Tactics of Manipulative Ministers

When working in pastoral ministry, you come across stories of manipulation from both your peers in ministry and new members joining your church.

I have been involved in ministry since my late teens, and there was a time when I didn't give much weight to these stories for two reasons.

Firstly, there is a tendency for a victim mentality that exaggerates every small infraction or misstep by church leaders as malicious "spiritual abuse" or "spiritual trauma," instead of recognizing them as misunderstandings, poor communication, personality differences, or relatively benign issues.

Secondly, there is an anti-authority rebellious mindset in our culture that resents being confronted with anything difficult. People often prefer the smooth words of flatterers over the sharp but helpful words of a friend.

However, over time, even when accounting for these tendencies, it becomes evident that there is an approach to ministry that is both deeply manipulative and widespread across churches of different backgrounds and sizes.

After 25 years of serving in various capacities within the church, I have witnessed, been subjected to, and, to a lesser extent, even been guilty of manipulative behavior. So, I started outlining the tendencies of manipulative ministries.

I have found that manipulation involves a combination of three factors: it is coercive, deceptive, and works against the well-being of the individual. It employs various deceptive tactics that force people to act in ways that contradict their conscience or compromise their well-being. Though subtlety, manipulation makes individuals believe they have no other options apart from the one presented by the manipulator. It traps them in a coercive grip.

What follows is a series of reflections on the nature and tendencies of these manipulative ministries.

The Manipulative Meddling

There are many manipulative pastors in the ministry. Now the word "manipulate" is not found in Scripture, just like the word "Trinity." However, the reality of both is contained within the Word of God.

What does it mean to manipulate? A suitable definition for manipulation is to control or coerce another person through artful, unfair, or insidious (harmful but enticing) means, particularly for one's own advantage.

The first manipulator mentioned in Scripture is the devil. Ephesians 6 tells us that the devil has "wiles." A wile is a trick or stratagem used for ensnaring or deceiving, a sly and insidious tactic. For instance, the devil manipulated Eve by steering her with cunning words to work against her own interests and towards his agenda.

Words are the primary tool of manipulators. This presents a challenge for pastors. Words are also the primary tool of the pastorate. In 2 Timothy 4:2, Paul instructs, "Preach the word; be ready in season and out of season; reprove, rebuke, and exhort, with complete patience and teaching." However, Scripture also warns us that "when words are many, transgression is not lacking" (Proverbs 10:19). Pastors engage in extensive conversations and deal with sensitive circumstances. The opportunities for the misuse of power are numerous in ministry. This is why Peter advises, "Shepherd the flock of God that is among you, exercising oversight, not under compulsion, but willingly, as God would have you; not for shameful gain, but eagerly" (1 Peter 5:3).

Commenting on 1 Peter 5:3, James Bannerman writes:

[Elders] are not ‘lords over God's heritage,’ licensed to act according to their discretion or caprice, and independently of any authority but their own. They are not free to administer word, or ordinance, or authority, as from themselves, and independently of the Head that is over them. In all their duties and functions they act only for Christ, and therefore must keep within the strict limits of His commission. The rights and privileges of Christ's Church are protected from the caprice and arbitrary encroachment of the office-bearers, by the restraint of Christ's express authority over them; and underneath His crown, and sheltered by it, is found the liberty wherewith Christ has made His people free. The functions of the office-bearers of the Church are ministerial, not lordly.

Scripture provides us with warnings regarding specific and real dangers, and the danger of manipulation is a constant temptation for pastors. Churches, as Bannerman puts it, must be safeguarded from the "caprice and arbitrary encroachment" of elders who exceed the "strict limits of [Christ's] commission." The danger of pastors misusing their authority is a genuine one.

Now, there are those who label any exercise of pastoral authority as abuse. These rebels are numerous, and they disregard the authority of the Word. However, I have witnessed several pastors who, in response to the existence of such rebels, justify a form of pastoral care that can only be rightly described as manipulative meddling.


The Benevolent Manipulator

Manipulators can appear benevolent, and not just as a camouflage for their manipulation. It can be genuine. However, their benevolence is directly linked to your willingness to further their agenda.

In a sense, this is true for everyone. We naturally feel affection for those who share our mission and are in the trenches with us. The fact that we have a common goal strengthens our bond. If someone were to shift their mission and join a different group, over time, my affection for them would likely diminish. This is a natural response. The more we have in common, the stronger our communal bond becomes, and vice versa.

Nevertheless, there is a distinction with benevolent manipulators. Their love is not based on mutual interests but on your interest in serving their agenda, which is always centered around themselves. This may be camouflaged (perhaps even subconsciously). You might believe that you and the manipulator are in orbit around a shared and greater mission, when in reality, the manipulator wants you to orbit around them. They are the focal point of their own agenda.

Detecting this can be challenging. However, there are some clear signs that become evident when you attempt to correct the imbalance in the orbit.

Here are a few:

• They will subtly question your loyalty.

• They will be suspicious of anyone who leaves the "group."

• They will often undermine anyone who might pose a threat to their influence.

• They will try to convince you that any concerns or actions not aligned with their agenda stem from personal weakness.

• And so on.

They will use these tactics to realign you with their mission. If successful, you may be welcomed back but with a lingering sense of caution. If their tactics fail, they will discard you and warn others about you. They will label you as weak, disgruntled, rebellious, and so forth. You become the target of their attempts to poison the well.

For benevolent manipulators, it's an all-or-nothing scenario. They convince themselves, as well as those orbiting around them, that anyone not with them must be against them.

Tactic One - Flipping the Script

A common tactic of manipulative ministry is "flipping the script," which is essentially a form of gaslighting:

"You only think we're arrogant because you're arrogant."
"You claiming that we are gossiping about you is slander."

This tactic serves as a diversion to keep you on the defensive, forcing you to defend yourself. There are two reasons for this:

1. It allows them to avoid responding to your accusation by distracting you with your own defense.

2. It may provoke an emotional reaction from you, making you appear out of control.

The best way to counter this tactic is not to outright deny their counterclaim. It is possible that there is some truth to it. Reacting excessively will only make them seem more right. More importantly, we must be open to accepting corrections even from those with whom we disagree. Humility never backfires.

The appropriate response is to say, "That may be true, and we can revisit it later, but for now, I would like you to address my concern. Are you outright denying it?"

The goal is to elicit a genuine response. They may admit to it, or they may not. If they are believers, they will likely admit to it but try to weaken your claim: "Yes, we did discuss you, but it wasn't gossip. We were concerned and seeking counsel from some brothers." It may not be the answer you desire, but it is better than no response. It provides a potential path forward.

The key is to stay focused on the main issue and remain calm. Dealing with manipulative individuals require laser-like focus. If you don't have a clear point, you can't stay on track. Therefore, it is crucial to carefully consider the matter at hand.

Have you considered the possibility that you might be wrong?

Have you asked God to "Search me, O God, and know my heart; test me and know my anxious thoughts; see if there is any offensive way in me"?

Have you discussed this issue with a godly friend who is willing to challenge you by sharing things you may not want to hear?

Examine yourself. No one is merely a victim. Remove the log from your own eye first. Only then will you be able to address the speck, twig, or log in your brother's eye.

The goal is for everyone to take responsibility for their own sin, repent, reconcile, and move forward in building the kingdom. It is a chain of causality. Owning one's sin is the initial domino that must fall. Therefore, take ownership of your sin before initiating any conversation and earnestly pray that others will do the same. Reconciliation is impossible when people refuse to acknowledge their sin, and no God-fearing Christian desires such an outcome.

This Key & Peele sketch captures the concept of flipping the script and gaslighting in a sketch called "Meegan and Andre Break Up." In the sketch, Andre attempts to end his relationship with Meegan due to her controlling behavior, but she successfully flips the script and convinces him that he is the one who is controlling. It is a well-executed sketch, although it contains strong language.

Tactic Two - Always Keeping it Subjective

A tactic of manipulators is to primarily focus on the subjective. They'll try to make everything about what they claim is happening "inside" as opposed to actual words and actions. They'll do this both with you and themselves.

With you, they'll emphasize what they claim to be your sinful motives, intentions, and emotions.

With themselves, they'll emphasize what they claim to be their innocent and noble motives, intentions, and emotions.

Why? Because it's easier to revise intentions than it is to revise actual events.

This allows them to spin everyone's actions in a way that best fits a narrative that enables them to avoid taking responsibility.

You'll hear phrases like these:

"Where is this mistrust coming from?" "Haven't I loved you?" "When have we ever misled you?" "I'm bothered that you feel this way."

Don't take the bait. It's a trap.

Respond with something like: "Well, let's address that later and first deal with the issue at hand."

It's that simple. Stay focused. Keep it objective. Manipulators want you to delve into suspicions.

By the way, it isn't immoral to appeal to past affection and loyalties. In Galatians 4, Paul says:

"For I bear witness that, if possible, you would have plucked out your eyes and given them to me. So have I become your enemy by telling you the truth?"

But you must recognize that this isn't a blind appeal to emotions. It's an appeal sandwiched between powerful rational and scriptural arguments. Paul isn't saying, "Just trust me." No, that's the realm of manipulators and frauds.

Tactic Three - Cultivating a Scarcity Mindset

Manipulators are experts at cultivating a "scarcity mindset" in others.

They want you to believe that they are the only ones from whom you can obtain something that they know you truly desire. That "something" could be love, approval, orthodoxy, vocational opportunities, or anything else. I've observed them using two tactics simultaneously to create a "scarcity mindset" in individuals.

First, they dangle the carrot of that "something" just out of your reach. They use it to manipulate and guide you. It always seems within your grasp. They might even allow you a taste of the carrot. However, it's always conditional on you following the path they have set for you. If you deviate, the carrot is taken away. But that's not the second tactic I have in mind.

Second, they try to convince you that they are the only ones with the carrot. No one else possesses it (that's scarcity, do you get it?). Only they do. To achieve this, they must persuade you that all the other carrots you see elsewhere are actually poisoned. Yes, those carrots may appear perfectly fine, but they assure you it's all an illusion.

They want you to believe that they are the sole providers of what you want and/or need, leaving you with no other options. This is almost always false. There is an abundance of opportunities available. There are plenty of genuine love, approval, orthodox churches, vocational opportunities, and so forth.

But a manipulator must distort this reality, or else they will lose control.

Tactic Four - The Surprise Meeting

Another tactic of manipulators is the "surprise meeting."

This can manifest as an impromptu gathering or a sudden phone call. The key aspect is that they catch you off guard. The purpose is to confront you when you're unprepared, giving them a strategic advantage. They've had time to gather their emotions and arguments, while you are entering the situation with little prior thought. Consequently, you become more susceptible to being steered and manipulated.

They often combine the "surprise meeting" with the "imminent deadline" tactic. This tactic aims to create the illusion of diminishing options with each passing moment. Then, during the "surprise meeting," they apply pressure so that you feel like you have no alternatives but the ones they present to you. It's a highly effective strategy.

Some meetings occur on short notice, and sometimes you genuinely need to make the best of the available options within a tight timeframe. Not all situations involve manipulation.

Here's a tip for recognizing manipulation. Manipulators will repeatedly postpone having a conversation and then suddenly insist on having it the night before. If you request more time, they will claim that further delays are no longer possible, as if you were somehow complicit in the previous delays.

It's a game. It's manipulation. You do have time, so take it. If they react negatively to your desire for careful consideration, they are undoubtedly manipulators.

Tactic Five - Cultivating a Spirit of Rivalry

One tactic of manipulators is to consistently foster a sense of rivalry among others.

This is a method used to make people internally crave the manipulator's approval.

One way I've witnessed this being done is when the manipulator orchestrates a discussion in which individuals, or a group, compare themselves to one another.

The key aspect is that they encourage you to compare yourself to others and then they position themselves as the judge of the validity of your comparison.

This fosters a mental framework within you that constantly asks, "But what would they think?" It is a manipulative form of control and influence. Fatherless men are especially vulnerable to this tactic. It’s natural for men to look for the approval of their father. Manipulators take advantage of this propensity.

But there is a difference…

Fathers want you to develop self-mastery. Manipulators want to gain mastery over you. Fathers discipline you for your own benefit. Manipulators discipline you to serve their own goals. Fathers desire for you to grow into an equal and, eventually, even surpass them. Manipulators want you to remain a follower and never surpass them in anything. Fathers want you to become an independent individual on your own meaningful journey, guided by the discipline and biblical ethics they have imparted to you. Manipulators want you to be one of their followers, assisting them in managing the mission they have assigned to you. The godly father is careful to kept Scripture the standard. The manipulator makes himself the standard.

It’s okay to ask, “How did I do?” Just make sure the answer is inline with the objective principles of Scripture.

Tactic Six - Always Negging

I've observed that many manipulators employ a well-known tactic from the pick-up artist (PUA) community called "negging." Here's a definition from Urban Dictionary:

A neg is a negative remark wrapped in a back-handed compliment. It works by tapping into someone's insecurities and shaking their confidence. The intention is to confuse and intrigue them, possibly causing a slight blow to their self-assurance, which can make them more interested in engaging with you. It's a technique used to bypass their defenses in social settings like bars.

Essentially, negging is a method used to undermine someone's confidence (regardless of gender) and make them feel inferior to you, in order to seek your validation in return.

A manipulator will attempt to negate or devalue anything that highlights your superiority or equality to them.

I encountered a person who would frequently comment on how they never expected me to achieve the level of success I had reached. It always amused me. The last time they said it, I responded by expressing the same sentiment towards them.

If the only accomplishments that matter to someone are those achieved under their watch, you are dealing with a manipulator.

Tactic Seven - The Preemptive Guilting

Manipulators place a strong emphasis on a specific kind of loyalty: loyalty to themselves rather than loyalty to principles.

They employ various methods to achieve this. One technique I've observed is what I refer to as the "Jewish Mother Technique." It’s a way to preemptively guilt someone.

This involves them constantly discussing how everyone abandons, betrays, fails to appreciate, or feels ashamed of them, and so on.

Naturally, you wouldn't want to be associated with such a group of disloyal individuals.

As a result, the significance of loyalty to the manipulator's person is reinforced through a form of negative reinforcement.

Conclusion: Am I Manipulator?

There is a blurred line between being a godly persuader and an ungodly manipulator. Sometimes godly persuasion may appear as ungodly manipulation, and vice versa. It is a challenging distinction that spouses, parents, pastors, and others must discern and navigate.

Here are a few thoughts on "how to" differentiate:

A persuader convinces by presenting reality as it is. They allow all facts to be heard, and their case stands even in the face of contrary evidence. Moreover, a persuader adjusts their argument when new facts are presented. Their primary motivation is conformity to truth, rather than a personal agenda.

A manipulator, on the other hand, manipulates reality to fit their agenda. They carefully highlight or downplay aspects of reality to advance their own goals. Their objective is not to align someone with the truth, but rather to promote their personal agenda.

Are you acting as a persuader or a manipulator?

Ask yourself the following questions:

• Why am I trying to persuade this person to change their mind?

• Is it primarily for my benefit or their benefit?

• Have I listened to their reasoning for their beliefs or behaviors?

• Have I honestly engaged with their strongest points, or did I try to evade them?

You can also apply these questions to a situation to determine whether you are being persuaded or manipulated.

It is unwise to disregard the existence of manipulation. Proverbs warns about evil men and women who exploit our weaknesses and temptations for their own sinful purposes. That is manipulation.

However, it is also foolish to treat all persuasion (such as counsel or correction) as manipulation. Many people play the "manipulation card" to avoid legitimate guidance and correction. They portray themselves solely as victims.

Both always-the-victim types and manipulators share a common trait: self-protection. They refuse to admit their mistakes on any point.

Manipulators label those who do not comply with their agenda as rebellious, weak, or pitiful.

Likewise, always-the-victim types label those who exercise authority or provide loving correction as manipulators, tyrants, or bullies.

These two sides of the same coin. Manipulators are victims with power, while victims are manipulators without power. This is why the oppressed can quickly become oppressors.

Christians take responsibility for their sins and submit to the truth of God's Word. By doing so, they avoid the pitfalls of always playing the victim or becoming manipulators themselves.

One final note: I watched the miniseries Waco a while back, which depicted the events leading up to and following the ATF raid on the Branch Davidian compound. There were two aspects in particular that disturbed me. Firstly, I was troubled by how seemingly normal many of the Branch Davidians appeared. Secondly, I wasn't fully aware that David Koresh's control over the group almost entirely relied on manipulation. I cannot vouch for the accuracy of the portrayal, but what resonates with me is the notion of how easily normal people can be swayed by the manipulations of malicious individuals. Some Christians are in a cult-like church and don’t realize it. May God open their eyes and protect them!