Unpopular Church Conflict Advice

I’ve had a lot of people reach out to me over the years about serious church conflicts, disputes, and discipline. Usually, they’re reaching out when things have not gone well, at least from their perspective.

Most of the time, the situation looks like this: either a church member has left but continues to make accusations and influence people from a distance, or the leadership has rendered a final judgment that pushes a member(s) to the fringe or out of the church. That’s when I get the email or the phone call.

Then whichever side walks me through their mountains of evidence. Long emails. Long texts. And eventually it starts to feel like that scene in A Beautiful Mind where everything is connected with yarn and tacks. I’ve been there. I get it.

So here’s my very unpopular advice. And honestly, I don’t care what your ecclesiology is. Baptist, Anglican, Presbyterian. You will find yourself in situations like this.

First, if you cannot summarize your case in a single, compelling paragraph, the odds of reaching a meaningful resolution are extremely low. That doesn’t mean you don’t have a case. It means you don’t have one that people can actually grasp.

Once you start rolling out long briefs, people’s eyes glaze over. The only ones who stay engaged are those who already have a grievance and see your situation as a way to advance it. And bringing those people in will almost always make things worse.

Second, if you’ve exhausted the normal, constitutional means of addressing the issue and still haven’t reached the resolution you want, you probably need to move on.

If you’re leadership and a member has left, you may wish you could bring them back to deal with the issue. But chasing them down will make you look unstable and will distract you from the people still under your care.

If you’re a member who believes you were wrongly disciplined, you may be tempted to go public. Social media. Emails. Side conversations. But that almost always makes you look vindictive. And there’s a strange dynamic where the more you defend yourself, the more people assume you’re guilty. I hate that, but it’s real.

You also risk embittering yourself, and your family, against all church leadership.

In both cases, it is usually best to move on. Not ideal. But best.

If you are a church leader, that means living with people in your community saying you’re abusive, authoritarian, jealous, or whatever the accusation of the day is. If you are a church member, it may mean losing friendships. It may mean finding a new church. It may mean carrying real pain from a situation that went sideways.

Some people will say, “It shouldn’t be this way.” Of course it shouldn’t. But the world isn’t as it should be. This place is fallen. We are waiting for full redemption. The kingdom has come, but not in fullness.

Some things will not be resolved this side of judgment. You have to learn to live with that.

One last note. Time does not heal all wounds. It can just as easily let them fester. But what time often does do is allow emotions to settle.

Years ago, I had a serious conflict with a pastor I worked with. It was rough. We were at odds. But over time, we rebuilt a relationship. It’s growing again, and I’m thankful for it. He’s a good man.

Did we resolve the issue that divided us? Not really. I think we still see it differently. But we both chose to let it go.

Some people will say that’s not good enough. Maybe. But sometimes, this side of heaven, it’s the best you can do.

As I said, this is unpopular advice, but sometimes you just have to walk away.