I think this is somewhat inevitable, as people wait longer and longer to pair up, or at least to commit. Proverbs 5:18 ("Let your fountain be blessed, And rejoice in the wife of your youth.") certainly deserves more attention.
My wife and I started going together at 17, senior year of high school. There's no substitute for that sort of history. We've been through so many struggles together, it builds a sort of confidence and appreciation and stability that's invaluable.
There's been a lot written recently about young women getting conned by dating apps into thinking they can get a husband way out of their league, because they don't understand the difference between a guy sleeping with them, and a guy committing to them. But I think young men, through porn and other influences, are themselves too often chasing the sizzle, rather than the steak, having failed to discern the difference. Then they wonder why they're never satisfied.
This brings to mind a story told me long ago by a 30-something engineer, who said he had had two girlfriends, one of whom was quite fun, but the other was far more responsible. He had decided to marry the responsible one, and after several years he was quite happy and wanted to tell me that story, I think because he had finally concluded he made the right decision. Guys don't need to marry the flashiest girl, who will wow all their friends, but one who is well-suited to them, responsible, and will make a good mother.
I disagree - it is the young women who are limiting or eliminating sexual or relationship access to the average and below average young man. It is not because young men are somehow satisfied by porn, they are not, as they too yearn for a real relationship. Nor is it that young men somehow convince themselves they deserve a supermodel, they can discern the difference between a porn video and a dating experience (unlike women it appears with regards to online dating and long-term genuine commitment potential).
If anything, rates of loneliness are so high for young men that are they absolutely desperate for something more than brief sexual access to a stranger.
There has been a complete market failure, and it is not a balanced contribution to that from the sexes, it's mostly a failure on one side of the supply/demand curve.
There are two sides to this "market", the men and the women, and it's my view that whenever there's a problem, it's a pretty good bet that each party is at least partly at fault.
Having said that, I am inclined to agree with your basic premise, if I understand it correctly, that women (on average) are much more out of touch with reality than men (on average) these days. Of course, this is a gross generalization, but we do see evidence of it not only in many of the recent studies about women's use of dating apps (as I noted), but more generally in the stunning bifurcation of young men and women currently, as men trend at least somewhat more conservative, and women continue to veer toward liberal extremes.
I do think the recent books on toxic empathy by Joe Rigney and Allie Beth Stuckey are pointing toward a considerable part of the problem. We can't love the whole world very well, it becomes a performative stunt at the extreme, but we can love our own family and the people around us, but that requires some backbone and perserverance, because it's not always easy. Loving real people in real life is not always going to result in everyone smiling at you, unlike just advancing in an academic or business career might.
My point is that yes, I would agree that many young women are really failing these days to approach life in a practical way that has much connection to reality. The constant putting off of marriage and having children, just a few more years, on and on, with little grasp, until too late, that the grace to have children is heavily weighted toward their 20s.
Again, this is a gross generalization, and I know there are many pretty great young Christian women who are just as frustrated, trying to find a mate, as the men are. But I think, on average, more men are now closer to the right mindset about this than women. This may not have been the case a couple decades ago, and it does likely represent a significant change in American society.
I do feel a considerable sympathy to the many young men, especially, who are struggling to navigate this difficult and perhaps even failed "market", as you put it. I raised nine children, including six sons, now all adults, so it has not been a merely theoretical concern of mine. Dating, courtship, whatever you want to call it, is certainly much harder in so many ways than it was a generation or two ago. I don't mean in any way to make light of the challenge.
"For a lot of men, porn has done serious damage. It’s rewired their expectations. Makes them think they deserve a certain type of woman—usually one they’d never talk to in real life."
From my view porn makes men scared of women. They idolize the sexuality, and are intimidated by it.
Great article, but I think a really important caveat needs to be made here.
There are very very few males on this planet who believe they need or deserve a wife who looks like a pornstar. It is the female sex who determine and create these "leagues", as they are the ones who select based on status, not men. Women even generally are far more selective than men, with far stricter standards and requirements when it comes to looks (contrary to what mainstream opinion would tell you). These differences in selectivity are unequivocally evidenced by the reproductive rates over the entire evolutionary history of our species; (40% men reproducing vs. 80% women reproducing), and modern day studies that show men find most women to be "attractive", whereas women find the overwhelming majority of men to be "unattractive". Online dating swipe statistics are merely the natural representation of the behaviour of what we see in real life; monogamy is not "natural" to our species (nor most primates, mammals, or animals at large). Polygyny is natural, with the female sex doing the majority of the legwork to instantiate this, and we've merely just socially placed monogamy as higher status for the benefit towards child rearing and society.
As soon as we've removed this cultural veneer, by becoming secular, reducing the sacredness of the institution of marriage, introduced no fault divorce, promoted radical feminism... we see nature screaming back.
I mourn the loss of marriage, lifelong monogamy, the sacredness of relationships. It is going to be absolutely devastating for our species, as demonstrated by the catastrophic reproductive rates being below replacement in every single developed country on the planet.
So many guys wanting a supermodel when if you look at them, and want the best for them, they should marry the plump cheerful women who makes the best casseroles at church.
I disagree - it is the young women who are limiting or eliminating sexual or relationship access to the average and below average young man. It is not because young men are somehow satisfied by porn, they are not, as they too yearn for a real relationship. Nor is it that young men somehow convince themselves they deserve a supermodel, they can discern the difference between a porn video and a dating experience (unlike women it appears with regards to online dating and long-term genuine commitment potential).
If anything, rates of loneliness are so high for young men that are they absolutely desperate for something more than brief sexual access to a stranger.
There has been a complete market failure, and it is not a balanced contribution to that from the sexes, it's mostly a failure on one side of the supply/demand curve.
I have see many many young men completely disregard women that were into them, who were thin and healthy but not classically beautiful. Then, let’s not even talk about the plump women, no interest at all. So no, the plump overweight man or the non classically handsome man is indeed waiting for their ten supermodel.
I am in hard disagreement here. This is completely contrary to all available empirical data, both past and current, in not only this subfield but the entire field of male and female intimate relationships.
Aside from this, a starkly obvious rebuttal to your anecdotal claim is... have you HONESTLY seen "many many" young women approach young men? What country do you live in? Further, how many young men who are average* or below average relative to their peers, get approached, EVER?
I'm a 29 year old male, and have had a lot of male friends across the entire spectrum of looks, status, socioeconomic class, education level... and I can count on one hand how many of us have ever* been approached, regardless of environment or the young woman in question.
Very timely!! Porn is one of the plagues of modern time. The book of Proverbs alone is so powerful, finding the right mate in life and staying on the difficult narrow path. Not easy but much preferable to empty and shallow.
I think this is somewhat inevitable, as people wait longer and longer to pair up, or at least to commit. Proverbs 5:18 ("Let your fountain be blessed, And rejoice in the wife of your youth.") certainly deserves more attention.
My wife and I started going together at 17, senior year of high school. There's no substitute for that sort of history. We've been through so many struggles together, it builds a sort of confidence and appreciation and stability that's invaluable.
There's been a lot written recently about young women getting conned by dating apps into thinking they can get a husband way out of their league, because they don't understand the difference between a guy sleeping with them, and a guy committing to them. But I think young men, through porn and other influences, are themselves too often chasing the sizzle, rather than the steak, having failed to discern the difference. Then they wonder why they're never satisfied.
This brings to mind a story told me long ago by a 30-something engineer, who said he had had two girlfriends, one of whom was quite fun, but the other was far more responsible. He had decided to marry the responsible one, and after several years he was quite happy and wanted to tell me that story, I think because he had finally concluded he made the right decision. Guys don't need to marry the flashiest girl, who will wow all their friends, but one who is well-suited to them, responsible, and will make a good mother.
I disagree - it is the young women who are limiting or eliminating sexual or relationship access to the average and below average young man. It is not because young men are somehow satisfied by porn, they are not, as they too yearn for a real relationship. Nor is it that young men somehow convince themselves they deserve a supermodel, they can discern the difference between a porn video and a dating experience (unlike women it appears with regards to online dating and long-term genuine commitment potential).
If anything, rates of loneliness are so high for young men that are they absolutely desperate for something more than brief sexual access to a stranger.
There has been a complete market failure, and it is not a balanced contribution to that from the sexes, it's mostly a failure on one side of the supply/demand curve.
There are two sides to this "market", the men and the women, and it's my view that whenever there's a problem, it's a pretty good bet that each party is at least partly at fault.
Having said that, I am inclined to agree with your basic premise, if I understand it correctly, that women (on average) are much more out of touch with reality than men (on average) these days. Of course, this is a gross generalization, but we do see evidence of it not only in many of the recent studies about women's use of dating apps (as I noted), but more generally in the stunning bifurcation of young men and women currently, as men trend at least somewhat more conservative, and women continue to veer toward liberal extremes.
I do think the recent books on toxic empathy by Joe Rigney and Allie Beth Stuckey are pointing toward a considerable part of the problem. We can't love the whole world very well, it becomes a performative stunt at the extreme, but we can love our own family and the people around us, but that requires some backbone and perserverance, because it's not always easy. Loving real people in real life is not always going to result in everyone smiling at you, unlike just advancing in an academic or business career might.
My point is that yes, I would agree that many young women are really failing these days to approach life in a practical way that has much connection to reality. The constant putting off of marriage and having children, just a few more years, on and on, with little grasp, until too late, that the grace to have children is heavily weighted toward their 20s.
Again, this is a gross generalization, and I know there are many pretty great young Christian women who are just as frustrated, trying to find a mate, as the men are. But I think, on average, more men are now closer to the right mindset about this than women. This may not have been the case a couple decades ago, and it does likely represent a significant change in American society.
I do feel a considerable sympathy to the many young men, especially, who are struggling to navigate this difficult and perhaps even failed "market", as you put it. I raised nine children, including six sons, now all adults, so it has not been a merely theoretical concern of mine. Dating, courtship, whatever you want to call it, is certainly much harder in so many ways than it was a generation or two ago. I don't mean in any way to make light of the challenge.
"For a lot of men, porn has done serious damage. It’s rewired their expectations. Makes them think they deserve a certain type of woman—usually one they’d never talk to in real life."
From my view porn makes men scared of women. They idolize the sexuality, and are intimidated by it.
Great article, but I think a really important caveat needs to be made here.
There are very very few males on this planet who believe they need or deserve a wife who looks like a pornstar. It is the female sex who determine and create these "leagues", as they are the ones who select based on status, not men. Women even generally are far more selective than men, with far stricter standards and requirements when it comes to looks (contrary to what mainstream opinion would tell you). These differences in selectivity are unequivocally evidenced by the reproductive rates over the entire evolutionary history of our species; (40% men reproducing vs. 80% women reproducing), and modern day studies that show men find most women to be "attractive", whereas women find the overwhelming majority of men to be "unattractive". Online dating swipe statistics are merely the natural representation of the behaviour of what we see in real life; monogamy is not "natural" to our species (nor most primates, mammals, or animals at large). Polygyny is natural, with the female sex doing the majority of the legwork to instantiate this, and we've merely just socially placed monogamy as higher status for the benefit towards child rearing and society.
As soon as we've removed this cultural veneer, by becoming secular, reducing the sacredness of the institution of marriage, introduced no fault divorce, promoted radical feminism... we see nature screaming back.
I mourn the loss of marriage, lifelong monogamy, the sacredness of relationships. It is going to be absolutely devastating for our species, as demonstrated by the catastrophic reproductive rates being below replacement in every single developed country on the planet.
So many guys wanting a supermodel when if you look at them, and want the best for them, they should marry the plump cheerful women who makes the best casseroles at church.
I disagree - it is the young women who are limiting or eliminating sexual or relationship access to the average and below average young man. It is not because young men are somehow satisfied by porn, they are not, as they too yearn for a real relationship. Nor is it that young men somehow convince themselves they deserve a supermodel, they can discern the difference between a porn video and a dating experience (unlike women it appears with regards to online dating and long-term genuine commitment potential).
If anything, rates of loneliness are so high for young men that are they absolutely desperate for something more than brief sexual access to a stranger.
There has been a complete market failure, and it is not a balanced contribution to that from the sexes, it's mostly a failure on one side of the supply/demand curve.
I have see many many young men completely disregard women that were into them, who were thin and healthy but not classically beautiful. Then, let’s not even talk about the plump women, no interest at all. So no, the plump overweight man or the non classically handsome man is indeed waiting for their ten supermodel.
I am in hard disagreement here. This is completely contrary to all available empirical data, both past and current, in not only this subfield but the entire field of male and female intimate relationships.
Aside from this, a starkly obvious rebuttal to your anecdotal claim is... have you HONESTLY seen "many many" young women approach young men? What country do you live in? Further, how many young men who are average* or below average relative to their peers, get approached, EVER?
I'm a 29 year old male, and have had a lot of male friends across the entire spectrum of looks, status, socioeconomic class, education level... and I can count on one hand how many of us have ever* been approached, regardless of environment or the young woman in question.
Amen Michael.
Very timely!! Porn is one of the plagues of modern time. The book of Proverbs alone is so powerful, finding the right mate in life and staying on the difficult narrow path. Not easy but much preferable to empty and shallow.
I know the truth of this post by direct experience.