The House of Foster Expands

Some More Thoughts on Large Families

Well, Emily is over three months pregnant with our tenth child.

We had been keeping this quiet as we processed it, because it came as a surprise. I am 46. She is 42. We thought we were done adding people to our household biologically. Earlier this year, our oldest son got married and moved out, and we assumed we had firmly entered that next stage of life. Clearly, that is not the case. We are happy and grateful. But there are other emotions too. Having babies in your forties is not the same as having them in your twenties or even your thirties. There are greater concerns, greater risks, and our cup already overfloweth with responsibility. This is a blessing, but not without challenges.

I thought I would use this as an opportunity to share three things I’ve learned as the father of a large family and as someone who has spent a lot of time in churches where large families are more common.

Before I get to those thoughts, I need to preface them with a few things.

First, despite what it may look like, we do not believe Christians are obligated to have as many children as physically possible. This is sometimes referred to as the quiverfull position. We do believe Scripture clearly teaches that a fruitful womb is a blessing from God, that children are a normal part of marriage, and that receiving them should generally be pursued with gladness. We also believe that deliberately rejecting children altogether undermines one of the central purposes of marriage and sex. God designed marriage not only for companionship, but for fruitfulness. Part of filling the world with His glory is filling it with image bearers.

At the same time, we believe God gives husbands and wives real discernment in how they manage their fruitfulness. While we would reject any abortifacient means of preventing pregnancy, we do not believe every form of contraception is inherently sinful. There are good reasons to stop having children and bad reasons to stop having children. They aren't all morally equal. There is nothing inherently righteous about a large family, and there is nothing inherently sinful about a small one. What matters is what a family becomes known for.

I know this sort of flexibility will frustrate some conservative Christians, especially in certain homeschooly circles. They will argue that it is enough to say that God opens and closes the womb and that we ought not meddle with His will. They will point to the 1930 Lambeth Conference and the history of the church’s opposition to contraception. They will say this sort of position simply gives cover to selfishness, allowing couples to justify having one or two children so they can preserve comfort, travel freely, or maintain a certain lifestyle. I have heard all of that before.

But that has not been our experience. Under our ministry, we have seen multiple families move toward greater fruitfulness, not because they were pressured by commands or burdened by man-made standards, but because they were around people who genuinely love children and celebrate family life. We have known men who reversed vasectomies, not because we told them they were in sin, but because they came to see children differently. That is how we think this should work. The love of family should be contagious. It should not be coerced.

We have also always been very honest that we do not see our family size as some ideal for everyone else. The truth is that a family this large has always been unusual. It has never been the historical norm. Even the earliest American census data put average household size at around 5.8. Today, census categories often stop counting beyond five children. You would not know that at East River. We have a lot of large families, and I am thankful for that. But we love our smaller families too.

What we are confronting is not small families. It is a negative view of children and an excessive love of comfort, convenience, and worldly pleasure. If you challenge that, if you teach people to see children as blessings rather than burdens, you will almost always see greater fruitfulness. That has certainly been our experience. And now, apparently, we are about to experience it all over again.

Anyhow, I have written a lot on large families, and I will link some of those articles at the bottom.

With that all said, here are three observations for you...

First, one of the biggest things I have learned is that difficulty comes in waves. When you are first starting out and have a house full of littles, all those single-digit kids, while trying to build a career and establish your household, it can feel overwhelming. It is exhausting. There is constant noise, constant need, and very little margin. But if you give yourself fully to it, you grow stronger. You get more organized. You adapt. Over time, you start to find your rhythm.

Ironically, this is often the stage where some families become a little arrogant. Some of the most know-it-all large families are those with five or six children, all still pre-puberty. They may have a newborn, a two-year-old, a four-year-old, a six-year-old, an eight-year-old, a ten-year-old, and maybe a twelve-year-old. At that point, they know a great deal about babies, toddlers, and the early years. Their oldest is often actually helpful and still compliant. Life has settled into a kind of manageable system. And that is often the moment when people feel they have figured it out. This is the season when people are most tempted to start the parenting podcast, write the parenting book, or hand out advice as if they have mastered the whole thing.

But the truth is, they have only mastered one phase. Things get complicated when your children hit puberty. That is when personalities sharpen. New struggles emerge. Questions become harder. The issues are no longer about bedtime routines, spilled milk, and teaching basic obedience. You are helping young men and women navigate maturity, responsibility, temptation, vocation, relationships, and eventually marriage. That is a completely different challenge.

Then, when they leave your household, parenting changes yet again. You begin as a commander. In the early years, your role is direct and authoritative. Then you become a coach. You are still leading, but now much of your work is training, guiding, and preparing. Eventually, if God’s providence is kind, you become more of a consultant. Your adult children are building lives of their own. They call on you when needed. They seek counsel, not commands. And if you push too hard, you are able to strain that relationship. That transition is not easy.

So yes, the early years are hard. Then there is often a season where things feel easier and more manageable. But later, in many ways, it becomes difficult again. I do not have much to say beyond that because I am still in the middle of it myself. We have a newborn on the way, and we also have a married son who is nearly twenty and building his own household. I am learning in real time. So allow me offer one piece of counsel to parents, especially those with large families. Have lots of humility. Simply having many children does not make you wise. It does not automatically qualify you to teach everyone else. Every new season exposes how much more there is to learn. Large families are a blessing. But they are also a long education in humility.

Second, this may not be the deepest insight, but it is an important one. Large families require two parents working together to divide and conquer. There is simply no way around it. When you have a household our size, you aren't able to give deep, individualized attention to every child all the time. That kind of attention comes in waves. You have to think seasonally.

A couple of years ago, I made a point to spend a great deal of time talking with Hudson because I knew he was the kind of young man who would likely leave the house quickly and begin building his own life. He did. I knew the window of daily access was closing, and I wanted to make the most of it. I have done the same with our other older boys. With Athanasius, I have gone to as many wrestling meets as possible. I have dialed into what is happening in Southwest Ohio wrestling because I want to be present in the world he is inhabiting right now. With Caedmon, I have brought him along to trade shows and conferences whenever I can. He is interning at my company right now, and that has opened the door for all kinds of deeper conversations about work, ambition, discipline, sexual purity, and what it means to prepare for manhood. These are intentional investments because adulthood is right around the corner for them.

At the same time, I have not been able to give the same level of focused attention to my daughters in this season. But my wife has. She is taking them to horse riding and gymnastics. She is pulling them in close. She is investing deeply in their world. And over time, this shifts. The focus oscillates back and forth between us. Different children need different levels of attention in different seasons, and we work together to make sure the whole family is covered in love and guidane. This is exhausting work. It is hard. And it requires real teamwork.

Having babies was never our goal. Raising godly heirs was our goal. We want daughters who live as faithful Christian women and sons who live as faithful Christian men. We want children who live for the glory of God. That does not happen without intentionality. It requires two parents working in concert. It requires constant communication. It requires honest conversations about what is going well, what is not, where a child is struggling, where one is thriving, and where our focus needs to shift next. It often feels like a tag team. One parent leans in heavily with one child for a season while the other carries more weight elsewhere. Then you switch. No one gets to check out. But neither can both parents try to do everything at once. You have to be thoughtful about where your focus goes, and you have to make those decisions together.

This is one of the hardest parts of large-family life. The goal is not merely managing bodies under one roof. The goal is raising souls.

Lastly, if you are going to do this well, you have to be willing to spend your body. A woman understands this immediately. Pregnancy, childbirth, nursing, recovery. Her body stretches, bears scars, and carries the visible marks of bringing life into the world. There is exhaustion that is not simply emotional but deeply physical. She can feel emotionally depleted because she is physically depleted. Men often do not carry those same visible marks, but large-family life takes its toll on us too.

If you are working hard to provide for a large household while remaining deeply engaged at home, your body will feel it. The demands are relentless. If you want to remain productive in your vocation, especially if you are trying to build something meaningful, the hours are often long. It becomes very easy to neglect your health. You lean too heavily on coffee. You eat whatever is fast and convenient. You skip the gym because there is always something more urgent waiting for you. Many of the jobs that provide well for large families also require long hours of sitting, meetings, travel, and mental strain. It is remarkably easy to gain weight, lose strength, and slowly drift into physical decline.

I know this firsthand. Over the years, I have worked hard not only to plant a church, but to help build a major business presence in our town and to play my part, behind the scenes, in helping preserve Clermont County, Batavia Township, and our village as the kind of place I want my grandchildren to someday call home. That kind of work takes a toll. I let my health slip in my thirties. I wrecked my metabolism through poor sleep, bad rhythms, and the kind of constant grind that feels noble in the moment but proves costly over time. In recent years, I have had to correct course. I have become far more disciplined about sleep, protein intake, training, and recovery. Emily has done the same. She has gotten into running and has completed a 10K along with several 5Ks, and it has been tremendously good for her.

This is not about vanity. And it certainly is not about the ridiculous culture of comparison that dominates social media, where people posture, shame others, and use physical fitness as a badge of self-righteousness. That whole game is embarrassing. This is about stewardship. What I want is energy. What I want is longevity. What I want is to faithfully finish what God has given us to build. I do not want to waste the gifts He has given me through neglect and short-sightedness.

Sometimes that means backing away from the unfinished work and going to the gym. Sometimes it means going for the run even when there are emails unanswered. Sometimes it means spacing children wisely so your wife can heal and recover. Not because you dislike babies. But because you love the children you already have, and because you are thinking beyond the next few years. You are thinking about decades.

Lord willing, we want to be active, present, and involved grandparents well into our seventies, maybe even our eighties. A lot of the decisions we make now are shaped by that long view. That, of course, is in God’s hands. But faithful stewardship means planning for the future while entrusting the outcome to Him.

So there you have it. Three observations from our own experience. Large families are a blessing, but they aren't easy. They require humility. They require teamwork. And they require endurance. If God gives you this calling, receive it with thankfulness. But receive it with wide eyes.

P.S. One of our daughters, Nicaea, died 13 years ago. To avoid confusing people, I often include only the number of living children in my bios. But there is not a day I don't think about her. One more link with heaven.

Here are the other links...

The Perils of Large Families (pt 1)

https://open.substack.com/pub/wemadepeople/p/the-perils-of-large-families?r=po40&utm_campaign=post-expanded-share&utm_medium=web

Overcoming the Perils of the Large Family (pt. 2)

https://open.substack.com/pub/wemadepeople/p/overcoming-the-perils-of-the-large?r=po40&utm_campaign=post-expanded-share&utm_medium=web

A Few of the Benefits of Large Families

https://open.substack.com/pub/wemadepeople/p/a-few-of-the-benefits-of-large-families?r=po40&utm_campaign=post-expanded-share&utm_medium=web