Why won't they listen?

"Why won’t they listen?"

In Failure of Nerve, Edwin Friedman claims communication is an emotional phenomenon. I’ve found this to be true. We have a tendency to think of communication as a mental exercise that depends on saying the right thing (data) in the right way (technique).

These things matter. However, there is a third component which trumps the other two: the emotional state of the speaker. This is why Friedman focuses heavily on cultivating a non-anxious presence by taking responsibility and not allowing others to pull you into their anxious state. Anxiety hampers or even entirely sabotages communication.

It is as Friedman says:

“Others can only hear you when they are moving toward you, no matter how eloquently you phrase the message. In other words, as long as you are in the pursuing, rescuing, or coercive position, your message, no matter how eloquently broadcast, will never catch up. And as for anxiety, it is static in any communication system and can distort or scramble any message.”

I know that all might sound like a lot of psycho-babble but you see the same attributes stressed in bible leadership qualifications. Moreover, you see their importance directly connected to communication.

In 1 Timothy 3, Paul writes, “Therefore an overseer must be…sober-minded, self-controlled, [and] respectable.” Then, in Titus 1, Paul writes, “[An overseer] must not be arrogant or quick-tempered or a drunkard or violent or greedy for gain, but hospitable, a lover of good, self-controlled, upright, holy, and disciplined.”

Note the emphasis on self-management of mind, emotions, and actions. This man isn’t ruled by his emotions. He rules himself. He isn’t required to demand respect with words. The reality of his life commands it.

He is respectable.

In 2 Timothy 2, Paul says, “And the Lord's servant must not be quarrelsome but kind to everyone, able to teach, patiently enduring evil, correcting his opponents with gentleness.”

Here we see how emotional self-ruled is required for effective spiritual leadership. Teaching, that is communication, requires kindness, patience, and gentleness. A mature man isn’t easily pulled into a quarrel even with an opponent because he has emotional self-control. It’s through both his presence and words that he corrects those around him.

This brings me back to Friedman’s claim that “others can only hear you when they are moving toward you.” A non-anxious presence is attractive. It gives a person gravitational pull. It’s easier to love a lovely person. It’s easier to respect a respectable person. Loveliness and respectability are attractive. They drawn in others towards you.

Anxiety, in all its forms, repels. It is unattractive. It pushes people away. This is why a leader must be sober-minded and self-controlled. An anxious person will push other people away. That’s why Friedman says, “as long as you are in the pursuing, rescuing, or coercive position, your message, no matter how eloquently broadcast, will never catch up.” An anxious person chasing an anxious person is like trying to push together the like poles of two magnets.

So why won’t they listen?

“They” could be a spouse, a child, or co-worker. It’s probably not a matter of data and technique. It probably is a matter of your presence. You are pushing them away. At least for a time, put aside your obsession with information and communication methods. Instead focus on cultivating a non-anxious presence (aka sober-minded, peaceful, temperate) through basic self-disciplines like prayer, meditation, and sleep.

Prayer is the worry-slayer. In Philippians 4, Paul writes:

“...do not be anxious about anything, but in everything by prayer and supplication with thanksgiving let your requests be made known to God. And the peace of God, which surpasses all understanding, will guard your hearts and your minds in Christ Jesus.”

So start with prayer. It is the means by which God has ordained for an individual to cultivate the peace which surpasses all understanding.

Loveliness commands love. Respectability commands respect. Peaceableness commands peace. Command through your way of life. Be a presence that inspires and helps regulate others towards self-discipline.

P.S. I see the same guys go from gurus to gurus and groups to groups looking for marriage help. They usually just want more techniques and data. They don't want to triple down on presence through self-discipline. I'm sure the same is true of women.