenting. He didn’t avoid the topic. He leaned in.
So no, the issue isn’t that churches talk about marriage too much. It’s that singles sometimes lose sight of how that teaching still serves and shapes them.
The Long-Term Fix
In the long run, we need to build better networks. Churches that are likeminded theologically and culturally should work together to help their people find godly spouses. Not perfect matches. Not unicorns. Just suitable mates—people running the same direction, with shared convictions.
We’re never going to solve the marriage crisis by pretending lifelong singleness is normal for people who burn with desire. That’s not compassionate. That’s cruel.
We need to stop idolizing ease, stop demonizing marriage, and stop settling for porn, hookups, or isolation. God’s design is better. Let’s help each other pursue it.
"God is at work, even in waiting. James 1 tells us trials—even unwanted ones—grow endurance."
Good reminder...
I have wondered if it’s possible that the burden of unwanted singleness is heavier now because most other forms of communal identity (family, town, city, even church) have been so degraded. It may not be so abnormal for young men and women to be unmarried later in their 20s, but I would argue that they are significantly more LONELY and isolated from historic covenants and communities than any unmarried young adults of the past.
The phenomenon of young men and women living outside their family home, sometimes many hours away, is certainly new and likely not at all helpful.