This is a huge issue for some reason. My wife's dad decided to announce from the pulpit that we were no longer "courting" but only "dating" as a rebuke when we were already engaged and basically had to tell them to back off and stop adding rules for two adults. It was a warning sign of things to come. It also caused problems for us even then. I'd say I wish I had this advice and wisdom back then, but oh well.
"In general, the courtship crowd typically requires the father's permission to even enter this stage. I find this unnecessary and unhelpful, as it intensifies the situation by prematurely making it exclusive and formal"
This is my criticism too. But I also find that the pro dating crowd likewise put too much pressure on early stages. Seems like no matter whether your community wants courtship or dating, they all seem unanimous in putting pressure on you: if you so much as exceed 3 minutes of conversation with a young woman 1-on-1, you are assumed to be interested and if you don't follow up with a date invitation or talking to dad, you are judged to be 'sending mixed messages' or 'doesn't know what he wants.'
Is there no way to get to know a girl in a community context without getting her alone, and needing to make formal overtures to do so?
A timely read for me. The thing that's a bit different for a covenantal home is the desire, proper I believe, to make a romantic exploration (read dating or courtship...whatever) primarily about family. Michael points out in the first article that many don't have healthy ones. But, to my mind, the biblical home, if available to the couple, is where all this begins and ends. I agree with the general way the "stages" are laid out by Michael. I used different words ("pre-courtship/courtship/betrothal/marriage") but they generally followed the same trajectory and increased levels of privacy for the couple. With some kids of course, nothing works and we must simply watch and pray. Those are long nights.
Courtship is not a magic bullet. Thank you for pushing back some.
I've been dismayed ever since the early 1990s at how many Christian parents took what were basically good ideas, that sex should wait until marriage and that it can be helpful for parents to be involved in their kids finding a spouse, at least in the teens and early 20s, and turned it into a controlling purity culture that made outlandish promises that could never be kept. In the end, a whole generation was disillusioned.
Only one of our kids did something akin to a courtship. They were quite young and, now in their early 30s, have already been married 11 years. Courtship is one tool out of several, not the answer to everything.
This is a huge issue for some reason. My wife's dad decided to announce from the pulpit that we were no longer "courting" but only "dating" as a rebuke when we were already engaged and basically had to tell them to back off and stop adding rules for two adults. It was a warning sign of things to come. It also caused problems for us even then. I'd say I wish I had this advice and wisdom back then, but oh well.
"In general, the courtship crowd typically requires the father's permission to even enter this stage. I find this unnecessary and unhelpful, as it intensifies the situation by prematurely making it exclusive and formal"
This is my criticism too. But I also find that the pro dating crowd likewise put too much pressure on early stages. Seems like no matter whether your community wants courtship or dating, they all seem unanimous in putting pressure on you: if you so much as exceed 3 minutes of conversation with a young woman 1-on-1, you are assumed to be interested and if you don't follow up with a date invitation or talking to dad, you are judged to be 'sending mixed messages' or 'doesn't know what he wants.'
Is there no way to get to know a girl in a community context without getting her alone, and needing to make formal overtures to do so?
A timely read for me. The thing that's a bit different for a covenantal home is the desire, proper I believe, to make a romantic exploration (read dating or courtship...whatever) primarily about family. Michael points out in the first article that many don't have healthy ones. But, to my mind, the biblical home, if available to the couple, is where all this begins and ends. I agree with the general way the "stages" are laid out by Michael. I used different words ("pre-courtship/courtship/betrothal/marriage") but they generally followed the same trajectory and increased levels of privacy for the couple. With some kids of course, nothing works and we must simply watch and pray. Those are long nights.
Courtship is not a magic bullet. Thank you for pushing back some.
I've been dismayed ever since the early 1990s at how many Christian parents took what were basically good ideas, that sex should wait until marriage and that it can be helpful for parents to be involved in their kids finding a spouse, at least in the teens and early 20s, and turned it into a controlling purity culture that made outlandish promises that could never be kept. In the end, a whole generation was disillusioned.
Only one of our kids did something akin to a courtship. They were quite young and, now in their early 30s, have already been married 11 years. Courtship is one tool out of several, not the answer to everything.
Fo sho