Thoughts on Courting and Dating Part 2

I advocate for what I call traditional dating—a term I use to distinguish it from the modern dating scene of the past few decades.

Unlike today’s often directionless opposite-sex relationships that frequently involve sexual immorality, traditional dating has a different focus: marriage.

You might ask, why even use the word "dating"? Well, it’s not quite the same as courting, I don’t want to invent a new term, and it does involve going on dates.

Remember, most singles seeking marriage today aren’t teenagers or from solid Christian homes with involved fathers. They’re typically in their 20s, with cars, careers, and their own apartments or houses, enjoying significant freedom. Many don’t live near their parents. This approach offers the flexibility to fit the situations people commonly find themselves in.

Let me explain the basics of this approach...

I see three significant stages that unfold on the journey from 'acquaintances' to 'engaged' for modern Christians. While it's possible to dissect them further (some people love complexity), I appreciate simplicity and flexibility. These categories are intentionally broad.

It works like a funnel, gradually narrowing down. As you progress downward, the number of candidates decreases, and the intensity and intentionality increase.

Stage 1: 'Interested but not exclusive.' This is the phase where there is an interest in the possibility of something more than mere friendship, expressed either explicitly or implicitly. You might grab coffee or go to an event together. This may be one time. It might be several times. But the intensity is low. It is more a getting to know you phase than anything. Is there something here? Is there chemistry? Is this mutual? Is this a possible candidate for marriage? Consequently, there is no need for it to be formal or exclusive. You can and probably should be “seeing” multiple people in this sense all at once. This is not an exclusive relationship. It’s not even an expressly romantic relationship.

The key is you don’t lead someone on. If “it” isn’t there (for whatever reason), you polity back out.

In general, the courtship crowd typically requires the father's permission to even enter this stage. I find this unnecessary and unhelpful, as it intensifies the situation by prematurely making it exclusive and formal. It may force the daughter into seeing someone she isn't interested in and can give false hope to guys who would be better off looking elsewhere. It transforms what could and should be a single 'date' into multiple dates. It's just not ideal... I know, I know. Not with you. Good. Anyway...

Stage 2 “Interested and exclusive” This is where mutual interest, general shared commitments, and chemistry have been established. The question being asked is not if they could be A marriage candidate (that’s already been established) but rather if they are THE candidate. Therefore, you stop “seeing” all others and dial up the intensity. This is what used to be called “Going Steady.” Here, the relationship becomes exclusive, and you dive deeper into all things. What is his/her family like? Do they like you? Is it a total mess? How much in common do you have, not just in the general issues but secondary issues? Is he crazy controlling? Does they have emotional control? Is he just a dreamer or is he a doer? Is she disrespectful? Is she unwilling to follow a man’s lead in even small things? Does she desire motherhood? Does she have a lot of debt? Etc.

I think this is the most important stage. Therefore, I think consulting your parents before becoming exclusive is advised (not required). However, it all comes down to age, life stage, and familial relationships.

Stage 3 “Engaged” This is where you have mutually established that as far as you both are concerned, you are THE candidate for each other.

However, you still need the approval of the broader community: parents and the church. This stage exists as a heavy check before vows are exchanged.

This is just scratching the surface of the topic. There are many more questions to consider: Where do I meet like-minded people? Should I use dating apps? What does a good date look like? When is it appropriate to ask deeper, more intimate questions? What if their parents oppose engagement for ungodly reasons? I’ll aim to address some of these in the coming weeks.